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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i am the primary carer but husband keeps threatening he'll get house and children

53 replies

crochetfever · 02/11/2014 19:06

I am divorcing my husband as he had emo affair and treated me badly so trust has gone.
just starting the awful process and looking at financial settlement.
he has big pension, earns much more than me who is only part time, self employed. he knows I cannot afford the mortgage and keeps trying to intimidate me into thinking he will get the house and the children (16 and 17). I have always worked part time and have been main carer of the children with very healthy relationship with them both. he says I can go and work full time. I have long term depression and anxiety and other health issues, which he knows prevent me from working full time.
I cites my health problems, parenting and lack of socialising as to why he had to find a 'friend' because I made him sooo unhappy!!!
How likely is it that I will not get the house and not get custody.
if this happened my life would not be worth a dot and I am soo scared that it would happen.
does anyone know about this???

OP posts:

Original poster

crochetfever · 02/11/2014 19:09

oh and he has a really good government pension that he's paid into as final salary pension for 14 years. he said that it will cost me 5,000 to try to get access to this...............

OP posts:

Jengnr · 02/11/2014 19:10

Unlikely. He doesn't even want custody. He's just pushing buttons he knows will hurt you.

socially · 02/11/2014 19:12

He sounds like a right twat OP - he's just trying to intimidate you.

Your dc will be asked what they want and they are old enough to make that decision for themselves.

What do they want?

If you are unable to work full time your exH will likely as not have to hand over a decent chunk of cash to support you and the kids, at least until they are out of ft education.

He probably knows this and is trying to intimidate you into not fighting your corner.

Take him to the cleaners.

Original poster

crochetfever · 02/11/2014 19:12

I just can't believe this is the same man I married. it's breaking my heart as he has brought this awful situation into our life and is just saying such horrible things. then when my son asked me what was wrong earlier, whilst dh was out I told him basics without saying anything about affair and when dh came back, I told him that son had asked. he said I was trying to turn him against him.

OP posts:

FiftyShadesofScreeeeeeeam · 02/11/2014 19:13

I'm sorry, he sounds like a right arsehole

At your children's age, it would generally be up to them to decide. As for the house, as primary carer you'd generally get to stay there (with him jointly liable for mortgage) until youngest child is 18.

But really, see a solicitor as soon as you can. That's your best option right now.

Original poster

crochetfever · 02/11/2014 19:14

gosh that makes me feel better thank you socially. I think you are right, they are both full time students for at least next 3 years!!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2014 19:14

Please don't panic. Sorry things have broken down but there is hope. Do make an appointment with a solicitor. Financially the starting point is that all assets, often including pension pots if you've been a SAHM, are regarded as joint. How joint depends on various criteria. Teenagers will be able to decide which parent they wish to live with within reason. But counteract the threats with profesional information.

Original poster

crochetfever · 02/11/2014 19:15

without sounding big headed, my relationship with both children is really good so I would reckon they would want to live with me............horrible to say out loud but I think that's it

OP posts:

Chrissy41 · 02/11/2014 19:16

classic abuser's script - they all claim they will take the kids away, leave you penniless, etc - just another line of bullying isn't it.

The children are plenty old enough to decide where they want to go. Solicitor and Women's Aid for you I reckon.

Oh and telling your son the basic truth is not trying to turn anyone against anyone - that is just you being honest. Your son will be grateful that you have been truthful so do not doubt yourself over that for one moment.

Original poster

crochetfever · 02/11/2014 19:16

yes I have looked at wikivorce for financial settlement.
problem is without paying, solicitors don't really say much.
I have found one that gives 30 mins chat for free but not sure I can afford to use them for the whole thing

OP posts:

Chrissy41 · 02/11/2014 19:18

and that is what your husband is counting on - surely the fees would come out of any final settlement anyway, so am sure you could afford it.

Original poster

crochetfever · 02/11/2014 19:19

oh right, chrissy if I paid for a solicitor does it just come out of the final pot then?

OP posts:

FiftyShadesofScreeeeeeeam · 02/11/2014 19:21

Do you have home insurance? I presume you do as part of mortgage. It may include legal expenses insurance. It's worth checking out.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2014 19:21

You can afford it. Tot up 50% of the equity in your home and let's say 30% of his pension pot and set that against a few thousand in fees. It's worth it. In the meantime, take the 30 minute freebie because you'll learn a lot.

socially · 02/11/2014 19:22

Solicitors costs will be sorted as part of the settlement - but confirm that with the solicitor when you contact them.

You need someone in your corner who knows what they're doing and won't be intimidated by empty threats.

Believe me - it's worth it.

Castlemilk · 02/11/2014 19:31

Another tip - go to every local solicitor you can find and have the free half hour.

Once they've spoken to you, they can't act for him

But once you choose, try and get a recommendation - and make sure it's a Rottweiler!

Original poster

crochetfever · 02/11/2014 19:32

okay, thank you all for this info, blimey, mumsnet is so good isn't it.
yes I do have home insurance and will check whilst he's at work tomorrow.
Life is hard sometimes eh?!!x

OP posts:

Original poster

crochetfever · 02/11/2014 19:33

haha - they were his family dogs !! and I didn't know once you talk to a solicitor he couldn't use them.

OP posts:

hamptoncourt · 02/11/2014 19:33

Absolutely see a solicitor. If you divorce him for UB you can ask that he pays your fees anyway.

This is absolutely a classic part of the script. I promise you he is just trying to scare you into submission/punish you for daring to challenge his shitty behaviour.

You will feel so much better when you have seen a solicitor. I guarantee it. He will tell you that you do not need to see a sol and you cannot afford it but that is just bollocks pressure to put u in your place and stop you getting the advice which will show you, quite clearly, that it is you who holds all the cards here OP.

Please come back and let us know how you got on. He will be shitting himself when he realises you are getting legal advice

cestlavielife · 02/11/2014 19:34

at 16 and 17 the children will decide who to live with.

Original poster

crochetfever · 02/11/2014 19:36

Hi Hampton I am expecting to use the UB category so that's really helpful, thank you. Yes, once it's out of my head and other people see how he is behaving it makes sense, he is panicking and being spiteful. As my life for months now has been full of this behaviour you kind of get used to it as real......................
Yes I will feel better won't I as he is desperate to control me.
I have already got the house valued which shocked him!

OP posts:

socially · 02/11/2014 19:37

Castlemilk that isn't true. They can only not act for him if they've actually taken you on as a client. And even then, they could still act for him under certain circumstances.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2014 19:39

Are you all still living together for now?

Original poster

crochetfever · 02/11/2014 19:44

we are still living together............just. it's awful sharing the same bed!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2014 19:47

Same bed? He's threatening you. Please don't give him the idea that this treatment is OK.

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