Thanks for your posts. I've now got an aching back and aching limbs. It will be better tomorrow (also h will be away until Friday I think so I will have time to pull myself together and to think).
Yes I am a SAHM. We have three dc who are 8, 10 and almost 13. The house is in his name. He also owns other business properties which he rents out etc... There is a mortgage but I don't know how much it is (I pay for food, anything and everything dc related, some holidays, some furniture etc...). I own half of the flat that my sister is living in so that would go into an asset "pot" as well but "h's" bit of it is much bigger than mine. H very bitter about his first divorce (where he lost the family home but got a smaller business property) so would not make anything easy.
I know I need to work and also want to but don't know if I am coming or going. I posted about it here which kind of explains LINK.
It's very difficult to know if I have done enough to try to make it work between us. My working would help I think but I am endlessly blindsided by the feeling that he would not support me in a crisis and would rather not be with me. He comes from a family that don't really "do" emotion and the expression of them (on another occasion his sister said they have "a distant way/personality" and that they aren't "good at being close and communicative, especially when stressed") and who can be angry and rude, but I don't think I can carry on exisiting without any verbal affection or affirmation that he is happy to be with me (and I have existed like that for years).
I don't know, it's not pretty, any of it, least of all me - am feeling unattractive.
The worst of all of this is that we slept together for the first time in ages at the weekend. I then can't get my head around the fact that that doesn't translate into any verbal or physical affection the next day (or any days after that!). Almost as if it hadn't happened.
It's all a mess.
Should add that I then texted h back with
"The way you have things set up (in order to protect yourself and because you don't trust me) means that I can only ever be a child in this relationship. I don't want to be responsible for your unhappiness. I need to be in a relationship where I can talk. Your "lazy" and "teenager lollipop" accusations are offensive. My whole life is dedicated to the kids."
and
"I get that you need to be with a different more grown up and independent kind of person that you can admire (like X whom you went to make soup with - by the way that hurt my feelings). You absolutely do not have to stay with me. Life is short."
He texted back : "Get off the phone."
I know that the whole texting thing is utterly ridiculous but he is impossible to talk to without it becoming an argument (and it has been like this for a very very long time). He is very very stubborn and defensive. He is now home and of course we are not speaking. I don't think there is anything left to say on my part anyway because I feel totally shit 
and kind of laughable.