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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What should I do?

66 replies

LilyPotter · 28/10/2014 12:35

Best friend has a partner I can't stick.
We were there at the weekend and he got very drunk (not unusual) and was obnoxious and aggressive at dinner.
Later on, after everyone had retired to bed, I was on my way to the bathroom and heard her whimpering from their bedroom and saying "ow, ow." Shortly afterwards, dh went to the bathroom and there was a nasty row going on, with my friend very distressed and crying and partner being very verbally aggressive and calling her a liar and "I'm glad it hurt."

What on earth do I do? She's confided in me before now about the relationship, but this is worse than I thought. Could I be jumping to conclusions? She knows I'm "there for her," but I can't sleep for worry about this latest development.

OP posts:
ARGHtoAHHH · 28/10/2014 12:51

Oh god that sounds horrible.

If it were me, I would have to say something to my friend. I would have to say what I had heard and tell her what I thought of him.

This may not be the best thing to do however, as she may stop confiding in you.

Its a really difficult one but I know myself, I couldn't not tell her what I thought. I would tell her I was going to be there for her whenever she wants my help, but that I couldn't accept their relationship.

I am sure someone wiser than I will come along to advise.

Good luck Flowers

Itsfab · 28/10/2014 12:56

Do you really think you are jumping to conclusions?

You have to make her understand no matter what he thinks she did she DID NOT deserve to be hit and he should be getting a visit from the police.

Only say you are there for her if you truly are and spell out exactly what help you can give her - money for a B&B, a place to stay at yours, going to the police with her etc etc.

heyday · 28/10/2014 13:01

She is an adult and may not appreciate you interfering in her life but you could just fairly casually ask her if everything is ok as she was heard arguing with her bloke. If she says yes, I am fine then you have no choice but to step back and stay out of it. She may on the otherhand confide in you and you need to be prepared for either scenario.
Who knows what is going on in their personal relationship. She needs to know again that you are there for her but she may not want to admit to what is happening, either now or ever. Just be a good friend, let her know that you care and let her try and find her way through this difficult situation.

Original poster
LilyPotter · 28/10/2014 13:04

I don't know that he did hit her. Am wondering though if it could be a more innocent explanation in that he, oh I don't know, maybe was undoing her necklace and caught her hair??? Unlikely in the general context, but am clutching at straws.
She doesn't need money or a place to stay. Her house - v. wealthy. She could kick him out tomorrow, but I suspect she won't.
(Appreciate your responses - had name-change fail though so have asked to disappear. Will be back later though!)

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heyday · 28/10/2014 13:07

If you type in domestic violence in the search part of mumsnet there is a really good page entitled How to support a woman experiencing domestic violence and it has some really good advice

Original poster
LilyPotter · 28/10/2014 13:11

Thank you. Will do that now.
She wants to 'fix him,' but he's way beyond that in my view. She's the strongest person I know, so I don't get it at all, although I gather it's not that unusual.

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ImperialBlether · 28/10/2014 13:11

Sounds more like he was doing something like twisting her arm. How awful to hear her. I would've been tempted to call out to ask whether she was OK, though.

Why do you think she will continue with the relationship? It seems so hard to understand when you're outside, doesn't it?

Original poster
LilyPotter · 28/10/2014 13:16

She's besotted. Strong physical attraction, and she doesn't want to be alone. She has a very successful career, 4 gorgeous kids (not his) and is supporting them all. He's a complete waster and doesn't work.

I felt dreadful, hiding in the bathroom like a coward, shaking in fear on her behalf. But how could I go into/approach their bedroom and interfere? I think she would have felt even worse.

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Bidingmytime07 · 28/10/2014 13:16

I've no great advice here, but a friend of mine is in an abusive relationship. A mutual friend has made it clear exactly what she thinks of the man, and now my friend tells the mutual friend nothing. She also puts a good spin on the relationship after some unpleasant things. I am now the only person who hears the truth of the matter, when she's feeling truthful. I feel that at the moment I have no choice but to tread very carefully with what I say, otherwise she will clam up with me. During a text chat about him recently she mentioned two episodes of violence from him. When I used the words DV she changed the subject. She is clearly not ready to face this fact, so for the moment I am just watching the situation.

As I said, I have no answers......

Original poster
LilyPotter · 28/10/2014 13:17

Arm-twisting sounds plausible - she broke her wrist not long ago, so it wouldn't take much.

Oh God.... a thought has struck me....

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Bidingmytime07 · 28/10/2014 13:19

She wants to 'fix him,' but he's way beyond that in my view.

Same in my friend's case

Bidingmytime07 · 28/10/2014 13:24

Marking my place so I can see advice re my friend's situation. Will look at that DV advice someone mentioned upthread.

Mammanat222 · 28/10/2014 13:26

Depends on how much of a good friend she is but if I'd overheard this with any of my dear friends I'd have been banging on the door!!

As someone else suggested ask her is everything is OK, tell her what you heard (and what you believe to have happened) and if she still isn't wiling to admit / discuss it then leave it open for her.

I am assuming there are no kids involved? Does he live with her? Is she in a position to leave / kick him out?

Anniegetyourgun · 28/10/2014 13:35

Strong women are used to being able to fix things, and don't give up easily. Sometimes it's harder for a strong woman to admit there's something she can't fix - it's like admitting to being weak (even though it isn't really weak at all). She probably perceives that she gives as good as she gets. And is probably wrong.

Original poster
LilyPotter · 28/10/2014 13:40

She has older kids (mid-teens and university). He moved in with her around 4 years ago. She's in a very strong position financially.

We had a chat the next morning, and I was quite blunt about her needing to "do something about this" but wimped out stopped short of saying what I'd actually heard. Am considering starting up the conversation again though, but as someone else has said, I run the risk of her stopping confiding in me.

And yes, she is a very good and very old friend (40 years +), but that doesn't make it any easier, or right, to barge into her bedroom in the middle of the night.

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 28/10/2014 13:51

It's a real dilemma for you because as pp have said, you won't want to lose her trust.
I'm not sure what the protocol is and maybe other posters could clarify it but is there any way you could inform the police of your concerns?
I know you'd feel like you're betraying her but at least something would be on record. Or would the police only take notice of the person directly involved?

Original poster
LilyPotter · 28/10/2014 13:56

No, I really wouldn't involve the police. That seems like an over-reaction at this point, and would be a huge betrayal of her trust.

My biggest issue at the moment is when/how/whether to bring it up directly with her. She has a huge support network of family and friends, and it seems that we all feel the same way about him - not sure if anyone else suspects this latest thing though. I don't want to be gossiping about it, either.

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neiljames77 · 28/10/2014 14:03

I think you might have to run the risk of her telling you to keep your nose out. It's down to how you word it really. You might want to tell her to kick his wasting arse out but you'll just have to keep the conversation on her welfare and your concern for her as a dear friend.

Original poster
LilyPotter · 28/10/2014 14:09

I've done that already. She concedes it's all a mess, but we haven't mentioned physical aggression yet. She makes lots of excuses for him, but I'm afraid I've said I couldn't care less about his "hard" life, (which is extremely privileged, compared to most) and that he needs to get over it.
Her siblings are ready to bring it up, but I don't want them to do so just on my account of this weekend. We've kind of agreed that I will deal with it.

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SweetErmengarde · 28/10/2014 14:17

I would be absolutely straightforward with her and tell her what you heard.

If she minimises it, ask her what she would think if it were you.

CheersMedea · 28/10/2014 14:17

I was on my way to the bathroom and heard her whimpering from their bedroom and saying "ow, ow." Shortly afterwards, dh went to the bathroom and there was a nasty row going on, with my friend very distressed and crying and partner being very verbally aggressive and calling her a liar and "I'm glad it hurt."

I think I would just say to your friend you want to talk to her about something. Sit her down, privately, tell her the bare facts as above without any pejorative commentary. Just state what you heard.

So for example don't say "a NASTY row" just say "I hear what sounded like arguing". Stick to bare facts with no added description or input of your inferences . Eg. I heard him say "I'm glad it hurt". etc.

Don't make any comments at all. Stick to facts. Conclude by saying "I wasn't going to mention this at all but it's been playing on my mind. Is everything OK?"

And then stop. See what she says.

Then (whatever she says) make it clear that you are there for her. Again without any pejorative comment.

You just don't know what is going on here. It could have been some BDSM role play for all you know. Or a one off. Or it may be something she doesn't want to talk about, which is within her rights.

Chrissy41 · 28/10/2014 14:22

oh dear - I think you are being a lovely friend. I hope she will confide in you. Do you think he broke her wrist? :(

Original poster
LilyPotter · 28/10/2014 14:23

Yes,medea I think that's a sensible approach.

Although I think it the role-play thing unlikely - it was less than 5 minutes after she and I had come upstairs from a late-night chat (after a furious prompt from him).

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neiljames77 · 28/10/2014 14:24

I don't think there's any harm in saying, "during your row, I heard you saying 'ow' a couple of times. Has he hurt you? "
If she denies it, I don't know what else you can do really.

Original poster
LilyPotter · 28/10/2014 14:27

I've just realised I don't really know the circumstances of how she did it. Thinking about it, she was quite vague. I bored the pants off everyone with the details when I broke my leg last year. She made quite a deal of how brilliant he was being about helping her after the event though.

But this is pure supposition.

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