Selfish vs martyr - which is a better role model for children?

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

Ideally of course neither. But if it was between the two, what is less damaging for them to see?

So as not to drip feed, I'm often accused of being a martyr by my DH (I don't agree), whereas he acknowledges he is very selfish. His theory is that it's better to get what you want in life no matter who you upset along the way. My theory isn't quite the same.

I amaze myself sometimes....

Be very careful you don't end up like my MIL.She devoted her life to her two boys and husband. They all took it for granted. When mil and FIL devorced , mil felt 'left' by her boys as they would spend more time with there dad. She felt ruined by FIL because she gave him the best years of her life.

Selfless acts only work when you genuinely want no thanks or gratitude. Otherwise you end up years down the road feeling bitter and used.

Mil is a maytr and FIL is a selfish twat. She is the only one with bad feelings.

When you go shop, get your favourite food ect.. Start putting you first because if you dont respect yourself how will they.

MILs byline is ' I'll walk over broken glass for my lads' - really why?
She also told me when I first met her that 'she will always be no.1 in her boys life" - no dear, your not. Why would you be no.1 when you always put yourself last.

There are shadows of this in my relationship. Dh 's first instinct is nearly always selfish eg what would benefit him most. Whereas I am more liable to put others first eg before myself. Two things have hlped us have helped us strike a bit more of a balance most of the time.

I have explained the concept of a "favour bank" in that if we don't help out, we won't be able to call on these favours later. In return I do question why I am doing things for others and try to make sure I do things for myself as well. For example I will make sure I see my friends over half term as well as ferrying the dcs around.

OP you sound like a lovely person. Lovely people have lovely friends.
Sometimes when we do a good deed we can't know if we might be paid back in spades at an unspecified time in the future. Random acts of kindness can also be contagious. But payback isn't the motivation for doing it, something your DH clearly doesn't grasp.
It's gestures like yours which make the world go round, not the cold corporate heart of your DH. That mentality would drag me down. He also sounds like he has contempt for your generous character & his criticism & derogatory remarks show a worrying lack of respect for you.
DH needs to think about who will visit him when he is old and in a nursing home & who will attend his funeral one day: only you by the sound of it, possibly not even his children. You could remind him he needs to be nice to them because one day they might be choosing his nursing home.
In contrast the ripple effect of your kindness will probably reach further than you will ever know.
As pp have said, please make sure you are assertive. Your children have a wonderful role model in you. I think they need to see you openly challenge your DH's beliefs and assumptions. Perhaps they could join in some light-hearted teasing of their DF.

Great question and the honest answer is I don't know but I did not get where I am today without being a bit selfish. It's called survival. I'm nice to people but I make no secret of the fact that will climb over others to get what I want. As a child and teen I was the most selfless person you could ever wish to meet but when you are like that people start taking you for granted.
If I'm honest I'd rather my d.d grow up selfish and poweful than a martyr who people took advantage of and if that makes me shallow. I'll wear the cap.

Cogito

You hit the nail on the head. That was what I was thinking but could not have articulated.

OP - don't accept his definition of martyr. And anyway, it's a poor thing that he should set up a competition between you in this way.

Fortunately I don't think has to be one or the other, Iliveinalighthousewithaghost. You can reach a position of power without trampling all over your colleagues on your way up. I grant you this is not always the case, but it can be.

I bet he's a Tory too. Ugh. LTB.