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Original poster

new partner not keen on giving oral, not sure how to handle it

58 replies

bitembarrassed3 · 01/11/2014 13:24

hi am a bit embarrassed about this not sure if its tmi. anyway been seeing a new guy he seems nice very kind and thoughtful. we have gotten closer but when chatting about stuff we like etc he said he wasn't a fan of giving oral as it made him feel like gagging and uncomfortable. this was a bit of a surprise as previous guys have all been ok with it and its always been a big part of what I like.

obviously he doesn't mind if I do it to him but is quite firm about not being keen. he hasn't said never but the thing is I don't want him to be uncomfortable and I think if it was other way round he would drop it. I suggested he could try and practice but I don't think he will. also purely selfishly if he hasn't done a lot of it he is unlikely to know what to do down there anyway.

its just that has always been the main way I have ahem enjoyed myself. its not that other stuff isn't good but its just that is so much better

so I guess am asking should I just accept that it wont happen with him or is there a nice way of encouraging it. I do feel selfish but I do find it unusual as not come across it before

OP posts:
MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 01/11/2014 13:29

He doesn't like it, he doesn't want to do it then that's it. You have to decide what's better, this relationship or oral. There is no 'nice encouragement' because no matter how nice you try and be it's still putting pressure on someone to do something they don't want to do.

anonacfr · 01/11/2014 13:29

Personally it would be a dealbreaker for me.

I'd expect a loving sexual partner to want to please me. The fact that he's not willing to try at all is off putting.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 01/11/2014 13:33

I'd expect a loving sexual partner to not want me to do things that I don't enjoy and that make me unhappy, but maybe different people have different ideas of 'loving'.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 01/11/2014 13:33

You're not compatible. Leave him.

Its perfectly ok for him not to want to give oral. But it matters to you, so look elsewhere.

Custardo · 01/11/2014 13:34

whats good for the goose is good for the gander in my eyes

if im not getting it, then dh isn't either

carlsonrichards · 01/11/2014 13:36

You are not compatible. I would move on from someone like this, but plenty of women do not like receiving oral, so he needs to find someone who is okay with that.

JabberJabberJay · 01/11/2014 13:38

If he doesn't like it then he doesn't like it. You should never pressure a sexual partner to do things they are uncomfortable with.

He has been upfront with you about this. If you now realise this makes you sexually incompatible then you must end it.

Rebecca2014 · 01/11/2014 13:39

Well I suppose it goes both ways then!!

Original poster
bitembarrassed3 · 01/11/2014 13:41

its so hard as he seems to be a really nice genuine guy and that does go a long way in making up for the fact he isnt keen on this issue. its really the only thing but not sure how much of a dealbreaker it is.

OP posts:
carlsonrichards · 01/11/2014 13:44

No oral. Ever. For me, a dealbreaker. He's happy for you to do it on him Hmm

Nah.

carlsonrichards · 01/11/2014 13:45

You say it's a big part of what you like. Don't settle for less.

Viviennemary · 01/11/2014 13:49

If he doesn't want to that's up to him. Why should he be forced into something he doesn't want to do. That is just simply not acceptable.

Original poster
bitembarrassed3 · 01/11/2014 13:49

its just so hard this is first person after exh and for his faults we were always compatible in that department. its been a long time alone and its so hard to find anyone even half decent that I feel maybe am making a fuss over nothing. I just feel like I have to settle and compromise as ex would always put me down a lot and be like oh who is gonna go out with you, with two kids, you gonna be 40 in couple of years etc etc

OP posts:
Joysmum · 01/11/2014 13:50

Good for him about being upfront about it. There are things my DH enjoys doing to me that I wouldn't enjoy doing and visa versa. Neither of us measure this in a tit for tat type way as other posters have.

Either it's a deal breaker or it isn't. It could be that he's good with his hands instead.

It's pointless getting together with somebody in the hope of changing them. Not fair on either of you.

SpookyGoingsOnOnTheLandscape · 01/11/2014 13:52

You need to accept it. He's been honest, he doesn't like it and you just have to suck it up (sorry!).

carlsonrichards · 01/11/2014 13:52

It's a big part of what you like. You say that in your OP. So as he doesn't like it, you will always end up frustrated. Move on. This won't work.

HelloItsMeFell · 01/11/2014 13:56

You can't try to suggest he practises to get used to something he is uncomfortable with doing sexually - can you imagine if a man said that to a woman? Shock

If it's not his thing you will have to respect that. But if it were me I'd find the sex one-sided and unfulfilling and I'd be struggling not to look elsewhere after a while. Especially if he was keen to take oral sex from me. Hmm

fluffling · 01/11/2014 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OiGiveItBack · 01/11/2014 13:59

You have to respect him for being honest. It would be wrong to pressurise him to do something he doesn't want to do. Can you imagine the replies if the sexes in the OP were reversed. I don't think posters would be so insistent that he should 'at least try it'

OP. It's a choice you have to make. I can't see an easy way to solve this problem.

Dowser · 01/11/2014 14:05

Why not wait a while and ask him exactly what it is he doesn't like.

You could have sex therapy you know. After some counselling sessions with relate ( to make sure it's a sex problem and not a relationship problem ) you could then be referred to a sex counsellor. It's usually a relate trained counsellor who has had the extra training.

It might be a bit too soon to bin a good guy just yet. He might just need to build up his sexual confidence..

Is it only early days. Maybe take the pressure off a bit and let the relationship deepen. If he's a good guy he surely will want to please you.

One of the things we were taught, although I didn't do the extra sex training is to take the pressure of sex and spend more time being intimate, cuddling, massages, kissing ....that sort of thing.just loving and appreciating each others bodies in a sensual rather a sexual way.

If he's as nice as he sounds I think he maybe could go the distance . At the end of the day, it's all in his mind really.

WorraLiberty · 01/11/2014 14:06

Jesus I can't believe you suggested he 'try and practise'?!

He's a grown up. He doesn't like giving oral sex because it makes him feel like gagging, so why would you even suggest he tries and practises?

I'm afraid you'll either have to accept it, or end the relationship.

Joysmum · 01/11/2014 14:07

if it's taste or feel you could suggest a dental dam?

Excellent suggestion if it's the taste he objects to.

I liken some of the responses on this thread as being the female version of men complaining they don't swallow.

WorraLiberty · 01/11/2014 14:09

If he's a good guy he surely will want to please you

So by the same token, a good woman will suck cock to please her man, even if it makes her uncomfortable and feel like gagging?

Really?

My definition of a good person is clearly different.

JabberJabberJay · 01/11/2014 14:09

I'm astounded that Dowser is suggesting he is referred for sex therapy. Really? REALLY? He doesn't like oral. He's been upfront about it. He doesn't need therapy, he needs a partner who respects his boundaries.

If a bloke posted on MN saying he was upset because his GF wouldn't give him a blowjob, I highly doubt anyone should suggest she needed therapy.

carlsonrichards · 01/11/2014 14:11

OMG! Can you imagine the hue and cry if a woman came on here, said she did not like giving head, and people suggested she go for sex counselling, try doing it with a condom, that she needed Relate and had confidence issues, that it was all in her mind and she needed to get over it to please him if she loves him.

He doesn't like it. It's a big part of what she likes. Time to move on that waste more time on this non-starter.

'Thank you for being honest. Oral is a big part of how I derive pleasure from sex, so it looks like we both need to find someone else who is more sexually compatible with what we want and need. Nice knowing you.'