What do you do if you fundamentally want different things in life?

[ghostvitruvius]

DP and I have been together for 8 years, two children one at primary school one pre-school age.

We are really fucking poor and I am sick of it. I want to have enough money to be able to relax, not worry about debt, for the kids to have football or piano lessons or whatever.

He is self-employed in a creative industry. There is one side of it in which you can earn ok money which he hates, one side which is really hard to make a living from but he loves.

So currently he is doing what he loves and I am working and basically funding him having an expensive hobby. There is always the promise of some money just around the corner and I somehow end up feeling like a bitch for trying to take something he loves away from him, "years of work" etc.

He doesn't really mind having no money, I think he'd be happier going back to his life pre-children and just doing what he loves and making no money.

But I don't want that. I want to buy a house and go on holiday and all that kind of thing.

I don't know how to resolve this without at least one of us being miserable.

Honestly I think it's actually a dealbreaker, you have totally different priorities and like you said in your OP, there is no way to resolve it without one or both of you being unhappy.

But - just taking emotion out and being practical for a second, would you actually be better off if you split? ie, is this a pipe dream anyway? Because if so, then it might not be worth splitting up, but instead trying to compromise or come to terms with it in the relationship.

But then the question would be, if you decided to accept being less well off and stay, would you always be resentful of him for that? And if so, is it healthy to be resentful while you're in the relationship together?

If you're going to stay together then you need to spell it out to him - the relationship doesn't revolve around him and while you don't expect him to give up his dream, you do need some compromises, such as rough (rough!!) plans and some serious thought about how you (as a family) can bring more money into the household.

agree with Jan45.

OP, if you acknowledge that he's not going to change - have you thought about what you want to do next?

I don't know what I'd do. Ultimately I could manage financially without him. I don't know what he'd do though.

He is absolutely selfish. He is putting his interests before his children's and allowing himself a creative space that he isn't allowing them.

You haven't said what his interest is, but perhaps you could tell him about P D James, who when widowed with two small children, got up at 4 am every day to write a novel (which was then published) before getting her children ready and then going off to work.

I'd be very tempted to have some time apart and let him see where his £100 pw and his big tax bills get him. I'm so glad you are not married to him.

Well what he'd do isn't your problem - what you would do and what you as a family will do is your problem. You're not responsible for him. But the fact that you think he couldn't survive on his own speaks volumes, TBH.

Actually it's wrong to say I don't know what he'd do - he'd sign on, claim housing benefit, avoid any paid work, ignore his debts, spend as much time as he wants on his hobbies and interests and do childcare while I work. Maybe he'd be a lot happier.

I went out with a cocklodger (love this term!!!) in my twenties. He was an 'artist' (tortured, stoned) who worked 20 hrs per week in a bar. I studied and simultaneously worked full time. I outgrew him and thank god i saw the light at 25 and gave him the hee haw. There were pressures on our relationship without children, driven by resentment at his insistence on being a kept man and the financial strain on me. I could not have children with someone like this, but you did and priorities changed and frankly he needs to up his fucking game.

And good point ghost, maybe he would, you would too though only you know that . Resentment is such a destructive force.

Do you think you'd be happier if he did all that, then, OP and you had the chance to start again yourself?

One thing, though, it's not as easy as it once was to sign on and claim everything. He might get a bit of a shock. To claim Job Seekers' Allowance he would have to prove he's looking for jobs and give reasons why he isn't applying for them - this is checked electronically so he couldn't charm his way out of it.

Having said that, if that's what he'd do, that's what I'd let him do. Set him free to live a life on the dole by choice - what a way to live, eh?

If he 'can't manage' invoicing, looking for work etc, then that's a bit pathetic, it drives me straight up the wall when creative people act like they should just be able to waft around doing their special snowflake thing and not deal with the nuts and bolts. So that's one thing. If he wants to do this thing, then he needs to do it properly, at least, and I don't think that's unreasonable to expect.

He isn't making enough money to support himself, let alone children, so he should be 'paying' in kind, the way any SAHP does, in terms of housework, childcare etc. Do you feel he does enough in this area to make up for the financial support you're giving him? Would the things he does have to be outsourced (childcare/cleaning etc) if he was working more, or would you be able to do more of them?

As for you wanting more.... I'm trying to look at this fairly. I don't think it's fair to expect a partner to provide a level of income that you yourself can't or won't provide, basically. If you want to be rich and he doesn't, then it might have to be you who makes you rich!

On the other hand, it's not fair if he's not working as hard as you in general - so, taking childcare and household into account as well as employment.

Is the job/hobby one of those things where he needs a 'big break' or is it really just a question of him not working hard enough? I think it's all very well to 'not be materialistic' but we're not talking someone who's happy earning min wage, we're talking someone who isn't bringing in enough money to survive on, and I'm not sure that's ok unless both partners are happy with it - which you're not!

Are you directly financing his hobby/job? Ie paying for things he needs for it? If so then maybe that's a place to start making cutbacks.

Alternatively, if you're paying for childcare, that seems a bit silly, and maybe he could take that on instead. I know you don't want to encourage him to work LESS, but perhaps if you make the position a bit clearer - he is, in effect, a SAHP after all - then he might discover that he WOULD like a bit of extra money and maybe would be willing to earn it?

I've told him that I want to stop paying for childcare by Christmas if he isn't earning anything.

He can make a decent living in his area of skill, there are even employed positions available. But the particular area he loves is just so niche I find it hard to believe any steady money will ever come from it. He is good at what he does but he just doesn't want to do "corporate" stuff - which is where the money is. And he doesn't want to work for someone else.

Could he get a part-time job in his area of skill? If he's good at it, and it's something relatively niche, perhaps a medium-sized company would like to hire him for a set number of hours a week?

Could you earn a higher hourly rate yourself?

No, I'm at the top of my pay scale without doing a further qualification.

I would love him to get a part time job.

Then that's the necessary compromise - that he gets a part time job and you stop nagging.

If he won't compromise that far then maybe he is being selfish. At the moment it sounds a bit like you have decided that as he is the man, he should be the provider, which wasn't the deal when you met.

I don't think he should provide because he's a man I would like him to contribute financially as he is an adult in a relationship with two children.

Maybe my mistake was not realising it's necessary to make an explicit agreement that parents work to support their family.

It sounds really frustrating.

Does he feel no qualms about his children not being able to have lessons, holidays etc?

I think he's out of order really. Would it be possible for him to compromise by doing at least part time stuff he loves and part time money-making stuff?

Also, can the stuff-he-loves part of it fit in around childcare/school pickups etc? Like is it something that can be done flexibly at home or around school hours? Because that could work quite well in terms of saving childcare money if combined with part time moneymaking activity.

The thing is, he's not going to do the money making stuff unless it literally falls in his lap. It's the kind of thing where you need to be on top of getting lots of bits of work, and ensuring you get paid, and he won't be.

My ideal would be he gets a job - any job, I don't mind, part time is fine. I have suggested several times that he takes a year to retrain or decide what he wants to do, but he doesn't want to do anything.

His hobby stuff already takes up most evenings and at least one weekend day, so I guess that will continue.

Ghostvitruvius, the talking is done, what you need is action and he is not willing to act, work or change. You know deep down that he is never going to change and you (and your children through no fault of their own) are going to be stuck in the miserable life you are in now, as long as you stay with him. You want better for you and your children so why are you staying in a life that is making you so unhappy? Your dp will be fine, he will carry on living the life he has always lived. You could move out and see if he is willing to change once he sees how life is without you or your children but be prepared that he may be only too happy to be a part time Dad and live the single carefree life.

I would take a different approach and I don't think the terms used here are all that flattering.

Personally, I think you as a family have to get flexible with childcare. When he doesn't have work he looks after both DC FT and does the majority of the housework. When he has work the DC can go to a childminder who is ok with your schedule being on and off.

I would approach your OH and tell him that you love him and realize he is happy but that bills/debt need to get paid so you are going back to get the qualifications you need to get a better paid job. I would speak to your employer and see what their reaction is.

Either you will free up income from reducing your childcare costs or he will get a good burst of fire up his ass and get working for more money. Either way you all win.