I've got the horrible ache in the pit of my stomach again

[textingdisaster]

What would you do / how would you feel if your h texted you to:

"Find something better to do than playing the lazy teenager waiting for her lollipop".

In response to your texting:

"Being told hoovering mess up will "give me something to do", being falsely accused of throwing hats away, only being touched if we sleep together, never being shown any affection, not being able to discuss anything for fear that you will say something nasty / be angry, not being an equal partner and being able to discuss any plans we might have for the future. You do not love me. I feel completely unappreciated."

The texting part is weird I know but we have lots of issues and talking face to face is impossible. He normally doesn't reply to texts but must have felt roused enough to send me the lazy teenager insult back.

You are there to deal with the things which inconvenience him. Heaven forefend that someone as important as he should have to deal with boring domestic duties. He is the Master and you are the little satellite which hovers around him waiting to deal with his every whim.

Do not believe one thing he says or does, ever; in his sad little mind, the only thing that matters is winning and everything is geared to it.

You are worth so much more than this, you are worth so much more than him. You could spend the rest of your life like this, or you could take a walk on the wild side and leave him! Scary and exciting. New life, fresh hope, fun times, independence.

You can do it, Texting. It is all there waiting for you and your children.

how long have things been like this, f you already went to see a solicitor before?

You cant live like this - they all sound dysfunctional.

Did you ever feel good in this relationship - was he ever expressive/affectionate.

stays at his mums that speaks volumes to me...

You sound nice and normal. Your emotional needs are normal.

Do not believe one thing he says or does, ever; what do you mean by this Jux?

Well I had hoped that lying on bed with a hot water bottle would help relax me but almost an hour later everything is still aching. I am also having flashbacks to very early days of our relationship when things were happier, and wondering how on earth I will withstand the inevitable grief if we do get divorced .

Would it be worse than this ?

One man isn't worth this. No man should have the power to bring you so low. You have it within you to recover. But not until you get from under him.

stays at his mums that speaks volumes to me... why andsmile?

Things have been like this for a long time. He has never been expressive but was much more affectionate in the early part of our relationship. I haven't been perfect and have contributed to some of the issues. The real distance had been there for about 8 or 9 years I think (we have been together for 18). Things have always been up and down between us.

You sound nice and normal. Your emotional needs are normal. Thank you.

I think h's alcoholic father who left the home when he was 15 has contributed to that dysfunction. I don't think his parents modelled an affectionate adult relationship either.

At least half the anxiety you have, texting, is because you haven't made a decision and you aren't in control. He's pulling all the strings and tying you up in knots.

Start detaching, make that decision, see a solicitor, start taking control. Look at the next step you have to make, not the entire process or endpoint as that will be too overwhelming.

You have it within you to recover. Thanks AF I hope so. I think it would be easier if I never had to be in contact again but given the dc that won't be the case. Am also scared my almost 13 year old may choose to live with him, soon followed by 10 year old dd1.

Astronomical London house prices also make it scary. It is all terrifying basically.

Sorry scallops I missed your post. Yes being in limbo is horrible!

Nobody can do it for you, lovey.

You sound like a totally nice, lovely NORMAL person.

He on the other hand sounds like a cowardly nob.

Hth.

Am beset by regret and sadness. Have to find a more positive way of looking at it. The evenings getting dark so early don't help.

Yes it does help dalek thanks .

I know AF but it is such a life shattering thing to be contemplating that after staring into the abyss I revert to the status quo.

Am going to see a lady who does metamorphic technique tomorrow. Have seen her twice already in the last 3 months and have felt more positive and happy for a few days after the treatment. Am hoping she can work her magic tomorrow!

Good Morning

I didn't get much sleep last night so feel fairly shattered but at least the aching limbs have gone.

H now away for 2 or 3 days. Then I am taking the kids away at the weekend for a night (asked him if he wanted to come too but he said no - he hasn't been to see my Aunt with me for ages since he knows I used to speak to her about stuff (especially when he wouldn't talk for weeks and I would be desperate)).

The question is do I tell him that I don't think this can work any longer or do I get my "ducks in a row" first?

One of the problems I have is that we have survived for so long without really relating that separating seems like an extreme uncalled for step to take (breaking up the dcs' home etc..).

I suppose that if I go for the getting my ducks in a row scenario, there is an outside chance that while I am doing that, h senses a change in atmosphere and starts relating normally / affectionately ? Also, any way you look at it I will have to become more independent so I may as well do it while still married?

One of the things I will not miss if we separate is his short temper and propensity to tell me off about random stuff .

Get a good solicitor first, organise your finances, research how/ where you and dc will live, get your confidence and spirit together and then let him know you are divorcing him.

What squid said. Knowledge is power and having a plan in place will give you more confidence.

I think you might benefit from counselling, and definitely talk to your Aunt honestly, as you don't seem to be aware of how you are being treated, used, played given your questions about peoples comments.

Easy to say for us to say things as it is all so clear but maybe harder when you are living it and it is your "normal."

wondering how on earth I will withstand the inevitable grief if we do get divorced

Grief is a journey. No-one escapes it, many have more than others but everybody gets Grief. This is not to minimise it but to make clear that it is inevitable. Wouldn't it be better to endure it as a result of getting your life back? You're almost being a miserable by-stander in your own life atm.

You're feeling sick because your mind/spirit doesn't like this, cannot tolerate it and is literally making you sick to get the message through that action is required.

I think that he may well, if you start arranging those ducks, get affectionate again. And it sounds like you will see it for what it is-an attempt to keep things how he is comfortable with and reel you back in.

You've got it on its head, pet. You're not staring into the abyss. You're in the abyss already, and that scary light over there is actually the way out.

Ohhhh well said, Anniegetyourgun .... love the name btw!