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Original poster

Head of the household? really?

83 replies

youcannotbeseriouslady · 07/11/2014 12:00

Ladies, I have a question for you. Do any of you follow the biblical way of marriage in that the husband is always the head of the family and therefore makes all the decisions. I think the interpretation is that it doesn't mean he doesn't consult the wife but certainly he is the Head and the Wife his number two. This does in effect curtail the role of the wife in decision making since if there is ever a disagreement then the husband has more sway. Does anyone follow this line of thinking and apply it to their marriage on a daily basis? Does it result in a happier marriage or lead to resentment, since what if the 'leader' makes an awful decision?

OP posts:
LineRunner · 07/11/2014 13:06

kentishgirl, yes it all sounds quite duplicitous.

ouryve · 07/11/2014 13:07

Birdhouse :o

calculatorsatdawn · 07/11/2014 13:07

We operate the 'desicion made by the person who gives more of a crap about the outcome' model.

Recovering · 07/11/2014 13:09

I have a theology degree and think in churches its completely wrong and at times abusive.

As someone into a bit of kink I kind of like it if its freely chosen.

Original poster
youcannotbeseriouslady · 07/11/2014 16:39

'respect' bah for doing what? being male? this must have all been designed by another male!

OP posts:
Original poster
youcannotbeseriouslady · 07/11/2014 16:41

of those that i know they do submit to the wishes of their husband, they do wait on them when they walk in the door. when they speak they listen and they also require permission to travel!

Not 1953, 15th century!!!

OP posts:
Namechangedforfearofreprisal · 07/11/2014 16:59

I view my husband as being the head of our family, but I'm not a Christian.

It doesn't mean that I defer to him on everything or worship him or anything like that.

I just find that it works for us to have one person who is the 'leader' and who ultimately makes the decisions. For the most part we agree on the majority of things, so it doesn't really come up.

However there are situations which arise in which we can't both have our way and neither of us is right or wrong, its just a difference of opinion. I find in those situations its better to defer to his opinion instead of having long drawn out arguments about an issue.

I also genuinely believe that he is clever and wiser then me and he can often perceive situations with more clarity then I can. So we are better off going with his advice.

It seems to work for us so far and it's much better then being at odds with each other. We have our own spheres and roles in our marriage, I do A,B,C and he does D,E,F so the issue of my deferring to him rarely comes up to be honest.

Shahrazad · 07/11/2014 17:13

I also genuinely believe that he is clever and wiser then me and he can often perceive situations with more clarity then I can. So we are better off going with his advice.

Ah, so because I have an Oxbridge degree and DH went to some redbrick up North which rejected me, as he likes to point out then I can make all the decisions in this marriage? Excellent. I can't believe I have been bothering to discuss matters with him for the past 20 odd years. I'll let him know when he gets in where he's we're going wrong.

Purpleflamingos · 07/11/2014 17:18

We are the same as calculator.

I've had phone calls from DH midway through a meeting with someone to say 'I'm changing our house insurance from xx to yy and we will save £ on monthly dd'. All I need to say is ok. We agree most of the time.

RJnomore · 07/11/2014 17:21

I was raised ?ith this sort of belief.

We do not have a household which runs like that.

DH deals with insurance etc though and I don't expect him to run his decisions about it past me, I trust him to make the best choice on things like that. That's about delegated responsibility from the partnership though - I get to sort some things out and him others. Seems fair?

BabyDubsEverywhere · 07/11/2014 17:35

We have a cat, and one of the dc is a toddler... they do pretty well between them tbf.

Namechangedforfearofreprisal · 07/11/2014 17:46

Ah, so because I have an Oxbridge degree and DH went to some redbrick up North which rejected me, as he likes to point out then I can make all the decisions in this marriage? Excellent. I can't believe I have been bothering to discuss matters with him for the past 20 odd years. I'll let him know when he gets in where he's we're going wrong. - Quoting Shahrazad

I never made a link between being clever and going to University in my post.

As it happens we both went to red brick Universities in the North.

Some people are cleverer then others, it's a fact of life. In our case my husband is cleverer and wiser then me, so I look to his judgement.

PlantsAndFlowers · 07/11/2014 18:21

I too don't think you can make an assumption that someone who went to a 'better' university is therefore more intelligent and wiser. That may be true in many cases, but to apply it as a universal theory is a bit daft. What do they teach you in that there fancy Oxbridge? Confused

Shahrazad · 07/11/2014 18:37

Have you ever heard of hyperbole??
Exaggerating for effect.

Making a statement which is just as ridiculous as the idea that one person should have the final say in a relationship based on who is cleverer.

Original poster
youcannotbeseriouslady · 07/11/2014 18:47

university and educated equating to more intelligence when it comes to matter involving life and how to live it! what utter rubbish. i recently heard someone first hand spout this rubbish. i can sit a history exam and pass it with flying colours so i am more qualified to do x,y,z what utter nonsense. but hey ho whatever rocks your boat. how people interpret other peoples (real or imagined) intelligence and subsequent superiority is entirely up to them

OP posts:
Original poster
youcannotbeseriouslady · 07/11/2014 18:48

no i think i just find it very amusing the premise that because a human being was born a man that within a marriage they are automatically the head of the household and the woman should submit to her husbands wishes and follow him. it does sound very strange in this day and age

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 07/11/2014 18:50

Some people's irony detectors could do with new batteries...

Qresident · 07/11/2014 18:53

My husband is the head of the household, but I am the neck. So he can only go where I let him ;)

Seriously though, we're a team. We give each other more weight in a decision if that person has more experience or knowledge in the area. Mortgage and electrics DH. Household stuff and schools me. Car- equal.

PeppermintPasty · 07/11/2014 18:56

I am drinking wine. I am the head of everything.

Stillwishihadabs · 07/11/2014 19:14

I am infinitely cleverer and wiser than dh, but because I believe in equality he has equal say damn.

Azquilith · 07/11/2014 19:30

I also think it makes sense to have one person lead. I manage all financial situations, mortgage (which is in my name only) bills, and my DP passes me their salary in full, from which I pass back an allowance. I am the higher wage earner by far and it is fairer this way.
I will of course confer on big decisions but we generally agree it's easier left to me. Works for us.
However, my DP is a man.

aylesburyduck · 07/11/2014 20:22

We are a partnership and operate as such. DP makes decisions on some stuff, I make decisions on other stuff.

He did ask me if, when we got married, I would be obeying him, and I replied no more than you will be obeying me. (I have to point out that he was in no way being serious).

Ultimately, we discuss anything which is going to have more than a passing effect on our lives and reach our decision together unless he is totally wrong in which case I tell him he's a div

AdoraBell · 07/11/2014 20:33

I make loads of decisions. DH makes loads of decisions. When he thinks he has to make a huge decision he asks me what he should do, and we discuss the options and make a decision together.

So that's a No from me OP

steppemum · 08/11/2014 11:07

As I said upthread, I don't believe in this at all.

I have challenged people who do. The passage that says this talks first about submitting to one another, and later about the husband loving his wife above all.

So my challenge is, given that we live in the 21st century, and view love through 21st century eyes, if my dh loves me, then he will think that my opinion is valid. Therefore all decisions in our house should be taken after a discussion where both viewpoints are equally heard. If I have not heard him, then I haven't respected his view, and if he hasn't heard me then he hasn't loved me enough to hear me (to use the Biblical terminology)

Once we have discussed it, hopefully we will reach a mutually agreeable solution. If we don't, and dh forged ahead with what he wants, then he isn't loving me is he? If I forge ahead with what I want, then I am not respecting him.

So (and I just point out that I am arguing this using the vocab of those who believe it) so, in this day and age, the idea of headship is irrelevant and outdated, having been taken over by the more important idea of mutual love and respect.

I cannot think of one decision where headship would be relevant, except in an abusive relationship. If the paradigm doesn't work any more, why use it?

BertieBotts · 08/11/2014 11:17

I think it's very sad that someone thinks that their husband is wiser and cleverer. Surely you have strengths too. Every human has strengths that they can bring to the table and are valid.

I thought this was very interesting:
www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2014/10/but-what-if-your-husband-tells-you-not-to-submit.html

And I also thought kentishgirl's point was good: "On a day to day basis it doesn't actually make any difference even if you believe this. It's not about the man constantly bossing the woman about. So it's easy to ignore or minimise."

I can't see how it makes for a happy relationship. I think it is bigoted hate speech, actually.