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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've got the horrible ache in the pit of my stomach again

71 replies

textingdisaster · 04/11/2014 15:47

What would you do / how would you feel if your h texted you to:

"Find something better to do than playing the lazy teenager waiting for her lollipop".

In response to your texting:

"Being told hoovering mess up will "give me something to do", being falsely accused of throwing hats away, only being touched if we sleep together, never being shown any affection, not being able to discuss anything for fear that you will say something nasty / be angry, not being an equal partner and being able to discuss any plans we might have for the future. You do not love me. I feel completely unappreciated."

The texting part is weird I know but we have lots of issues and talking face to face is impossible. He normally doesn't reply to texts but must have felt roused enough to send me the lazy teenager insult back.

OP posts:
AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 20:55

if you are married it doesn't matter whose name is on the deeds

Original poster
textingdisaster · 04/11/2014 20:56

He is self-employed which might make the disclosure harder.

I am just exhausted of it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
textingdisaster · 04/11/2014 20:58

Yes I know AF. H would have to accept it too but I just don't know how difficult and unpleasant he might make everything.

Bottom line though I cannot carry on functioning on no validation or thinking that he would rather not be with me but has to put up with it.

OP posts:
AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 20:59

I can see that Sad

You know, he wouldn't be the first self employed person to get their arse divorced.

Original poster
textingdisaster · 04/11/2014 21:06

*I would think he did not give a shit about me and had resorted to name calling. And I'd conclude that expressions of emotion that can only be done via text means a pretty decisive breakdown of communication.

I am so sorry. This must be a very stressful way to live.*

It is stressful Yarp.

I just don't know how I got here Sad??

OP posts:
Original poster
textingdisaster · 04/11/2014 21:07

Sorry that was meant to read

I would think he did not give a shit about me and had resorted to name calling. And I'd conclude that expressions of emotion that can only be done via text means a pretty decisive breakdown of communication.

I am so sorry. This must be a very stressful way to live.

OP posts:
Original poster
textingdisaster · 04/11/2014 21:09

he wouldn't be the first self employed person to get their arse divorced.

No and it would be his second divorce. I have no idea if he ever analyses what he does and the part he plays in things.

OP posts:
Jux · 04/11/2014 21:15

Are there no bank statements at all that are stashed somewhere you could get at them?

AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 21:18

That is not really your concern now. What needs to be at the forefront of your future actions is the impact that this way of living must be having on your mental and physical health.

Itsfab · 04/11/2014 21:28

So what are you going to do? If you do nothing and stay with this man the whole rest of your life will be him telling you to jump and you saying how high. Your children deserve better. You deserve better. He deserves to be left.

Get off the phone?! Hmm Who made him lord and master? You?

Itsfab · 04/11/2014 21:31

Of course he doesn't analyse his actions as he sees no need too. He does what he wants while everyone else lives a half life. Children included.

Original poster
textingdisaster · 04/11/2014 21:37

Tbh I don't think he has any money, it's all tied up in the equity that remains after the mortgage.

Yes I feel utterly crap and like a kind of failure / joke person.

Am looking at myself in the mirror and don't like what I see either Sad. Am 45 and looking drawn and sad. I then wonder if he has gone off me because I am "past my prime" Hmm. I don't think it is even that necessarily but that there is some kind of fundamental incompatibility going on. We are certainly stuck in the most ginormous rut and I have no idea how to get out of it.

I don't know, this whole thing is pressing a lot of my buttons and not in a good way Grin.

I feel so SAD at what I have lost (including my youth Sad) and what could have been.

OP posts:
Original poster
textingdisaster · 04/11/2014 21:44

Itsfab I agree he is not lord and master. He and some of his sibling share domineering and imperious traits.

I don't think he is very happy either though. He is going away for work and sounded happy about it (before the argument). When I asked when he was coming back he said "never". He stays at his Mum's when he is there and finds it restful I think.

The whole half life / in limbo thing is true Sad.

OP posts:
AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 21:45

You are not a "joke person"

Original poster
textingdisaster · 04/11/2014 21:45

What I can't work out is why he himself won't end the marriage (it would be easier for me if he would!)?

OP posts:
Original poster
textingdisaster · 04/11/2014 21:46

Thanks AF Smile.

OP posts:
AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 21:46

He likes seeing you hurt and confused ?

Original poster
textingdisaster · 04/11/2014 21:48

I think we have radically different ideas of what a relationship is which means, in my case, that I am permanently going to be disappointed.

OP posts:
Original poster
textingdisaster · 04/11/2014 21:50

Yes I wonder about that AF. They say that people who are emotionally abusive (or who have EA traits) get their power from having a psychological over other people...

OP posts:
Itsfab · 04/11/2014 21:51

Of course he finds it restful at mummy's. She probably runs around after him and there are no annoying wives or children to piss him off.

He doesn't want to end the marriage as he can't be arsed, likes having you as his toy to toy with and control, he doesn't want to pay for it. Any number of reasons.

Come on love, you are awesome. Giving birth makes that a given. Don't give this twathead any more of your time.

It is over. So finish it off.

Original poster
textingdisaster · 04/11/2014 21:51

psychological hold

OP posts:
Original poster
textingdisaster · 04/11/2014 21:54

Come on love, you are awesome. Thanks Smile. Weird what an effect words like that can have even anonymously over the Internet Grin.

OP posts:
Original poster
textingdisaster · 04/11/2014 22:33

Does anyone have any thoughts on why you would be able to touch someone affectionately during sex but never touch them at any other time?

OP posts:
VanitasVanitatum · 04/11/2014 22:38

Lust. Sex is a totally different drive to emotion or affection for some people.

You need to divorce him. Don't wait for him to do it. There is nothing left for you in this relationship and you know it.

Thanks
AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 22:52

he views you as a sexual object for his use, but no real affection outside of that

his other behaviour/the way he treats you signposts that very clearly