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Original poster

Fiancés stag do nervous of him cheating

102 replies

HopefulSmile14 · 31/10/2014 14:20

My partner has gone to Cardiff for the weekend with the LADS I'm so scared of him cheating and breaking my heart I can't stop thinking about it I've got a long shift a head of me tomorrow and don't know how I'm going to cope thinking that he is in bed or kissing another woman the reason I'm like this is when we first met he had a girlfriend he didn't tell me I was oblivious to this and when I found out I cut contact with him but could not get him out my head so when he did finally text me again we ended up getting back together at this point he was single and with in 2weeks we were engaged 9months down the line and I'm still feeling like this wedding is booked for valentines day what do I do :(

OP posts:
Original poster
HopefulSmile14 · 31/10/2014 14:39

And he is having his stag do now because we have a lot to pay out before the wedding right now we are ok financial cone December/January finances will be a struggle

OP posts:
Mammanat222 · 31/10/2014 14:39

My BIL was a bit of a scally in his younger years (until he met his current partner actually) but I still trusted my OH to go on a 2 week vacation with his brother. In-fact they've been away a few times!

Being a cheat isn't catching you know? You cannot control / influence someone into cheating on their partner.

Original poster
HopefulSmile14 · 31/10/2014 14:41

Well only time will tell when he comes back Sunday

OP posts:
Nomama · 31/10/2014 14:42

Hopeful whatever the tone of voice in the previous posts there is a common thread... if you feel so bereft at the thought of him cheating on his stag do you really are not in the right frame of mind to get married.

Either you are not confident enough in yourself, his treating you like a princess feels like a smoke screen, his never leaving you, constantly telling you he loves you feels smothering, somewhere deep down you can't reconcile the beginning of your relationship WHATEVER... it doesn't really matter. You should not feel like that so close to your wedding day.

That is not 'cold feet' or 'pre-wedding jitters' that is self flagellation and fear!

Pull the plug on it. If he loves you he will wait and let you work it all through and can lose this very destructive fear.

Good luck.

Drumdrum60 · 31/10/2014 14:45

I would not marry any man who goes on leery stag dos. TBH you can do better than that. You sound like you think you have no control over anything.
Stop bothering what he's doing it's not worth it. Do not marry him. You are young so don't accept anything less than what makes you happy.

Original poster
HopefulSmile14 · 31/10/2014 14:46

Your right I have no confidence at all I don't feel I'm good enough for him I feel he can get someone prettier and better than me so maybe it's just my mind that's acting like this, we both was in a violent relationship before we met we were both in the wrong place we met through friends on a night out and that's how it started

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 31/10/2014 14:46

Being a cheat isn't catching you know? You cannot control / influence someone into cheating on their partner.

That is true. But getting out-of-control drunk can be "catching" if a man has a weak sense of self and wants to be "in" with his gang. Peer pressure is powerful.

& men do all kinds of dumb stuff when they are really drunk that they might not otherwise do - especially on stags. I'm not really talking about "cheating" more - strippers/lap dancing etc - type stuff.

RainyLion · 31/10/2014 14:47

How old are you both, you sound quite young?
There is no way you should marry someone that you don't trust.

CheersMedea · 31/10/2014 14:49

Your right I have no confidence at all I don't feel I'm good enough for him I feel he can get someone prettier and better than me so

This is a BAD basis for a relationship. Women who start off in that mindset off end up being abused - the mentality is "I must keep this prize; I can't complain about his bad treatment; I will put up with whatever sh*t he throws at me".

He should be making you feel like he is lucky to have you. It doesn't sound like he is making you feel like that at all.

theonlygothinthevillage · 31/10/2014 14:50

I came here to say what I see everyone else is already saying - why are you marrying him if you think he might cheat? Do you think you'll feel any more secure after 20 years of marriage, or when you have kids and life is a bit of a slog, or when you're struggling to shift the baby weight, or when you start to look old and wrinkly?

I'm not being horrible here - I'm trying to point out that if you feel insecure now, when everything is supposed to smell of roses, you're going to feel even worse once the honeymood period is over. Please think carefully before getting married.

Lorelei353 · 31/10/2014 14:53

If you don't trust him, don't marry him.

Also you mentioned that 'he wanted me to be all his' which is an oddly controlling and jealous thing to say. He wants you to be all his but you can't trust him to be faithful to you?

Between that and the fact that you don't think you're good enough for him, this relationship is moving way, way too fast for you.

Original poster
HopefulSmile14 · 31/10/2014 14:56

I'm in the middle of sorting my life out at the moment i was really confident an till I had a late miscarriage and in a abusive relationship I was happy comfortable with who I was till I lost my baby then my life when right down that hill I've just got myself my dream job and I am getting happier just this weekend away really paranoid me he is constantly reassuring me that when he cheated he was in a bad place and wanted out of his relationship he admitted to his ex girlfriend and he left her and moved into his own house then when we started talking again it felt as if nothing had changed between us to me it was the lying that has made me not trust him shouldn't I feel happy that he cheated with me?

OP posts:
Lorelei353 · 31/10/2014 15:00

You clearly need more time to come to terms with your past and also the start of this relationship. There's no rush. A strong, healthy relationship needs space to develop and grow. If you're not there yet that's totally fine, but please don't commit if that's the case.

Original poster
HopefulSmile14 · 31/10/2014 15:03

We are quite a strong couple we never argue we're more like friends we are totally the same we do everything together simply because our hobbies are the same we enjoy each other's company we can't go 10minutes without talking our conversations never run dry

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 31/10/2014 15:03

If he's going to cheat he doesn't need to be on a stag do to do it - he already proved that by cheating on his ex with you

He doesn't need anyone to be a bad influence on him to cheat, as above he decided to cheat before of his own free will and he's a grown man who can make his own choices

You don't trust him anyway so don't marry him, you're making a big mistake but you can make a better choice if you want to

If you do marry him you'll feel like this every single time he's not with you for the rest of your life, what's the point??

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/10/2014 15:04

I'm sorry your life has had a lot of sadness already but allowing yourself to be rushed into marriage when you haven't had chance to draw breath is not the way to make life better.

He may say he loves you but he has a weak character, is easily led and has low standards. If he goes looking for women when he's in a 'bad place' it's only a matter of time before he's in another bad place. So you're right not to trust him.

Nomama · 31/10/2014 15:10

We are quite a strong couple we never argue

Maybe you both take great care not to say anything too controversial

we're more like friends

Oops. Are you each other's safety net?

we are totally the same

No you are not... he is off on a stag do enjoying himself, you are eaten up by fear.

we do everything together simply because our hobbies are the same we enjoy each other's company we can't go 10minutes without talking our conversations never run dry

And that means you are isolated, separated from doing things for you and you only - did you have a hen night?

I am really not trying to paint him as a bad person. He may well be acting to protect you, to keep you from harm. But you really do sound as though he has become the centre of your world and the mere idea of losing him for a moment is scaring you.

Neither of you deserve that kind of pressure... you have to sort this out before you make any commitments.

Original poster
HopefulSmile14 · 31/10/2014 15:13

I asked to post pone the wedding he got emotional and started crying saying he didn't wanna wait

OP posts:
BuilderMammy · 31/10/2014 15:15

shouldn't I feel happy that he cheated with me?
No. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat with someone else. This man is not worth spending your life with. You need to be with someone you trust completely. You can't spend the rest of your life feeling like this every time he's out of your sight.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/10/2014 15:19

Crying to get what he wanted? Ignoring your wishes? Very manipulative.

Nomama · 31/10/2014 15:20

OK! So, he cried at you to make the bad stuff go away?

Whatever you do next, make it something you do for yourself, something you want to do not from fear of something.

Personally, crying at me and not wanting to wait is a large and loud shout: at best, he is as insecure as you are and neither of you are making good decisions.

CheersMedea · 31/10/2014 15:24

shouldn't I feel happy that he cheated with me?

Absolutely NOT.

It is a mark of character. Cheating is cheating. It's like that old line a man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy.

I have to say that the fact that you even ask that beams out your low self esteem like a beacon in the night. What "you are lucky to have him because he picked you as the one to cheat with"?

GoatsDoRoam · 31/10/2014 15:42

I asked to post pone the wedding

Then postpone the wedding.
It's what you want.
You are allowed to have your own wants and needs.
Especially about something as huge as the timing of your own marriage.
Do not let someone ride over your own clearly drawn lines.
He can't marry you in February if you do not agree to it.

Your voice does matter, OP.

jb91xx · 31/10/2014 15:51

You say how much you love him you don't have to marry him to prove that if he feels the same way he should respect your wishes and wait

Dowser · 31/10/2014 16:00

I'd love to see the pair of you jack your jobs in and go travelling the world. Set off in opposite directions and meet up back home in a years time.

If you are still crazy about one another and have grown up in the meanwhile then go for it.

I feel that the two of you are settling down far too soon.

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