What should I do?

[LilyPotter]

Best friend has a partner I can't stick.
We were there at the weekend and he got very drunk (not unusual) and was obnoxious and aggressive at dinner.
Later on, after everyone had retired to bed, I was on my way to the bathroom and heard her whimpering from their bedroom and saying "ow, ow." Shortly afterwards, dh went to the bathroom and there was a nasty row going on, with my friend very distressed and crying and partner being very verbally aggressive and calling her a liar and "I'm glad it hurt."

What on earth do I do? She's confided in me before now about the relationship, but this is worse than I thought. Could I be jumping to conclusions? She knows I'm "there for her," but I can't sleep for worry about this latest development.

I really appreciate everyone's thoughts here. Have made a copy of them, as I've asked for thread to go. Meant to name-change but cocked it up! I will be back in a different incarnation though.

neiljames said what I have been thinking and I am disgusted that you think informing the police is an over reaction given he has already broken her wrist and was clearly hurting her that night.

You don't want to believe this is happening for whatever reason but either help or stop angsting about it as nothing is being gained here.

We absolutely do NOT know that he has broken her wrist! I said that she broke it and I am uncertain as to the exact circumstances. That does NOT mean he did it and I do think it would be unacceptable to inform the police on such flimsy supposition.
And for that matter, I do not know that he was physically abusing her this weekend. I think he might have been, and I will be seeing if I can find out anything further.

Sorry for confusion - name change has finally worked!

I agree with Neil and Medea, talk to her and leave space for her to talk rather than filling gaps with supposition. If she tells you to butt out, you might have to accept that but just let her know you're there if she needs you. You sound like a lovely friend trying to do the right thing, she clearly does need you.

Thank you cloggal.

Itsfab Of course I'm angsting about it on here - isn't that what MN is for? Getting some clarity and outside viewpoints on a difficult issue before rushing in with hobnail boots on? Plenty is being gained for me, thanks all the same.

If she seems to be dismissing you, it might be worth asking her how she'd react if she suspected one of her kids was in an abusive relationship.
I presume they don't know how he behaves towards their mum?
Lowlife shitbags like him are usually very careful to avoid an audience. If this is how he behaves within earshot of others, god knows what he's like when it's just the two of them.

Well, this is the thing - she maintains that things are much better when it's just the two of them, as "it's very stressful for him living with someone else's teens." Ought to add at this point that she has four of the loveliest kids going.
I've been wondering how much they've noticed - they're much too nice to complain in public about him, although reading between the lines, her dd has got his number all right.

I think I'd rather be up-front about the whole topic, rather than tiptoeing about dropping hints about DV with other people. She's not daft, she'd know what I was getting at.

I may have been harsh but I feel very strongly about DV and it frustrates me when it appears to be known about and nothing is done for whatever reason. I am glad other posters are helping you and I wish you friend the strength to leave. It is much about why people stay as why don't they leave.

Could you point her at MN?

I have a school gate friend who was describing what was clearly (to me) emotional abuse by her DH. Also, he had convinced her to move to this country after a whirlwind romance but had "changed" since they had children, didn't like her socialising and had a nice-nasty cycle. More red flags than a communist rally. She was wondering if it was cultural ishoos hence picked my brain (DH is English, I am not). Also school gates wasn't socialising he had to know about.

Another day we had coffee in school hours, she told me more stuff, but clearly felt that if he were an abuser then she would be a "victim". She's a strong independent woman and he's a troubled man etc. It was obvious she would close down if I pressed her because in her mind I would be pressing her to "be a victim". Tricky. Also I am not qualified to help someone through DV.

Instead, I talked to her about funny stuff I had read on the Internet and mentioned an MN thread about something. I think it was lemon drizzle cake murderer. I sent her the link later.

I am absolutely certain she stayed, lurked, read relationships etc. because after quite a short time she had stopped making excuses for him, stopped hiding his behaviour and stopped allowing his mum to trample over her privacy. She used the phrase "no is a complete sentence" when recounting how she had effectively kicked out the MIL who came in at all hours to interfere.

If I were the queen I would have purred.

Better without the kids yet she stays with him. I would find it hard to be with someone who didn't want my kids around .

Brilliant, jumpandtwist. How is your friend now?

We were on holiday in the Middle East a few years ago and I heard the same coming from the room next door except worse. He put the tv on at 2 in the morning to hide the noise. She ended up in tears, I didn't know what to do. I have never forgotten it. We got up in the morning and they had gone. They spoke Arabic so hadn't a clue what she was saying through sobs. I wanted to tell her to get out before he killed he.

Itsfab I too feel strongly about DV, but I have to have a bit more to go on. In fairness, this only came to my attention 2 days ago.

Re: his attitude towards the kids - he's very Jekyll & Hyde about them. Says quite harsh and rude things to/about them, but then blasts Mr Nice/Fun Guy at them. It's one of the reasons I don't like him to be honest. Even when he's blasting charm at people, I feel very uncomfortable and 'invaded.'

Jumpandtwist But then she might find this thread! . In fairness, she's very clued up about all things 'therapy.' Everyone goes to her for advice, me included! I think it's part of why she thinks she can fix him. Strangely, he's not denting her self-belief, which is as strong as ever. When he's patronising or belittling very often towards her, she shrugs it off as though he couldn't possibly have a point. Odd.

Why doesn't he work?
It's immaterial anyway really, he sounds like a complete turd.
He'll wear your friend down eventually despite how strong she may appear now. I think he is dangerous and the longer she stays with him, the worse it will get.
She'll probably start blaming herself soon for his actions.

Why doesn't he work? Apart from being a lazy arse, you mean? Oh, he's full of bright ideas, which never come to anything. Comes from a wealthy family, who have bank-rolled him over the years I think, and he's now frittering away an inheritance.

I'm guessing that he's intelligent but patronising, arrogant and condescending with it. Never wrong about anything either. Blames his failures on other people. Lacks patience with the slightest thing and sulks like a big kid.

Neil you're spot on I fear.
Lily, the Jekyll and Hyde thing only makes me more concerned. Stick with your friend even if she doesn't welcome your help at first, will you? Feel she might in the end, and you don't want her feeling too proud to ask.

Absolutely spot on, neil! Do you know him?!

She has welcomed my help over the last couple of years, but I've always waited for her to bring it up, rather than keep on saying "what's the latest or what's he done now?"

But she has great pride, yes, so it's a tricky one.

Doesn't appear to have any friends, either, which has always been another big red flag to me.

Has expensive habits too - which I presume she's funding.

Sheesh not an easy one.

Fond of big gestures as well - "look at me, aren't I generous?"

Damn it!!!! I forgot about the no friends bit. Always a classic that one.
Wouldn't surprise me if he's made suggestions that they should move away so she has no support network whatsoever.
Was he /is he close to his mummy?
Does she endulge him and excuse his pathetic personality?
Stick to her like a limpet, Lily.
Like I said before, he's dangerous and controlling.

Oh OP I don't know what to say but I'm so glad this woman has a friend like you. I wish you all the luck in the world with finding a way to be there for her - I'm sure you will.