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Relationships

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Original poster

new partner not keen on giving oral, not sure how to handle it

58 replies

bitembarrassed3 · 01/11/2014 13:24

hi am a bit embarrassed about this not sure if its tmi. anyway been seeing a new guy he seems nice very kind and thoughtful. we have gotten closer but when chatting about stuff we like etc he said he wasn't a fan of giving oral as it made him feel like gagging and uncomfortable. this was a bit of a surprise as previous guys have all been ok with it and its always been a big part of what I like.

obviously he doesn't mind if I do it to him but is quite firm about not being keen. he hasn't said never but the thing is I don't want him to be uncomfortable and I think if it was other way round he would drop it. I suggested he could try and practice but I don't think he will. also purely selfishly if he hasn't done a lot of it he is unlikely to know what to do down there anyway.

its just that has always been the main way I have ahem enjoyed myself. its not that other stuff isn't good but its just that is so much better

so I guess am asking should I just accept that it wont happen with him or is there a nice way of encouraging it. I do feel selfish but I do find it unusual as not come across it before

OP posts:

StUmbrageinSkelt · 01/11/2014 14:12

Sex therapy for something he doesn't want to do? And doesn't see as a problem? Good lord.

It's not all in his mind, it's a sexual preference which he doesn't need to do therapy about.

WorraLiberty · 01/11/2014 14:13

If the situation was reversed, I'm quite sure some people would be saying "Oh poor menz, their cocks will drop off because no-ones sucking them"....

Not, "Get on your knees and practise"

SanityClause · 01/11/2014 14:14

I don't think there's much more to be said, after what MrsDmitri said in her first post.

If he doesn't want to do oral, you don't get to coerce, or cajole.

What's more important to you? Him, or oral sex? Can you imagine staying together with him, and never having oral sex for the next 20, 30, 40 whatever years? How much does that matter to you? (Only you can answer this, obviously, and there's no need to publish the results of your deliberations with MN, if you don't want to!)

Darkesteyes · 01/11/2014 14:21

carlsonrichards Sat 01-Nov-14 14:11:22
OMG! Can you imagine the hue and cry if a woman came on here, said she did not like giving head, and people suggested she go for sex counselling, try doing it with a condom, that she needed Relate and had confidence issues, that it was all in her mind and she needed to get over it to please him if she loves him.

Thing is a woman who didnt like giving oral would probably be less likely to expect it in return unlike the OPs new partner!

GingerCuddleMonster · 01/11/2014 14:22

The only advice I would give is, drop the subject. Don't dump him (yet) I say this because I was never comfortable with a certain sexual act and had refused to do it even with ex husband. I met DP again the conversation came around I said No didn't like it, won't be doing it. he said ok no problem over the next few months our relationship developed and well I played my cards, I did that one sexual act I thought I would never do and had refused to do with anyone else (even a man I'd married) turns out I just needed to be comfortable, and trust that person fully, obviously something I had never subconsciously done before.

so I say never say never, just see how things go if in a few weeks/months you realise he's never going to do it review the situation then. Don't rush in to the decision.

yeah some.of you have probably guessed what it is haha

WorraLiberty · 01/11/2014 14:27

Thing is a woman who didnt like giving oral would probably be less likely to expect it in return unlike the OPs new partner!

Where has the OP said he expects it?

She said he doesn't mind if she does it to him...not that he expects her to.

In fact 'I don't mind' suggests to me that he may not be bothered one way or another.

carlsonrichards · 01/11/2014 14:40

It was anal, Ginger, you can say that here.

Thing is, holding out in the hopes that someone will change their mind is again disrespectful, it assumes he/she just hasn't found the right person and may lead to much greater frustration when the other person doesn't come around and the OP finds herself sexually frustrated.

HelloItsMeFell · 01/11/2014 14:41

Exactly Worra.

This is one of those threads where the reverse situation and the likely responses it would receive would be NO COMPARISON WHATSOEVER to what is being said on this one.

HelloItsMeFell · 01/11/2014 14:43

Thing is a woman who didnt like giving oral would probably be less likely to expect it in return unlike the OPs new partner!

How on earth do you know? How can you generalise about something like that?

carlsonrichards · 01/11/2014 14:44

And no matter how much you love and trust someone, some people are just never going to want a man's dick up their arse.

PercyHorse · 01/11/2014 14:50

Walk away.

GingerCuddleMonster · 01/11/2014 14:56

I don't know, maybe it's just me who thinks it's a bit mean to dump someone the moment they say no to something, and not give them a. chance to either come around to the idea themself without any coercion or see if perhaps they are better at another sexual act that serves the same purpose, at the end of the day if all you want to do is orgasm let the man attempt another way.

all I'd say is give a man a chance, maybe he's crap at oral but great with his fingers .

NoArmaniNoPunani · 01/11/2014 14:57

This would be a deal breaker for me. Oral is the best bit for me.

Guiltypleasures001 · 01/11/2014 14:59

Hi op

Your ex made you feel,like you would never be desired by another man this point you have proved is false, but also it does not mean you owe anyone who does a debt of gratitude.

You are not obligated to stay with anyone who does not 100% fulfil your needs or desires, don't make the mistake of settling for the first guy who shows you kindness if it isn't quite enough for you.

Your allowed to have and make your own choices now, allow yourself the permission to do this

5madthings · 01/11/2014 15:05

Well you can talk about it and I guess the dental dam may be an option if it's taste he doesn't like but tbh if he doesn't want to do it then that's it, end of.

You can't coerce or pressure him into it,

In my relationship its the other way round, dp is happy to perform but I don't like to give oral sex. Bad experience in my past. I will do it but have to be really in the mood so it's rarely. I have felt bad that dp gives it way more than he receives and he has categorically said it is not a problem, he doesn't want me doing anything I don't like/am not comfortable with. He also said he wouldn't be able to enjoy a blow job if he knew I didn't want to be doing it. For sex to be fun and enjoyable both parties have to be up for it.

So I guess you have to decide if you like him enough to get over this. There are plenty of other ways he can pleasure you.

muddylettuce · 01/11/2014 15:07

My dp told me HE didn't like receiving oral when we first met. I was a bit but secretly thinking as its not my favourite things to do. Anyway, things developed and one night I tried it out as I wanted to do something for him and he loved it! Now he is more likely to moan he doesn't get it enough. Point is, it's early days, if things develop further between you he might try it out. Maybe let him know you like it but don't pressure him. X

Golferman · 01/11/2014 15:11

Not all men like receiving oral, I don't as my cock gets too sensitive. I'd rather give oral than receive any day. Used to think I was weird as it seemed everyman wants it.

Diagonally · 01/11/2014 15:17

It wouldn't be an issue for me as oral does very little for me and I wouldn't miss it. Point is, its just a compatibility issue.

He doesn't have to do it, and you don't have to partner up with someone who doesn't want to.

I've never met a man who didn't, actually, so I don't think there's too much risk in moving on from this guy if you can't see a way past it.

cindydog · 01/11/2014 15:19

A dental dam. The poor frigger does not want to stick his head down there and perform. Personally find oral sex repulsive,both giving and receiving and refuse to do it.

Original poster

bitembarrassed3 · 01/11/2014 15:20

Wow thanks for all the replies lots to think about. I just guess I feel a bit lost as after being in an abusive situation its so nice to be treated with kindness that I find it hard to be too demanding.

I like the give it time approach perhaps as we become more comfortable it could be an option and if not then I guess will have to think again

really appreciate all thoughts

OP posts:

Pandora37 · 01/11/2014 15:21

I may be shallow but this would be a deal breaker for me. I just couldn't fathom being in a relationship where oral sex would never be on the cards. Like you, it's one of the main ways I get off and I think it would cause a lot of resentment over time. Actually it works both ways, if a man told me he didn't like receiving oral sex I wouldn't be very impressed either as I really enjoy giving it. The fact he's quite firm about it, well I wouldn't stick around in the hope he'd change his mind. I don't think I'd be able to hide my crushing disappointment .

I'm not interested in having anal sex, and if I met a man who told me he loves anal and it's the main way he gets off then I wouldn't continue the relationship as I don't think it would be fair to either of us. Sexual incompatibility is a major issue and it's really okay to dump this man over this, no matter how nice and kind he is. If you think you can live without it and his other traits make up for it then fine but I know I wouldn't be able to hack it and I'd crack eventually.

SoloCatherineWheelsOnAllPosts · 01/11/2014 15:22

I was at the telephone conversation point of online dating about 11 years ago and was just getting to the point of meeting up. We were having a "things you do/don't like" convo and he said "I don't give women oral, I don't like it".

That was our last conversation.

Hope he found happiness.

magoria · 01/11/2014 16:13

I dated a guy for 9 months and he may the most gross ug face when I suggested it.

I wouldn't force a man who didn't like to do it.

But I would walk away from the relationship. I like it too much to go without.

bendybrickpumpkinpatch · 01/11/2014 16:21

Wow amazing responses on here.

I don't give my dh oral because I don't like it. He would like it if I did but hasn't ended the relationship over it !!

Perhaps I should just practice !!

GingerCuddleMonster · 01/11/2014 16:34

to be fair if DP had dumped me just becaue I didn't want to try the backdoor I wouldnt have a beautiful baby sleeping in a bouncy chair infront of me .

I'm glad he "compromised" and gave me a chance.

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