Really struggling with my husband's decision to be sterilised, it's breaking my heart. Can anyone help?!!!

[MrsHelenBee]

I'm 37, married, and have 2 sons - 3 years and 5 months. DH is 41.
We met online - an online dating success story - 6 years ago, having both resigned ourselves to being single in the long term.
I love my DH, he is everything to me, and he has given me two beautiful boys, for which I will always be so lucky.
I've had severe SPD in both pregnancies, and had an awful, traumatic labour and birth first time around, so we didn;t think we'd have a second, but then I had some counselling and we went on a hypnotherapy course which made for a totally different birth experience and the feeling of horror and terror I had after DS1 was born, was replaced with a feeling of empowerment and the overwhelming feeling that I'd like to do it just one more time. It was always how I pictured myself, a mum of 3, and although I wouldn't be disappointed to have another boy, the chance to try for a daughter is something I've been dreaming of.
I didn't know I was going to feel like this, partly becuase I didn't think I'd get through a 2nd labour and birth until I actually did, but now I have the overhwelming desire to have just one more and complete our family. I dreamed of a husband and family for years, and I'm not ready to say goodbye to that part of my life, so with DH having made an appointment with the GP to do whatever is requied to arrange a vasectomy, I hurt like I can't believe.
H has his reasons, he feels too old to have another, doesn't wnat to see me struggle pyhsically with another preganacy and, right now, being maternity leave and existing on one salary means we're really tight on finances. They're all totally understandable reasons, and it's his body at the end of the day, so he is entitled to do whatever he thinks is right. He doesn't want any more children, it's as simple as that. So, why am I struggling so much to accept it and be ok with it. I can't stop him having a vasectomy, I know it's going to happen, but I'm getting increasingly distressed by the prospect that that part of my life is over, and I'm terrified I'm going to resent him. I must be incredibly selfish, I just can;t seem to find a way to be ok with it.
PLEASE, does anyone else know how I'm feeling? Will it get better soon?

Think of the planet. 2 kids is plenty. You can always adopt.

I think when your youngest is only 5 months it is very hard to say "I'm done" - I wonder why your dh is so convinced? Obviously there can be good financial reasons but is that the only reason? 41 isn't that old anymore! And at your age I hadn't even had my first yet. While of course you can't stop him, does he realise how much such a final decision might hurt you? Could you get him to agree to a postponement, until both of you have come to terms with it more?

How would adoption help, if her dh's reasons are to do with his age and their finances - those apply just as much with an adopted child!

Given that the OP mentions financial issues as one of the reasons for not having more children I'm not sure that's entirely helpful.

I'm sure that was just the sympathetic ear the OP was looking for Simon!

Did you discuss how many kids you wanted at the beginning or has it always been fluid?

My friend is going through similar at the moment and it has taken over her life. To be fair to her DH though he always said it would only be one and he compromised at that. She knew from the start what she was getting into.

There is an element of be thankful for what you have but you can't help the way you feel!

You have my sympathy even though my own views differ from yours. I am not really maternal though!

They wouldn't agree to DPs vasectomy until DD was 12 months. Not sure how far along you are, but could buy you some talking time if this is 'standard policy'?

That's pretty harsh, simontowers. And also missing the point.

What have you and dh said to each other when you've discussed it?

For all sorts of reasons I had agreed to stop after dc4 and was happy with that. I was still utterly overwhelmed with grief when I was sterilised when my youngest was 5 those feelings did get better - I just wasn't ready to say goodbye to the part of my life and start a new chapter. Put it this was I was crying in the pre-op room and the surgeon came out and I had to convince him to still go ahead with the op!!!!

Have there been other "endings" in your life that you've stuggled with accepting/coping with? There may other feelings mixed in with the end of your future childbearing that are making the feelings even more powerful?

REgardless I would go and have some counselling to help you process these feelings of grief so that you can move onto the next chapter of your life with a positive frame of mind.

You are not alone but they do pass, promise.

Sigh........he's asked me over and over again to make the GP appt, and I couldn't bring myself to do it, and kept making excuses (although with a small baby, it was easy to get inlvolved in the day and totally forget about it until the next time it came up). Last night, he made me promise to do it - I don't get why I had to do it, and it almost adds salt to the wound. But I've done it, so I guess I only have myself to blame. And now I hate myself but I wasn't getting anywhere when we talked about it.
The financial thing is where we're at now, because I'm not working, but that will change in the new year, and my work earns a pretty good salary too, so we'll be a lot less strapped than we are just now. His age is something he has every right to raise if that's how he feels, although it's me who's ALWAYS done the sleepless nights )as he never wakes up, even with the monitor on really high), and the physical thing to do with my body is just that: my body, not his.
Anyway, he doesn't want to discuss it, he knows I'm struggling but he's made his decision. He made it when I was pregnant, we never discussed it, and he started asking about appointments when DH was 6 weeks old. When it doesn't come up, I leave it that way as, at 6 weeks, I was too tired and emotional to be able to discuss it and I begged him to wait as I just wasn't ready to say goodbye to any chance of number 3. This evening, I've come to bed early as kept pushing why I didn't see his point of view, and I could feel myself getting emotional. We both know we're in different places, but I don't want to fight over what is, at the end of the day, the most amazing gift you can ever give your partner. I just can't bear the hurting and wish it would go. My best friend says it will get easier, and I desperately hope that's the case as it's eating me up inside. Good job no one can see how many tissues I'm getting through typing this.

I feel totally unreasonable to be feeling like I do, but my heart is screaming out similar words to your quietlysuggests
That said, we clearly want different things, are entitled to those feelings and we can't both win here. One of us has to accept we're not going to have what we want and I couldn't MAKE him give me another child. I'd never forgive myself.

Any permanent contraception methods (sterilisation / vasectomy) should never be a sole decision in a couple. How selfish.

Just like the decision to have a child, the decision to never have anymore should always be a joint decision.

he's asked me over and over again to make the GP apt

Is this for real?

Dubious as to why he wouldn't make this appointment himself, given the situation.

I hope this isn't a thread written just to gain reaction.

I think we were both so shocked we found each other when we were both so convinced we'd been left on the shelf for various reasons. If we were destined to be single, the family topic was never going to become a reality. Added to which, I was told I may not be bale to have children, so were just blissfully we'd found each other. Family just seemd too good to br true, and then I VERY unexpectedly fell pregnant on our honeymoon. We were married, moved house and had a baby in little over 9 months, and were again so caught up in the huge events we'd experienced, we couldn't believe how lucky we were. Then the awful labour and birth made us both convinced, irrespective of age, finances, anything, that we could never have another. I don't think I ever got around to having the conversation of what an ideal would have been. He looks at me like I'm nuts for wanting a 3rd.

Gain reaction?!!!!
No, it's just me spilling my heart out, and it's all coming out in a huge jumble. I didn't plan to post, nor have I proof-read anything I've typed to consider how people might react. I was just saying it how it is.

Are you able to go on hormonal or other reliable contraception for 6m and he can double up with condoms if he wants?

Just to give you more time to let feelings settle, maybe get back to work.

I just really feel for you. You 3rd dc was incredibly difficult (one of the worst times of my life - it was just awful) and I was desperate for a 4th to have "happy" memories of babyhood.

Dp didn't want a 4th (can't say I blame him because it is a lot of work) I finally told him that I didn't think I could stay with him if he wouldn't agree to it as it meant so much to me. I really was prepared to leave him for my denying something I so desperately wanted. Rightly or wrongly he agreed to dc4 but it was to be the last which I agreed to. The feelings of just one more were still there even after dc4 just as strong.

Those feelings are just incredibly powerful and your dh is letting you down by not supporting you emotionally whilst you come to terms with it all.

I know how you feel. After our DD2 we were strongly advised not to have any further children for reasons of my health. DH offered to have the snip at this point (he absolutely did not want any more kids) but I then had a Mirena to delay any more permanent decision. I didn't get on with it at all - it was awful, in fact I have never got on with any hormonal contraception.

So DH made the appointment and had the op. I was devastated for a while.

But now that I'm past the broody stage & no longer want any more there are some huge benefits, mostly me never having to worry about contraception ever again! It is fabulous.

I know it probably doesn't help now, but you might appreciate it some time in the future.

By the way I disagree with PP that it isn't entirely the DH's decision. It is. I make my own choices for my body & I would resent anyone telling me I needed to consult anyone else.

I'm on the Pill, have been for months, and given we haven't actually had sex since I became pregnant, I'd say the level of risk couldn't get much lower. I have no sex drive because of it - is that odd? - but I don't want to even entertain the thought that he might not trust me to take my pills on the offchance something might happen.
I still have a counsellor from after the birth of my first son as I had terrible PND and PTSD. I had a year of therapy before we tried for a 2nd child. Anyway, I guess all this is academic now. I just feel so utterly saddened by the whole thing and didn't know where to turn.

I wouldn't be happy about this, not at all, the lack of discussion, the unilateral action, in fact I'd tell him where to stick his bloody appointment, why can't he make it himself?

It's not that I don't think it's fine for one person to say enough is enough but a kind person would realise this takes a long time to process plus you can use two types of contraceptive if it matters a lot not to be pregnant.

It has taken me about five years to come to peace with not having more children, I would hate to be rushed into this, I really would.

While I can't begin to comprehend feeling it for years, your post does make me feel better for struggling less than 6 months after DS2 arrived. Thank you Hairtodaygonetomorrow.
If fact, thank you to pretty much everyone who has posted, as I feel less like I'm going nuts now, and perhaps like what I'm feeling is somehwere approaching understandable.

I think it's a shame this is hanging over you and affecting your enjoyment of your baby. I suppose your dh might feel the thought of you going through another difficult pg and possibly pnd is too much for either of you. He's not being very kind in how he's going about it.
You never know, when he finally goes for the appointment he might not like the info he gets from the GP about possible complications etc!

It is very understandable to feel this way. I resented having the decision made for me (I felt) by the doctors and I couldn't comprehend why DH would want to do something so permanent.

But I gradually began to see that he did it for me and our DC as much as he did it for himself. He didn't want me to go through the same trauma again (I also had PTSD) and he didn't want our DC to have a very poorly mum again - or worse no mum at all. It shows his commitment to them that even if he were to have another relationship (not that I hope he does of course!) they will be his only DC and I value that somehow.

Sorry not sure I've articulated that very clearly...

I'm sorry you are hurting so much. Can I ask how your dh is approaching this with you? Is he gentle and understanding, if immovable? Or is he simply presenting it as a done deal?

It's the unilateral decision about something that affects you both that would be the big issue for me.

I feel for you. I would like one more, DP wouldn't. I have to organise contraceptives as he has read too many vasectomy scare stories on mumsnet, so it feels like adding insult to injury (a bit like you having to book his appointment). I do think he was unkind asking you to do that.