DH resents the fact I like work

[sara00]

I have been a SAHM for over 15 years. My earning power is zero, so this put me off applying for work. Plus the fact DH works crazy shifts. Over the past few years little digs from DH about having an easy life and being fed up with housework built up and I applied for a job. DH thought I would have no chance. I got it and have been there about a year.

I love it and am so happy there. Even had a promotion. DH really seems to resent this and also gets annoyed if I have to work late and am not home to put dinner on the table. I have even turned down overtime because of this.

I feel I could really go places in this job. I am only 35 and ashamed to say this is my first proper job. How can I get DH to understand I cannot be expected to work and be tied to the home? Also our 2 teenage sons are seeing this and always take his side which worries me. I cant talk about work or the day I have had as he just rolls his eyes.

I only earn a fifth of what DH does and I think he sees my job as a little hobby and my true role should be at home. How do I get him to adjust? I only work 20 hours, so not expecting him to do much, but dinner on the table for me when he gets home 4 hours sometimes would be nice! Or just not being grumpy when I am half an hour late and dinner isnt on the table at six.

I would start by making sure your sons (if they still receive an allowance) earn it by doing some household work. Never too late to start!

I would start increasing your hours and look to being able to support yourself and your sons because staying with your husband looks like an impossibility.

X posted. Can you do the studying now to improve your job prospects further?

With a man like that, no, indeed, you can never win. Since his only aim is to put you down, he'll find a new way to do that, whatever hoops you jump through.

It is very worrying that he essentially made you lose touch with a good friend who was encouraging you to be yourself by saying she was "a bad influence" on you. He will do whatever he can to remove the things that give you joy and strength. Your job right now is one of these things, just like your friend was before. That's why he's attacking it.

He doesn't like to see you happy and fulfilled.
He likes to see you under his thumb.

I have to agree he is controlling and unreasonable.

I would look at the prospects of ending the marriage and get a few facts and figures. Then confront him and see how he reacts.

You never know he may have been acting like a 1950s man because you've let him get away with it (for all the right reasons of course, like love) by giving in to his demands.

If you put your foot down he may realise what he will be losing and have a change in heart. Bit dubious, but you will at least have a clearer indication of the direction you want to go.

And I wouldn't hang around too long as the affect on your sons is very corrosive.

I do have to say that I think your DH just likes moaning, you cannot win.

Re your sons, it is easy to fall into the habit of them not doing things because you were a SAHM. I have been one for 10 years and my sons are 11 and 8. It is easier and faster for me to do stuff but they are both being taught how to do stuff so they know they can.

Maybe you could ask your husband exactly what it is that would make him happy. It might make him think about what it is he really wants from you. Then you can tell him when you were a SAHM he said X and then with your interest in a course he said Y and now you are working he says Z.

Maybe after all these years of having a pop at you for having an "easy life" being a SAHM he has realised what benefit it was to him (meal on table) etc

The husband is a lost cause, but fgs get your sons to start pulling their weight. I have two boys, and they are responsible for tidying their own rooms, stripping their beds, emptying the dishwasher and the odd push of the vacuum. They also make a decent cup of tea and can make a mean bacon sandwich. Basic skills for being an independent human being imo.

Yes basically this man only feels comfortable when he's several rungs up the ladder from you and can look down on you from a safe height.

It's in his interests to pretend you had a cushy life as an SAHM because then he doesn't have to acknowledge that raising 2 DC and doing all the housework is hard work. It's now in his interests to pretend your job isn't serious and you should really be his servant. Those two views don't even add up. If you were unimportant and leisured as a SAHM, then surely it can't have been that essential can it? Yes strangely he now wants you back there. This is all about him having all the power.

He even discouraged you when you applied for this job. Yet you say "I love it and am so happy there. Even had a promotion."

This is the key to your happiness OP. If I were you I would be putting my all into that career. Work up to full time, get advancing, and soon enough you'll be in a position to earn more and have whatever independence you like.

Sod the housework. You have four able-bodied people in your household and they should all be sharing it. Draw up a rota and don't do other people's jobs. Your DH doesn't even work long hours! - of course he should be making dinner when you're out and he's in. If he can't handle his share, then he can pay people to do it. It has absolutely nothing to do with you.

If you decide you've had enough of this controlling piece of work, you should also get a fair settlement that takes into account the time you've spent not working. Or, possibly, he might wake up and see that a woman is his equal in every way.

Your boss values you. He gave you a 50% pay rise. He sees your potential. Your DH should value you too and step up to support you.

so he doesn't want you to be happy staying at home

and he doesn't want you ot be happy working outside the home

does he want you to be happy?

Oh and I'd also try turning everything back on him. Say you don't feel comfortable that he likes his job so much and fails to do the housework. Say it's not on that he's been at home for 4 hours and the dinner isn't on the table. If you're expected to do these things, so is he. Point out to him that your superior skillset means you're able to work and cook, shop and clean but you know he can catch up if he really tries. And so on. When he talks demeaning, disrespectful crap, you don't need to internalise it - just show him how what he's saying sounds if it's the other way round.

Why are you so accepting of your situation?

If you have debt, work 20 hours per week and love your job, could you consider full time work and hiring a cleaner?

I couldn't put up with a joyless resentful man like this, personally.

After all, if he doesn't learn how to do these things in the context of his marriage and the family home, there's always the option of divorce, and then he will have to learn to take responsibility for himself anyway.

With respect, I think the thing your DH resents is you. Or at least you when you are happy, free and enjoying life. When you find yourself in a situation where the person who is supposed to love you is trying to crush the confidence and spirit of you with constant nitpicking and irrational complaints you really have to question their motives.

What exactly do you like about this man? He sounds like a nasty, controlling bully.

I have to agree with CaptainJane (fab name) and Cogito.

And sod the slow cooker, let them shift for themselves AND cook something for you!

You want to be treated like an equal?

Start behaving like an equal.

Stop treating him like he is the boss. Words do not matter. Your actions matter.

If he is grumpy when you go out with friends or when you do overtime, do it more He is not the boss of you.

Show him with your behaviour that you regard your own needs and wants as at least as important as his.

So many women sit their partners down to demand equal treatment not realising that what they are doing is requesting permission to be equal

When this is denied, despite lip-service to the contrary, their behaviour is to continue putting their partners needs before their own. They moan about how he gets the hump, sulks, strops, if she goes out to see her mates etc, so obviously she can't do it. Er, no, you still go out, he gets a strop on, so what?

There doesn't have to be a big chat, an announcement that you have changed. You just start behaving like an equal instead of a subordinate. You do not need his permission to do this. He won't like it. So? He'll adjust somehow. He's a grown-up.

Work overtime. Go full time if you want.

If he get the hump and tries to have a row, don't engage. Children are remonstrated with. Equal partners are not.

While I totally agree that she needs to behave as an equal and stand up to him, I think she does need to talk to him to spell out the situation: not to tell him she's changed, she hasn't, but to tell him he needs to change or it's over.

If she doesn't, he won't have a clue what's going on, will accuse her of having 'gone mental', assume all kinds of nonsense, and play the victim.

Superb post TheLittleOneSaidRollOver

Whatever Cogito says. Spot on as per.

he will never be happy. It doesn't matter what you do - this is how it is.

so, work more hours. find out how much equity is in house. find out what you could buy with half the equity. how much is rental. plan for moving out and making it alone.

with all the facts you can then decide what to do.

in meantime, don't rush back.

leave note saying make yourself food from the fridge/cupboard.
make sure your sons know how to cook pasta and a sauce.
no one will go hungry!
.