What do you do if you fundamentally want different things in life?

[ghostvitruvius]

DP and I have been together for 8 years, two children one at primary school one pre-school age.

We are really fucking poor and I am sick of it. I want to have enough money to be able to relax, not worry about debt, for the kids to have football or piano lessons or whatever.

He is self-employed in a creative industry. There is one side of it in which you can earn ok money which he hates, one side which is really hard to make a living from but he loves.

So currently he is doing what he loves and I am working and basically funding him having an expensive hobby. There is always the promise of some money just around the corner and I somehow end up feeling like a bitch for trying to take something he loves away from him, "years of work" etc.

He doesn't really mind having no money, I think he'd be happier going back to his life pre-children and just doing what he loves and making no money.

But I don't want that. I want to buy a house and go on holiday and all that kind of thing.

I don't know how to resolve this without at least one of us being miserable.

If he's doing 3 days child care then hei is earning that 5k working 2 days a week isn't he?

I'm not having a go OP. Interestingly I have experienced the opposite problem. My happy go lucky, unambitous DH turned into a grumpy workaholic when we had kids. OK the money rolled in, but me and the kids never saw him and our relationship was very shaky for a while. I felt it was not what I'd signed up for. We have managed to compromise over the years, I hope you can work something out too.

The poster saying you would be better off as a single parent is talking bollocks; a Dad is worth so much more than the wage he pulls in.

LadyLuck

What responsibilities do you think the OPs dh isn't prioritising?
Oh and since when has ambition equalled money?

We only know what the OP has told us, we don't know much about their situation tbh and to jump to the conclusion that he needs to grow up, prioritise responsibilities and that he is a cock lodger are pretty typical of Mnet tbh.

You are the one who wants more money. He's fine without it, always has been. Why have kids with such a man, much less go and have two, if you knew what he was like already? I will never understand women who stay with someone like this for years and years and have child after child with them.

If he doesn't earn anything else for the rest of the year though then £96 a week doesn't seem so great. Especially as childcare is more than that.

I think you were a fool to have babies with him. He is who he is. He doesn't care to be what you want him to be, yet you have had two babies with him. I left a man who wanted the huge house, flash holidays. I am a hippy who has a small flag, paid for with my charity's job and I play guitar and write at night. No kids, can't afford them, no big car, no boring dinner parties. Don't want to sell my soul to the devil to earn money for things I haven't chosen, I think you want him to earn big and support you and he is not that man.

To be fair, when we planned the second baby he was earning about £25k a year and I was in a less well paid but secure job with excellent maternity leave.

Can you be a bit more specific about what he does? Is there a chance he will turn a corner and start pulling in the big bucks? When your youngest starts school, and he has three more days a week, could he do something like teaching that will give you a guaranteed chunk of money.

Some people are happy drifting through life with no worries etc and it sounds like he is one of them. However you knew that right from the start. I've always been a fan of looking after myself so what's stopping you earning more?

I can understand how you feel though. I wouldn't like it but I wouldn't have chosen someone like your husband. Hard work and ambition are important qualities to me in a man.

He's not her husband. They are not married.

To be fair to the OP, growing up and having children can change how you feel about a lot of things. She might have been perfectly happy being skint but simply want more for her children.

He's a stay at home dad 3 days a week. So he has only two days a week in which to earn cash at the moment. How about he continues with his hobby two days a week and works 4 days a week in a different job once all the kids are at school?

I think it is difficult if two people have different priorities. You are entitled to want the reasonable things in life like a decent house and so on. I think he will have to compromise and get a better job because really your parents shouldn't be having to chip in so he can pursue his hobby. There has to be fairness and equality in a relationship. Not one person leading their ideal life at the expense of somebody else.

OP
I think it boils down to faith tbh
Don't get me wrong we are by no means rolling in it now, but even though we were like you in the same position things are much easier now.

We did get the mortgage, a crappy car, and the last few years, a holiday. We paid the mortgage off, got another house and paid that mortgage off.
The kids did their sport and music lessons we just budgeted for them.

We still have no money though, I'm still a sahm and dh is still a musician with very little teaching ( the equiv of the side of work your oh doesn't like)

Tinkly - no, I can't see how doing the stuff he likes (and having plenty of time to read, watch movies, listen to music) is ever going to pay "big bucks" or anything really. Doing the stuff he doesn't like so much he can earn well, £25k-30k full time. But what he is bad at/doesn't enjoy about being self-employed is getting work, invoicing, making sure he gets paid and paying tax - so even that option is unlikely to ever be secure or steady money.

Imo one of you will have to compromise or else you need to go your separate ways. Your dp's attitude was fine before you both had children to support but he has responsibilities now and needs to grow up.

I agree with SGB I'm afraid, he was always like this and lots of people do get by with low-paying creative jobs, so he's not totally crazy (especially as he is doing a lot of SAHP stuff on top of that).

Are you really sure he won't get anywhere doing what he does now? My DH and I have always been more 'do what you love' people, and been usually skint because of that, but just now we are on the cusp of doing all right finally, it just took a while.

You are not unreasonble to want more from life but what's stopping you from making more money? He worked and supported you when you went to school, is that going to pay off someday too?

He is never going to be Mr Corporate, I know that would be the easiest solution but instead you're going to have to come up with a new strategy (or leave him).

ghost

My dh is bad at the admin stuff too, so I have done most of it for him over the years. Creative types aren't always so good at this type of thing.

I think Precious has a point too, my dh did the part of his work he couldn't stand for years as well, but only pt, I wouldn't have expected him to sell his soul or anything.
I think a good compromise would be for him to do the not so nice work for 2 days and his likeable work for 3 days.
But then you will have to factor in childcare that might cancel out the wage anyway.

I don't thnk vilifying the op for her choice in a partner is particulary helpful. One doesn't really know what ones partner will be like when children come along. The reality of often different from what they they they wanted as well.

It sounds as though the op wants more for her kids and a stable life. This is quite normal, and very prudent to think of the future especially when older. If he wants to coast along, living hand to mouth like he did before children, it's a problem- because op wants to give her children opportunities for activities and she can see her dp isn't that bothered about that.

Do you have a spreadsheet with costs and money coming in? Could he do more childcare? could you study and get a better paid role? Would you be happy to do that if he supported you, emotionally and took on all the housework/ childcare? Do you want that?

It depends if you love him enough to compromise and he loves you enough to as well.

If he wanted to coast, he shouldn't have had children. That's what it comes down to. If you become a parent you have certain responsibilities and you have to do some things you don't enjoy.
Alright he's never going to be a millionaire, but he does have 50% responsibility for both their costs and their wellbeing.
OP, perhaps the way to approach it is to do an annual costing for the whole household - no luxuries, just living costs.
Then account for what you bring in, what he brings in, what you do around the house and what he does house and childcare wise (priced at market prices for cleaner and childminder or nursery).
Then look at the shortfall on his side if there is one, and ask him how he is intending to cover those costs.

At the moment, in order for me to earn more money so he doesn't have to get a job, I'd have to get an evening or weekend job and see my children even less. I don't want to do that.

As for "coasting" - fine if you're single but surely it becomes a problem if you have debts, owe thousands in tax and have children?

theposter - a compromise of him splitting his time between paying and non-paying stuff is fine in theory, but he is already supposed to be looking for more paying work but as far as I can tell he isn't. He actually has to get out find the work rather than waiting for it to fall into his lap.

I don't mean why can't you get a second job, I mean why can't you get a regular FT job that pays more? Can you progress in your own field or switch to a different line of work that pays better?

If I could just get a better paid job I would

Have you tried to monetise the creative thing that he loves? Can you say what it is so we can explore it a bit?

ghostvirus - I'm with you. Once you have children, things change. And you can't prat about being arty if it doesn't pay the rent. Especially if your OH is footing the bill and collapsing under the strain.