Is this normal 'protection' or is it control?

[Whitecup]

I'm so confused and could really do with some impartial advice! My dh has always been very controlling financially and emotionally but things seem to have got so much worse lately. I was a sahm for 4 years. He gave me money each month but it was nowhere near enough to support 2dcs. Without going too much into it he'd give me £200 a month and I'd be expected to do all the food shopping, insure and run my car and buy clothes for the children. He would give me extra but I would have to ask and explain why and make it difficult. He is a high earner (six figure salary) but said this is all he could afford to give me I knew it wasn't but I was grateful he provided us with such a wonderful home and comfortable life. I decided I couldn't take it anymore, that I needed to break the cycle and started back at work about 8 months ago and since he's been a nightmare. He's told me that the dcs are suffering (I work school hours and drop them off and do pick up every night), for the first time ever I asked dh if he could pick the Dcs up from school so I could go to a meeting. Now he's saying I'm jepodising his career and everything that enables us our lifestyle and that he's going to have to leave his job. He keeps telling me that the dcs are ill and need a day off school so I have to take time off work (I haven't because they are fine but he makes me feel dreadful). Now he's asked me if I'm having an affair with someone at work. I've found myself lying to avoid being questioned. I don't know what to do- I feel like I'm going insane. He's away all the time with work. This month he's been away 3 weeks but every weekend he's gone out for a day with his friends. I feel like such a mug but every time I tell him he's been desperately unfair he says it's me and how lucky I am to have what I have. I'm so confused am I really just ungrateful??? I'm so tempted to give up my job but I couldn't bear to go back to having no money and no independence. He says he knows he's controlling but that he wants to protect me. How do I change this?

Just out of interest, what does he do about food when he's at work (but not working away)? How much do you think he spends on himself then?

When he is away, he'll have food/wine etc on expenses, won't he? So every night he'll sit down to a three course meal that's free and every morning he'll have a cooked breakfast, if he wants that, while you and your children, that he claims to love, are skimping and eating food from the cheapest shops.

He is utterly selfish and controlling.

Fucking hell OP.

He's fitted you with a big old pair of blinkers hasn't he?

He isn't amazing at all, he is controlling and abusive. This is a rubbish example of a relationship for your kids. Would you want to see your daughter in a relationship like this? Would you want your son to treat his partner like this?

Have you got any real life support?

He isn't going to change so you need to get him to leave so you can live your life like a normal, independent woman.

You poor, poor thing. My heart goes out to you. You are being abused, controlled and your dc are growing up in an abusive environment.

Do you realise that if you separated from your husband you would more than likely get to stay in your home and with his lovely salary - well you would get a percentage of that as maintenance.

He isn't a lovely man or a good father, he has ground you down to believe that but In reality he is depriving his children and wife of basic things and forcing you to live on less than you would if you were on benefits.

Nasty, vile, abusive man - that's what he is.

And OP, the only think you need protecting from is him!

Doh! Thing

Sounds like he's gaslighting you a bit. Making you feel everything's your fault, you feeling as if you're going mad.... Having to lie rather than face his anger etc.
I'm sorry you've been living like this OP
It seems like you feel as if you owe him something or he owns you, neither is the case. You're supposed to be equals in a marriage, he's not giving you a shred of respect. And fwiw, he can't be a fantastic father whilst abusing their mother and making them live on a comparative pittance to what the 'household' income is.

Run, run, run. No human bring should put up with this.

Please don't leave your job, you'll need it for your sanity and to feed your children.

I'd be willing to bet your DM doesn't think he's amazing and is secretly willing you on, people are more savvy then we give them credit for.

This is financial abuse and its not normal. Women's aid can offer you advice and support.

I'm not going to say LTB but get your ducks in a row and get all the important docs some where safe. Then see how you feel do you actually know how much your DH earns has in the bank?

Classically abusive. I would up your hours at work and arrange some after school care for the children and your husband will just have to lump it.

Don't leave your job. That is what he wants you to do - because then he'll be back to having the fun of watching you try to manage on too little money and have the thrill of having you ask him for money. I bet he really got a kick out of that whole scenario.

He is both jealous (the are you having an affair stuff) and mean. The exact 2 traits my mother warned me are the worst in a husband. And what exactly is he "protecting" you from? living life?

I bet if you told people you were leaving him, you'd be amazed how many people will tell you they never liked him. People are loath to critisize a husband to a wife but they may certainly be thinking all sorts of things about him and how you live.

Good luck. you have no idea how much nicer your life would be without this.

Now he's asked me if I'm having an affair with someone at work.

This sounds like classic abuser projection to me. I would have a suspicious look around as to whether he is having an affair. Honestly, it's classic emotional abuser projection. I accuse you of what I'm doing.

Please start planning an exit strategy.
See a solicitor.
Save money.
Get the paperwork together.
Under no circumstance leave your job.

When you leave you are not splitting your family up, you are protecting your DCs from growing up with an abuser.

I'm speechless.

You and DCs are expected to live on £2400 p/a, and he keeps the rest of his "six figure salary".

He's an abusive abuser.

How are you this morning Whitecup? I'm guessing the strength of feeling here reflects what you suspected, but still comes as a shock.

Thinking of you this morning

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Please remember- they only have opinions of him based upon what you tell them. If you lie to protect him, then they don't know what you're saying isn't true. They might know about the cc bill, but do they know about how controlling he is with money and the accusations of an affair?

Please tell them what is going on, you need support in real life to be able to make changes in your own life to make you and your children happy.

How awful would it be for you to see your sons grow up and repeat this behaviour?

Abuse abuse abuse.
Start saving YOUR money now. Scrimp on food and put away as much as you can. I also think that him asking about an affair isn't because he might be having one but rather to make your working life uncomfortable as possible so you will stop working and go back to being a sahm. Where he knows where you are.

Been there, got the t shirt and the divorce. And the same, everyone thought he was so kind and wonderful. He wasn't. He was also on a 6 figure sum and would ask why I needed to 'borrow' a fiver - that was for a box of tampax ffs! Arsehole

Make your plan to leave x

I think he needs educating in the meaning of the word "protection" - it doesn't mean "keeping you chained to the kitchen sink" in my dictionary.

Absolutely do not leave your job and do not give any credence to his increasingly frantic scrabbling to keep you in your little box.

Yeah, he's protecting you from having an enjoyable life.

What a hero.

If he's only sharing £2400 of his six figure salary, you don't have a "nice lifestyle", do you?

You have to work because if you don't you and your children live in poverty in a big fancy house.

Do not, under any circumstances, give up that job.

And well done for getting it in the first place.

He's escalated his abuse since you stood up for yourself by doing that.

I think you would benefit from speaking to Women's Aid.

How can you afford food shopping on 200 a month for four people and he also expects you to run a car with that money as well?

You would be sop much better off as a single mother, you can apply for child support and spousal payments due to his high income. Is he self employed or does he work for a company?

He is a grade A manipulator and abuser who needs to be gone from your lives. He will never make any of the process of actual separation and divorce easy for you as controllers do not like to let go of their victims at all easily. You need to escape him now and feel the sense of freedom that you have not felt for many years.

I would seek help and support from Womens Aid and a Solicitor to get this this person out of your lives and as soon as possible. Keep your job as well.

Your H will not be happy until he has destroyed you completely and by turn your children as well. He thinks nothing of them either really, he sees them as mere possessions to keep in chattel as you have been.

Abusers can and do appear very plausible to those in the outside world but they cannot keep up the act forever and the mask does slip. Your family do not have to live with him day to day so he can keep up the lovely man act in front of them. Abuse thrives on secrecy, start opening up to others like them and the authorities properly. Tell them his real nature.

He is patently not a fab dad either, not even close. He is an abusive father to his children as well because they see all too clearly how you as their mother are treated. Its affects them markedly. They are learning about relationships from you two.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships, for them to be controllers or to be controlled themselves?. They will not say thanks mum for staying within this at all.

With only £2400 pa in your control, you have less for the year than I do for 1.5 months. Struggling to see how that's a comfortable life for you?

Put it this way, if you left, you'd be much better off financially and think you were rich!

he sounds like he has worn you away until you cannot see what is acceptable anymore. he is controlling every aspect of your life, if you stay it will never get better unless he sees you as equal which based on your post is far from where he sees you. the fact you were worried he'd leave you for suplementing bringing up your children on the measly budget he allowed you and getting yourself 5k into debt makes me feel like crying. that you are valued so low down that you can't see the real truth which is that you don't (&nobody does) deserve to feel this bad about yourself. im guessing you feel pretty hopeless about the situation but you have a job which falls into shcool times meaning you don't depend upon him at all for help so start putting a plan into action. Leaving ideally and finding out life doesn't have to feel this awful

If you left you wouldn't be splitting up a family, the children would still be able to see their father but you'd be protecting them from financial abuse. Other than living in a big fancy house you'd be able to offer them a more comfortable life as a single mother from the sounds of it.