new partner not keen on giving oral, not sure how to handle it

[bitembarrassed3]

hi am a bit embarrassed about this not sure if its tmi. anyway been seeing a new guy he seems nice very kind and thoughtful. we have gotten closer but when chatting about stuff we like etc he said he wasn't a fan of giving oral as it made him feel like gagging and uncomfortable. this was a bit of a surprise as previous guys have all been ok with it and its always been a big part of what I like.

obviously he doesn't mind if I do it to him but is quite firm about not being keen. he hasn't said never but the thing is I don't want him to be uncomfortable and I think if it was other way round he would drop it. I suggested he could try and practice but I don't think he will. also purely selfishly if he hasn't done a lot of it he is unlikely to know what to do down there anyway.

its just that has always been the main way I have ahem enjoyed myself. its not that other stuff isn't good but its just that is so much better

so I guess am asking should I just accept that it wont happen with him or is there a nice way of encouraging it. I do feel selfish but I do find it unusual as not come across it before

If I'm honest, I think the likely gaping abyss between a man's level of enjoyment and a woman's level of enjoyment during the standard penis-in-vagina part of sex means that a woman enjoying receiving oral and not getting it is a bigger issue than a man enjoying receiving oral and not getting it.

One has a rather simple solution to the issue of getting off in a wholly satisfactory manner, the other perhaps not so much.

That's just a reply to bendybrick (and maybe some others I've forgotten) mainly.

Giving someone a chance implies they will come around and somehow enjoy a sexual practice they decided they don't like.

If buggering women were a big part of how your husband enjoys sex, Ginger, and you hadn't come around, he would have ended up very frustrated.

Not fair on either party.

What 5mad things said pretty much exactly.

I would be open and honest and say that you enjoy it and will miss it - and then see how you want to proceed from there.

Also, while I am fully behind respecting someone's choices, DH and I have been together for over a decade. We're still trying new stuff - things we hadn't tried before (separately or together) because we are I've and trust each other more now than we did in the beginning.

But if there had been pressure to do something either one of us was opposed to then it wouldn't have been sexy or appealing at all. It has to come naturally.

This is basically a simple sexual compatibility issue and nothing more.

It's no different from any other sexual preference.

If he says "it makes him feel like gagging" - gagging is a very strong word. It suggests he finds it utterly repulsive. I agree with the suggestion of exploring what the issue is (taste) etc but really if you really enjoy it and it is a sexual priority for you, you are probably wasting your time with this partner.

The great likelihood is that you are incompatible. End of.

It's just personal preference. To put it another way, say the only way a woman could come was on top and her partner refused to have sex like that because it really didn't turn him on - there is no point in having a debate about it. The best you will get is someone "making an effort" to do something they really don't like; you know they really don't like it and that is the ultimate passion killer anyway. Both of them would be better off with people who liked what they liked - or at least didn't find it repulsive.

What's enjoyable in bed can change as you get older, and if you have a new partner. I had a fixed idea of what I liked in bed based on how things were with my ex. I assumed i would feel the same way about sex with my new partner. I was wrong. I enjoy different things now, and I'm glad. How long have you been seeing him? Give yourselves a while to see how sex develops between you... You may find other things than oral become as pleasurable! Or not. But don't assume your sexuality is fixed.

I can see the other side, as I've had vaginismus (not to the extent I couldn't have penetrative sex but it could be uncomfortable or sometimes downright painful). If anyone had dumped me because of it I would have been gutted. Although I suppose it's a bit different in that I wanted to have penetrative sex and I knew it was very important to my partner so we worked hard to try and overcome it. I guess that's why I feel so strongly on how important oral sex is to me, as at the beginning I found PIV sex very painful so we had to resort to other means and would have been stuffed without it.

I think if this guy's not even willing to give it a go, which he's rightfully entitled to feel, knowing how important it is to you and you feeling it's very important to you then I think it's a non-starter unfortunately. I'd feel uncomfortable having to having to twist his arm to do it knowing he clearly finds it disgusting.

and would have been stuffed without it.

Well... in a manner of speaking.

More seriously though, vaginismus is a medical condition that is potentially capable of resolution.

The issue here is a personal preference that someone (it sounds like) finds repelling. If eating Marmite makes someone vomit, you are never going to be able to persuade them to like the taste. They just don't like it. If eating Marmite together is important to you, find someone who loves it as much as you do.