i am the primary carer but husband keeps threatening he'll get house and children

[crochetfever]

I am divorcing my husband as he had emo affair and treated me badly so trust has gone.
just starting the awful process and looking at financial settlement.
he has big pension, earns much more than me who is only part time, self employed. he knows I cannot afford the mortgage and keeps trying to intimidate me into thinking he will get the house and the children (16 and 17). I have always worked part time and have been main carer of the children with very healthy relationship with them both. he says I can go and work full time. I have long term depression and anxiety and other health issues, which he knows prevent me from working full time.
I cites my health problems, parenting and lack of socialising as to why he had to find a 'friend' because I made him sooo unhappy!!!
How likely is it that I will not get the house and not get custody.
if this happened my life would not be worth a dot and I am soo scared that it would happen.
does anyone know about this???

Definitely talk to Women's Aid. Sounds like the relationship in general is abusive. And I would bet cash money that some of your depression is caused by his treatment of you.

As another poster has learnt to her [temporary, at least] cost, a general family lawyer might not be good enough. You want one who is good with domestic abuse issues. One poster found a shit-hot Rottweiler through her local Women's Aid one-stop centre. Perhaps you've got something like that near you.

The good news is that he's got a [government] job and pension - not so easy to hide. Some women getting divorced have a helluva time with the guys who own their own businesses and can cook the books.

Spend some time tomorrow making appointments and going through paperwork.

Well same bed unless both children are out then I sleep in one of theirs...not great but it helps.

Thank you ceSometimes his treatment is not okay is it.
and pMarina women's aid is a great idea I will study this in depth tomorrow. good point about the gov pension, he was gutted when I mentioned I was entitled..................what does he expect! I have bloody supported him through degree and lovely job for years and then to do this. He wanted us to just carry on and 'work it out' for me to change basically. and then he said, well I might not stay anyway and then I found out when we'd discussed splitting before, he was contacting her in secret again and wonders why I am keen to get things moving in divorce direction!!!

Oh apologies. I thought that once they'd advised you, they would then advise him to go elsewhere - certainly happened with a friend of mine divorcing, and I certainly thought that was before she'd actually instructed them. Don't listen to me on the solicitor thing then OP!!!

I take issue with needing a shit hot Rottweiler.

You just need a lawyer. The law as to what you are entitled to is pretty clear. You just need someone who knows what they are doing.

It's more important to get someone who is supportive and who you trust.

no worries, castle xx

I'm sorry you disagree, socially. But time and time again on these threads, it is shown that the divorcer of a bully needs a Rottweiler on her team or the bully-husband walks all over her.

It's all very well to talk about the law being clear, but it's down to you to ensure it gets enforced, and for this you need somebody who will take no nonsense. And with this kind of guy, a "softly softly" approach just gets taken for weakness, causes more longer-term problems than it's worth.

And I don't even necessarily mean an expensive lawyer. I think the Rottie whom I referenced last post was low-cost, via the charity.

Is there really nowhere else for you to sleep? I simply could not countenance sleeping with the enemy, which is what he has now become. Surely, when you are in bed, and your defences are down in order for you to become relaxed enough to sleep is absolutely the last place you need to be in such close proximity to him.

I'd sleep in the shed rather than that.

well I have asked him to move out several times on a temporary basis and all he says is if you want space you know where the door is....as he doesn't agree with a break. I have told him that I would like to move into another room but I now think he should instead. He's acting like I'm the guilty party who has ruined his life! it's very difficult to guard yourself someone you previously trusted your life with for nearly 20 years and think that now he's the enemy............horrible situation

Maybe he should be the one to move rooms, but as he's clearly not going to, then you need to. I'd be sleeping on the sofa, if only to ram home the point that the relationship is over, more than anything else at the moment.

hi clam yes that's how I feel that he needs to get the message. The one problem with doing anything controversial is the children then see stuff. I thought I would never be someone to behave in this way and for my kids to see this breaks my heart, to be honest.

Have you applied for DLA for your health issues?

Being in receipt of this may make the judge more inclined to not expect you to work full time and you might get some maintenance from your husband. He may also have to pay the mortgage to keep you and the kids housed, but only if his income is sufficient to house himself also. You will definitely be entitled to a share of his pension in some form.

Basically the children will be able to choose who they live with at their age, but when they are both over 18 it enters a bit of a grey area wrt jobs, university and child maintenance. They are treated as adults.

There are so many variables in your case which will affect things I would make a list and get the free half hour.

Crochet - I remember your last thread, and I agree; get a ShitHotsolicitor! Lots of them seem to pussyfoot about as if they are dealing wiith a reasonably man...
re the dc - at 16 and 17 no-one will 'get custody'. They will decide where they live, in fact they can leave home and live anywhere they like.

hiya - my youngest dc has 3 years at college and is only just 16 so that should help I s'pose and my health records would record my history - would that be taken into account? he would be able to afford to pay a bit of our mortgage and his own . I had a sudden request to work today but have called about 4 solicitors and am hopefully talking them some time tomorrow for advice. Let's hope that sheds some light on it all.
Thank you for your advice, everybody xx

Hi Jennifer you sound as though you have experience in this awfulness - it's so hard isn't it to stop, as life has to continue....I have just booked a face to face apt with a solicitor hopefully for Thursday. she sounds great.
As for the bedrooms, I have a plan that I am going to suggest which will mean a bedroom for each of us.....................
detaching is a very weird, difficult and alien behaviour that sometimes I just can't achieve but am getting stronger. Your right about what he says which is why it has taken me 3 months from when I first found out to keep strong enough not to back down when he says one little thing. I actually think I might feel proud just for standing my ground with him. Even though he has made this situation occur he has such a way with words and behaviour that he can manipulate a situation, so just for ignoring that I am relieved. I know I have now made the right decision and just need to wear earplugs when he's in the house!
thank you x

I had a government pension. Upon divorce I had to pay my employer for it to be split so XH could have half. (It's called adding insult to injury.) However, although it annoyed me in our case, I do agree with the general principle.

crochet, I mean this with the best of intentions. Start recording your conversations. They're not admissible in court, and a teeny bit illegal to do, but if your brain is messed up to the point where you don't know if you remember something right, utterly indispensable. I've been through some tough (employment) issues and having some accurate record of what's actually said, from which you can make notes, is invaluable.

And build up a history of things he's said before: his lies about access, payments, generally his bullying. Write down everything you can as it occurs to you, in a safe place. Fill in the blanks as and when you can.

You'll be fine but - I don't want to use the wrong word business - treat it like it's a new hobby/area of study. It helps, not just to give you a more coherent divorce petition, but also to give you a sense of purpose and a bit of distance from the emotional part of what you're going through.

Thank you Jennifer/annie/pedant some really useful advice.
It is difficult just to get to speak to a solicitor as every time I'm free they're busy. I will try again tomorrow. he keeps asking if it is still going ahead, so I am trying to act casual about it. He wants to close the joint account but I don't see how that will work as he's still at home and I will then have to ask him every time I need to spend money?? any ideas people x

Ooorrr (just read your other thread):

Listen to 1-2 questions, then say "you're annoying me" and leave the room.

That'll larn him.

I have a reply from a solicitor who says I am entitled to immediate divorce with him paying costs and able to stay in home til children finish college...........and am seeing her on Monday!!
Progress!!!

Yayyy! But don't let that stop you talking to other solicitors, as well. Get a consensus.

So pleased for you! I'll bet you feel lighter than air right now.

A friend of mine, whose husband refused to move out, made a part of the sitting room her bedroom until they divorced.