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Original poster

Lock on bedroom door?

96 replies

timefortea79 · 07/11/2014 17:53

So my DH has just come home with a lock to put on our bedroom door. It doesn't sit easy with me but I can't really explain why. He says it's 'just in case'. I don't think it's necessary and is just going to prompt questions. We have a 3 yr old and 9 week old.

What does anyone else think about this?

OP posts:

knittingdad · 08/11/2014 19:26

At my other's old house all the doors had locks on, but you could only use the lock from outside the room.

At first I thought this was some sort of bizarre child-punishment thing, but apparently it was simply an anti-burglary thing, on the assumption that a burglar was most likely to enter the house through the window to one of the rooms, so if all the interior doors were locked they'd not then have access to the whole house.

Can't say that I would ever feel completely confident that a cheeky young child would always be able to resist locking their parents inside their bedroom...

StrawberryMouse · 08/11/2014 19:41

We don't have locks on any doors in our house, including the bathroom. Have always been scared of the dc locking themselves in.

Joysmum · 08/11/2014 23:10

The lock on our bedroom door is the same as the bathrooms, you twist a knob to lock it (rather than an hook and eye - which we first had and I fitted on top of the door frame as a surprise - or the sliding bar type we have on the downstairs loo) and can use a 2p on the outside to undo so no worries about anyone being locked in accidentally

Tbh OP if you're you're uneasy about your DH because if this lock situ, I think you need to take a long hard look at why. My DH wasn't phased by the hook and eye I popped on, but we both tales about the lock on the new bedroom door when we had our loft conversion done.

Floggingmolly · 08/11/2014 23:17

There's nothing creepy about a lock on an adult's bedroom door
The three year old is going to be night trained soon, presumably, so the nocturnal wanderings could begin any day now.

SolidGoldBrass · 08/11/2014 23:28

It is quite possible that the OP feels uneasy because she feels that her H is conveying a particular message by producing this lock ie 'that's one more excuse you can't use to avoid sex, so open your legs'.

duckwalk · 08/11/2014 23:55

The idea of a lock is great.....sex under the duvet, pj top still on and one leg still in the pj trousers is a turn off, however my DD(10) is at an age where she knows what the adults get up to. She would freak if there was suddenly a lock on the door!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 09/11/2014 00:45

I think the issue is op so still very much not thinking about sex. What with having a 9 week old baby. While op's DH is obviously of a different mind set and thinks having a lock on the door is some sort of shagging magic ticket...

GnomeDePlume · 09/11/2014 09:49

It would be interesting to have the DH's perspective on this. A few posters seem to have damned him on very little information.

I find it odd that some posters seem to think that such a mundane thing needs to have a specific agreement in advance. It is quite possible that the DH thinks that they have talked about this in general terms and has taken this as as much agreement as is required.

We have a lock on our door. I dont remember there being a specific discussion/decision. Now that our DCs are much older we just have it as more a psychological thing.

Barbarblacksheep · 09/11/2014 10:09

I don't understand the need for a lock on the door, if worried about children wandering in at awkward moments a wedge under the door so it only opens a short way would give you time to become respectable and then allow them access. I would have hated my children feeling I was not accesable to them. Worse than a lock on the perents door though is a lock on the child's door on the outside. When we moved into our house the previous occupiers had done just that. The childs bedroom had a hook type lock at the top of the door.

WhatWouldBlairWaldorfDo · 09/11/2014 10:31

My friends daughter has a lock at the top outside of her bedroom door. Shes 15 and its so her 6yr old sister cant get in while she is out/downstairs. She was messing ip and 'borrowing' her make up etc. its not always sinister

Joysmum · 09/11/2014 10:43

I would have hated my children feeling I was not accesable to them

Even at 12, my daughter doesn't feel that as it's not noticed or made a big thing of. I'm not accessible when I'm in a nice hot bath with a hot choc and the bathroom door locked. That freedom of mind I got in the early days from my sanity saving long hot baths is what prompted me to see locks as my way to more freedom, rather than restrictive or to be cynical of.

A wedge would be ok but you might need more time to get respectable in some sexual circumstances. It gives us more freedom in mind and practice which we very much enjoy sometimes.

If you don't want a lock, that's absolutely fine of course, my views aren't being expressed as anything other than to explain our experience given there's been some views expressed of poor parenting meaning the lock is needed or that it's been pushed by a controlling partner. I'm clearly on the defensive as I was the one responsible for the first hook and eye I installed and didn't tell my hubby. The later lock was though. In our relationship my action without discussion was not needed and was positive. If it's not in others, I feel sorry that anyone is in that sort of a relationship

OP if you aren't happy, why is that? What is it about your husband you aren't comfortable with because the lock situation just illustrates there's an issue that needs fixing and is probably just being represented by a door lock

WeAreEternal · 09/11/2014 10:56

Our DS is 8, we have no need for a lock as we have taught him to knock before entering our bedroom or a bathroom.
Its how I was taught and it's, IMO, a basic life skill.

pinkfrocks · 09/11/2014 11:17

Why is it that on MN things that wouldn't be worthy of navel gazing in RL bring out so much discussion?

I can't think of anything wrong with someone putting a lock on a bedroom door to stop children bursting in at any time they feel like 'access' to mummy or daddy.

Having a lock there doesn't mean you have to use it all the time!

If your child is ill and might wander in during the night for comfort or whatever, leave the door unlocked.

But as they become older -pubescent- they will understand that parents, like them, want some privacy. The lock comes to symbolise that- that mum and dad are partners who need privacy too, whether to have sex or when changing clothes. It's also a great place to store valuables when your kids grow up and have parties- so you can have one safe place too call yours and even know their friends won't be bonking in your bed! (Not that ours did but we know families where this has happened.)

OP I think you need to come back and explain why you find this lock thing so hard to stomach. If it's a pressure thing re. sex then that's another issue.

A 3 year old won't get 'any ideas' about anything and there is something to be said for starting young so they see it as the norm. But if it's about sex and you feeling under pressure then you need to address that with your DH.

Barbarblacksheep · 09/11/2014 11:22

This child was five.

Barbarblacksheep · 09/11/2014 11:23

Our DS is 8, we have no need for a lock as we have taught him to knock before entering our bedroom or a bathroom.
Its how I was taught and it's, IMO, a basic life skill.

I fully agree.

WineWineWine · 09/11/2014 11:59

Of course you can teach children to knock, but that doesn't mean they always will, every single time without fail! It's just that added peace of mind. If the knock and you hear them, then you simply unlock it and let them in, if there is no lock, and they knock but you don't hear them, the might come in anyway. I would rather my kids not see DH and I in the throws of passion thank you!! A lock gives that extra security that allows both people to completely relax and get into whatever they want to get into, knowing they are not going to be disturbed.

And I am NOT always accessible to my children. Sometimes they have to wait, and we are talking about making them wait a matter of seconds here.

I also don't understand the attitude many posters have towards the DH. He has seen a potential problem and found a solution. From her point of view, a discussion was needed, but from his, what is there to discuss? He wants a bit of privacy and he has a simple solution to fix that. Whilst I agree that he should have discussed it, I can see why he didn't and I don't see it as sinister.

pinkfrocks · 09/11/2014 12:12

I think posters who say they teach their child to knock need a dose of reality and need to stop being patronising and snooty.

Of course we teach children to do that BUT it's not going to happen 100% of the time with young children! They ARE children ! That means there will be times when their impatience, tummy ache, nightmares or whatever mean they will forget to knock.

You could apply the same logic to the loo- yes?

Let's just never ever bother to lock it and let all of them come in when we are in the middle of a poo, changing a tampon etc. They know how to knock first so what's the problem!

gildedcage · 09/11/2014 12:33

I haven't read the full thread but in response to the pp. I grew up in a family of four dc. All of us knocked on our parents door. We were also not allowed in there without our parents inviting us in. We wouldn't go in even if they were out.

My parent's were not authoritarian. We used to get into bed with them etc. But we were taught to respect their room. Frankly this is where I'm at myself. My dcs however don't respect my space the way we did and I'm thinking of putting a lock on our door.

For me its not just the dtd it's that we should all be afforded some personal space sometimes. And the door isn't going to be locked all the time.

MOTU · 09/11/2014 17:31

I have a 3.5 and 1 year old, we're about to put a lock on our door after a couple of close calls, think your husbands being sensible...... And anything that can be done completely without disturbing the duvet probably isn't worth it........,

Original poster

timefortea79 · 11/11/2014 09:37

Now I've had a couple of days to read your posts and think about it, I think I was uneasy for two reasons. One was lack of discussion about it. I think H genuinely thought it would make things easier for us to get together in a more relaxed environment, and just didn't consider that I might feel differently to him. Secondly is the timing, as it does make me feel pressured even though he says no pressure. His words and actions don't marry up.

We talked about it at the weekend, and there is no lock on the door at the moment! However, I see that it's not such an odd thing as I initially thought so I'm not completely opposed to the idea anymore.

OP posts:

loloftherings · 11/11/2014 10:12

I unilaterally made the decision to buy and fit a lock to our bedroom door.
This is because my wife suffers from anxiety and just couldn't relax if there was a noise she'd panic.
9yo DD has ASD so there is no way she will knock if she has something 'important' to tell us.
Wife thought it was a great idea and was delighted I did it.
No ulterior motive about expecting extra sex or anything. Just wanted to make her life easier.
The lock is only used when needed.
And yes, it's useful for present wrapping and wife uses it for bikini line trimming in privacy too.

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