What do you do if you fundamentally want different things in life?

[ghostvitruvius]

DP and I have been together for 8 years, two children one at primary school one pre-school age.

We are really fucking poor and I am sick of it. I want to have enough money to be able to relax, not worry about debt, for the kids to have football or piano lessons or whatever.

He is self-employed in a creative industry. There is one side of it in which you can earn ok money which he hates, one side which is really hard to make a living from but he loves.

So currently he is doing what he loves and I am working and basically funding him having an expensive hobby. There is always the promise of some money just around the corner and I somehow end up feeling like a bitch for trying to take something he loves away from him, "years of work" etc.

He doesn't really mind having no money, I think he'd be happier going back to his life pre-children and just doing what he loves and making no money.

But I don't want that. I want to buy a house and go on holiday and all that kind of thing.

I don't know how to resolve this without at least one of us being miserable.

I think the key is whether you are a team. When it comes down to it, are you on each other's side? It doesn't sound as though you feel that he is. The question then is, what would it take for you to feel that he IS part of a mutual team with you? And the next question is whether he sees the 'team' as being worth compromising for.

So he contributes domestic work and childcare, as well as a small amount of money? That's not nothing. That's not necessarily cocklodging, either. He also did take on a higher-earning job to support you while you were studying.

I don't think you can just order him to abandon his hobby and go and get a job he will hate. For one thing, in case you're unaware, jobs are harder and harder to come by, and ones which pay more than subsistence wages go to people with relevant experience and tons of enthusiasm - he is simply not going to be able to walk into one, even if he's willing.

I think, to be blunt, you are stuck with being poor for the foreseeable future, but that applies to plenty of people who work hard and have aspirations because the economy is fucked for all but a fortunate minority.

I understand that you need to make some changes if you can't manage, but you are going to have to be more imaginative than telling him to 'grow up' because that won't work. Could he, for instance, take on pupils to earn more money? (I am assuming that he is a musician or actor - if he is a writer he could perhaps set up as a writing tutor). Of course, he will need to compromise too as in he will need to spend a bit less time on his artistic stuff, but people who are passionate about art/music/etc simply can't give it up altogether and there is no reason why they should.

Worra, I think the issue is that he ISNT a SAHD, they are paying out for childcare.

And I can also see his point, that the woman he married was adventurous, artistic and unconventional and now she's nagging away like any other mundane, not earning much herself yet blaming him for the low household income when, presumably, she loved him because he wasn't just like everyone else - and now she's the one who moved the goalposts.

What would piss me off is my DH having an expensive hobby while my DC don't get to go to football or learn piano or whatever. The DC come first as far I am concerned and then if there is money left over

Yeah perhaps she did think that way Solid, - before two children came along!

So he's a sahd for 3 days a week, and doing his work 2 days a week? And he's earned £5000 in 6 months... If you're not forgetting his expenditure, and that is profit, then he's earning nearly £200 per week. That is not a hobby. If he was maintaining that rate at a full time work level then he's earning more than a pittance...

You like planning, and need less stress about paying for things. I think it's unfortunate that the world we live in is very uncertain, and stressful, but you need to find a way not to resent the fact that your oh is doing what he wants; bring there for his kids and making money at something he loves.

If you can't find a way to respect him for the talent he has and the loving caring nature which he is demonstrating by being sahd, then your relationship is going to end up bitter.

If you did a job you loved a bit more/ spent more tins with the kids would you feel happier about his position?

to be honest I'm not prepared to spend more of my time working so he doesn't have to. I already feel quite bitter about having to cut my second mat leave very short (and borrow money from my parents) to keep us afloat.

And this, honestly OP just stop, you have done more than enough to support him over the years, it's his turn now.

I work in an industry where money is valued above anything else and it really depresses me to be honest. What's it all for? Big house for status, holidays you don't want to go on for status, big car for status and then you die. IMHO doing what you love is so much more important and fulfilling, but it took me a lot of time and therapy to realise that. I like my job, so I do it, and I appreciate that's a lucky place to be in. You will probably never get to a point where you don't worry about money anyway, and I far more admire your DH's attitude than someone whose DH would put money above everything else.

10k a year for 2 days a week isn'so bad. If he was working at it full time when your youngest is in school could he make £25 a year?

OP, I'm not saying you are wrong but to give you a contrast, both dh and I have supported each others wishes for 26 years now.
We both wanted a sahp and dh was earning the equivalent of what yours is now.
Because I support him and love him more than words can say, we moved, came of the ng and were almost self sufficient for 12 years
But neither of us are materialistic and sang from the same hymn sheet.
You say you wouldn't be happy for him to be a sahd long term, why does it have to be on your terms?
It sounds like you both want different lifestyles but this has nothing to do with having children, we and plenty others manage to raise dc on a shoe string, they don't cost that much if you don't have the money.

Jan54

Oh stop using that hideous word, Jan. He's a father who looks after his children saving nursery and out of school club costs and contributing to their well being. He cooks, shops, cleans and cares for his family as well as earning some money. Sounds like he's making a valuable contribution.

Just cos he has made 5K since April to now doesn't mean he is going to make 5K in the next 6 months - also we don't know if tax and ni has to come off that, probably as he is self employed and will have to do his own tax returns, I wonder if he even does them as everything just seems so much for him, poor sod.

I can't believe folk are sticking up for his art (without even knowing WTF it is).

Oh and tell him we all love and hate aspects of our jobs but have to do BOTH.

Welcome to reality. Life, it's shit sometimes isn't it.

I can only imagine how this thread would read if it were a woman in the creative job and staying at home with the kids.

Cat, they do also pay childcare costs, oh sorry the OP does lol.

A valuable contribution? 5K in six months and no certainty of what else is coming, to support him and three other people, hardly.

Wonder what his plans are for paying back the OPs family, oh I forgot, he doesn't make any.

If it was a case of him working 2-3 days a week and earning £10k a year I would be more than happy!

He has made around £5k so far this year, but I don't think has had any paid work since July maybe. He reckons he'll have another job paying about £500 before Christmas and then nothing firm after that. It's this stress and uncertainty that I find particularly difficult.

carlson - how do you think it would be different? If a woman stayed at home doing a creative job, the family had debts and the husband was stressed about their low income I would expect she would be urged to contribute more financially too.

You and your kids should not have to live like this OP. Get that talk sorted out and spell it out to him that things have to change.

You'd be better off as a single parent.

No wonder you are stressed, your kids are suffering too.

Jan45

He sounds similar to my dh tbh and he certainly is no cock Lodger.
Some people don't want to live the conventional life, I certainly don't.
He has done nothing wrong, the problem is he doesn't come up to the OPs expectation.
He is contributing the same as the OP is, who also says she is in low paid employment.
How do you know what the outgoings are for this family? What area they live in and why they can't manage on tax credit top ups like other families do.
You seem very quick to vilify and name call her husband, maybe you are projecting a bit.

It's all fine and dandy to do a job you love, but the reality is he has a family and need to grow up. He has responsibilities and like many people needs to prioritize that over his lifestyle at the moment.
If he is not willing to contribute more, he is basically dragging you all down to his very unambitious level. That's not fair on you.

On here? No chance. SAHM can do no wrong on here.

Thing is, you can jump up and down, make ultimatums, etc. but he won't change into someone who is ever going to be happy with what you now want out of life.

You are right, one of you will be miserable.

So ambition = money?

He has done plenty wrong, he has allowed his OH to go to her family for money just to keep them afloat - that is bad enough.

I don't think the OP's expectations are unreal, I think she has had years of supporting him and has had enough of it now.

In my book any man who sits and home and protests about doing the bits of the job he hates but yet earns more money for his family is a person who is doing everything to shrink their responsibilities, cocklodger sounds a perfect description to me. Of course, nobody else has to agree, I get that.

Life is too short to do a job you hate and be miserable. If the kids are fed clothed and happy then I don't think there is enough missing to make him spend the majority of his waking hours being miserable. Money doesn't matter to him, it matters to you, so you need to find a way of making more. He needs to support you of course, but that doesn't have to be financial, and it really sounds like he does support you.

She knew what he was like when she took up with him. You reap what you sow.

Life's too short for him to do a job he hates, but it's fine for me to work more so we can pay our debts and have enough to live on?