What should I do?

[LilyPotter]

Best friend has a partner I can't stick.
We were there at the weekend and he got very drunk (not unusual) and was obnoxious and aggressive at dinner.
Later on, after everyone had retired to bed, I was on my way to the bathroom and heard her whimpering from their bedroom and saying "ow, ow." Shortly afterwards, dh went to the bathroom and there was a nasty row going on, with my friend very distressed and crying and partner being very verbally aggressive and calling her a liar and "I'm glad it hurt."

What on earth do I do? She's confided in me before now about the relationship, but this is worse than I thought. Could I be jumping to conclusions? She knows I'm "there for her," but I can't sleep for worry about this latest development.

Refers to his mother as 'mummy!' (and he's 50!!)
Father deceased but from all accounts was very unpleasant.

It's like a game of bingo.
HOUSE!!!!!!!!

You've all been so kind on here. Really appreciate it.

She won't move away, I know that. And he won't break her support network, although she has distanced herself slightly from what has always been a very close, talky-feely family, possibly because she's sensed they're wary of him. I've trodden a careful path so far, never overtly criticising him, although the gloves are off now.

None of us is going anywhere. We love her dearly.

As I say, she and I have been close friends for over 40 years. Often life (and 6 kids between us!) gets in the way and we can go weeks and weeks without contact, but she's one of very few people in the world who I would call in the middle of the night if I was in trouble and she'd jump in the car and drive the 80 miles to get to me. And vice versa.
Which is why I feel so bad about doing nothing on Saturday, even though she wasn't asking. But what could I have done???????

80 miles!??

Sorry if I was unfair

.

I don't want to make you feel bad Lily but I suspect a lot, if not most, posters on here would have stormed into the room and said, "you lay one f**king finger on her and I'll ring the police "

I totally understand you are in a position. Breaching boundaries might have made things worse. When are you going to be able to sit down and talk to her?

Nah, you weren't unfair, fab, it's an unpleasant situation all-round. And that looks fab too! Thanks.

Do you really think they would, Neil? I mean, it's an easy thing to say, particularly after the event, or from the safety of behind a computer screen, but really? In real life? People would burst into a couple's bedroom where they were having a row?

And re: sitting down and talking - it's going to have to be on the phone. Which is not ideal, I know, but Real Life (as in, her very-high-powered job, followed by her going away for a week) is not going to allow anything else short-term.

I know it's easy to say as an outsider and I'm sorry.
A row is one thing but it sounded like he was hurting her.
I do understand the dilemma you're in though and you have to handle this the best way you see fit. You know her (and him unfortunately) better than us.
Good luck. I hope things work out.

Lily if it's any consolation, no, I wouldn't have intervened either. I think I would have een sort of paralysed by fear / horror / indecision. And I don't think your friend would necessarily have welcomed it either

Often on MN everyone is very open to confrontation and wise on your behalf when in reality they would have done what you did when faced with that real life situation. Please don't berate yourself

Oh gosh, well we've spoken on the phone. She was at great pains to reassure me and said "no, no, of course not, you mustn't worry about that," when I specifically asked her if he'd ever hurt her.
But she also changed the subject several times to different aspects of their relationship, and there was a fair bit of excuse-making for his bad behaviour. She claimed not to remember why he was so cross after we went to bed, except to wonder if it might have been because he thought we were talking about him downstairs! Unlikely, as 18yo ds was with us but hey.

So, official verdict: inconclusive. The thing is, I don't believe her.

I can only watch and wait.

And make it clear to her that she shouldn't feel bad if your fears are confirmed, in case she feels guilty about dismissing your concern for her.

Oh Lily .
Worst outcome in some ways. What do you think her siblings will do now? I can only hope that she's processing all of this in her mind and just needs time to come to terms with it all - if she is successful, proud and so on she may find it hard to see herself as a 'victim'. (I'm sure we all do, but that may be a bigger mental block for her). What a sad state of affairs.
She is lucky to have a true friend. Well done for raising it directly.

I'm speaking to her brother later today. He is going down next week and will be on the alert I think.

She comes across as very philosophical about it all, and she certainly doesn't seem scared or cowed. Her attitude is more "yes, he's an arse and I really ought to kick him into touch" than anything else. She did acknowledge that she has probably normalised his bad behaviour, as she seemed almost surprised that I'd noticed things. I do think that she honestly feels she has the upper hand, almost as if she was dealing with a badly-behaved child.

Bizarrely, I do feel less worried about her now than yesterday. We left it that I trust her to do the right thing and to keep herself safe. She assured me she would and thanked me!

Powerful story on Loose Women at the moment.