Really struggling with my husband's decision to be sterilised, it's breaking my heart. Can anyone help?!!!

[MrsHelenBee]

I'm 37, married, and have 2 sons - 3 years and 5 months. DH is 41.
We met online - an online dating success story - 6 years ago, having both resigned ourselves to being single in the long term.
I love my DH, he is everything to me, and he has given me two beautiful boys, for which I will always be so lucky.
I've had severe SPD in both pregnancies, and had an awful, traumatic labour and birth first time around, so we didn;t think we'd have a second, but then I had some counselling and we went on a hypnotherapy course which made for a totally different birth experience and the feeling of horror and terror I had after DS1 was born, was replaced with a feeling of empowerment and the overwhelming feeling that I'd like to do it just one more time. It was always how I pictured myself, a mum of 3, and although I wouldn't be disappointed to have another boy, the chance to try for a daughter is something I've been dreaming of.
I didn't know I was going to feel like this, partly becuase I didn't think I'd get through a 2nd labour and birth until I actually did, but now I have the overhwelming desire to have just one more and complete our family. I dreamed of a husband and family for years, and I'm not ready to say goodbye to that part of my life, so with DH having made an appointment with the GP to do whatever is requied to arrange a vasectomy, I hurt like I can't believe.
H has his reasons, he feels too old to have another, doesn't wnat to see me struggle pyhsically with another preganacy and, right now, being maternity leave and existing on one salary means we're really tight on finances. They're all totally understandable reasons, and it's his body at the end of the day, so he is entitled to do whatever he thinks is right. He doesn't want any more children, it's as simple as that. So, why am I struggling so much to accept it and be ok with it. I can't stop him having a vasectomy, I know it's going to happen, but I'm getting increasingly distressed by the prospect that that part of my life is over, and I'm terrified I'm going to resent him. I must be incredibly selfish, I just can;t seem to find a way to be ok with it.
PLEASE, does anyone else know how I'm feeling? Will it get better soon?

I wouldn't have made the appointment for him. I think it was cruel of him to ask you.

The problem is his refusal to discuss this with you. I don't think it would be a good idea to bring another child into this relationship if it's not strong enough already.

The obvious. sensible approach would be to agree to postpone the vasectomy for now and agree to wait until you are both sure or, at least, you have both had the chance to talk it through and come to some agreement.

Grin, I think people are berating the DH more for not discussing this with OP and for being quite unfeeling (asking her for months to make the appointment) than for taking responsibility.

I see where you are coming from though.

I don't agree that this is not ultimately his decision to make. yes, in a relationship he should discuss it and give his reasons which he has done but at the end, if agreement cannot be reached, he absolutely has the right to say my body. my choice and refuse to enter into an action which would make him financially, legally and morally responsible for another child for decades to come.

Also, you cannot say that 41 is not old. you are as old or as young as you feel and if he feels he is too old for another child then that is how he feels. I just had DC3 at 40 and definitely feel too old for another. I could not be the kind of parent that I want to be to another child which would not be born until I was 41. I DO feel too old to have any more.

I also do not have the sense of "completeness" of my family that I expected a third child to bring. I think you could (age, finances and other factors permitting which in our case they do not) imagining that just one more child would complete your family. I have 2 boys and a girl (girl is DC2) and think another girl would be nice and even . I know however that by the time DC3 is 2 I will be enjoying the slightly increased freedom that comes with not having a new born and this will fade.

finally DC3 is just 8 weeks old and docs while they did raise the question) have just performed a vasectomy.

Right, so if this were a woman talking about her desire to be sterilised you seriously think her partner should have some say in what she does to her body and how she controls her reproduction?

I suspect he has told himself that if you make the appt it's a sign that you've accepted it.

Right, so if this were a woman talking about her desire to be sterilised you seriously think her partner should have some say in what she does to her body and how she controls her reproduction?

No but she should have the decency to discuss it with him and give him some time to come to terms with it (if there were no chance of unwanted pregnancy in the meantime) and she should not demand that he make the appointment.

"They will definitely sterilise a person before a youngest one is 12 months."

Yes, some will; but it's not best practice and so some won't.

I agree he needs to make his own appointment, but his doing it without his partner 'coming to terms with it' which might never happen does not make him a person of no decency. He has extremely valid reasons.

If they won't then you can ask to see another consultant.

Fair enough Yonic. FWIW I do think he should be making his own appointment. She is not his secretary and getting her to make it is unnecessarily nasty. But ultimately it is his decision to make and where the two people are so far apart in their feelings on the subject, he has to be allowed to make that choice.

We had dc2 when dh was 30 and he made the decision to have a vasectomy while the baby was tiny. I was upset because I have always wanted a bigger family but at no point did I try and change dh's mind. He was v supportive of me though and did everything he could to help me move past the sadness. He wanted no more children however. That wasn't going to change.

Agree with others. He has every right to do this unilaterally. Those who say he needs to wait, wait for what? The op to have a chance to get him to change his mind? Op won't be changing her mind so why should he?

It's a joint decision to have a baby, but the decision not to have one can be taken unilaterally. The default is no babies unless both parties positively want one. Sorry op, I hope you do come to terms with this.

I would like another dc, but my dh wouldn't, for valid reasons. I can see his point of view, and I tell him that, even if I don't feel the same way as him. We do already have more than 1 dc so really I think it would be selfish of me to push for more. I couldn't bear it if I pushed (bullied) him into it, then the resentment ruined our family.

He could give you more time to come to terms with it, which is what my dh is doing but ultimately you can't/shouldn't try and change his mind. Have you talked through all scenarios? My DH would consider another if we came into a life changing amount of money/and I was the right side of 40 and possibly if one of our children died (and even then I think he would only agree to try and help me heal). Knowing that helps.

My youngest is now 4 and I still feel broody but I think it is getting better, it peaked about 2 years ago. I have given away all my baby stuff. That helped. It is lovely to see younger dc using it x

You'd never get me to change my mind about having a third child.
NEVER.
I myself was sterilised after ds2.
Her dh doesn't want to have a third. All his reasons are valid.
How do you imagine that this is going to be resolved OP?

if he is that bothered he would make the appointment

Is it possible the GP wants to discuss it with both of them as it will effect then both?

If so he needs to change GP, East. Can you imagine if a woman went in for contraception or termination of an unwanted pregnancy and the GP demanded to see her partner because it affects them both?

how it is done is detail - the big thing is that he doesn't want any more children. That trumps the person who does, I'm afraid.

OP - you 'dreamed of a husband and family'. You've got that.

You also give all the reasons why you should not have a third. It is hard to accept things that will not happen again - but it is part of life.

Carlson, I do think it is the practice in some areas to seek to involve both parts of a couple in the discussion - not for "permission" but if there is pre-OP counselling for something that affects both parties, it's less likely to lead to attempted reversals later on etc.

I really feel for you as DH opted to have a vasectomy and it would never have been my choice. In our case we had to let out heads rule our hearts though and while 8 years on it still hurts I know it was the sensible decision to take.

I had PND after every pregnancy. Had AND with my youngest. I had two miscarriages including a twin and both DC3 and I nearly died while having him so really, it would have been unbelievably selfish to have another child. I could have died trying to have another baby leaving the ones I had without a mum. We would not have had DC3 if we had known the risks but I would never have guessed that having one baby after an EMCS would go relatively okay but a subsequent one could be catastrophic.

Never heard of that. What an invasion of one's privacy and right to confidentiality. Being in a partnership or marriage certainly does not preclude that.

I think 5 months after the birth of your DS2 is too soon for any kind of decisions. DH and I had similar discussions 5 months after the birth of DS2&3, we were feeling quite broody, and considering DC5. At the time it wasn't an issue as we both felt similarly. However I do recognise what you are saying about very powerful feelings for another. At that point a baby tends to be more settled in a routine, may be sleeping better, and will undoubtedly be very cute and interactive. bear in mind this is the point before they get mobile, and start trashing your house, having tantrums etc.

We found the broodiness definitely passed! Not that I'm saying it necessarily will for you, however such a permanent decision needs time to make. You may also find that your DH changes his mind about things, so many people do, even when they are initially intent on no more. Just put the decision to one side OP, if your DH will allow you both to do so. ideally revisit it in a year or two.

As an aside, I don't know why he expects you to make the appt for him? I certainly wouldn't be doing that.

Of course it's his decision to make alone, he's an adult and in charge of his own body. He doesn't want any more children and has the right to take whatever measures to ensure that doesn't happen. Why does he need to wait? He knows his own mind and why should he worry re pregnancy every time he has sex when he knows he has completed his family.

If a women wanted to be sterilised, she corretly wouldn't need consent from her OH.

The DH has watched his wife struggle with pregnancy, is already feeling the financial pressure etc. What happens if a third is not enough, will a fourth be demanded? It's quite sad that one child alone is not good enough for many.

Carlson, daisy - I don't think it's a "consent" point - I think it's advised in some areas to involve both parties in counselling. Ultimately, if one party doesn't agree but the other still wants to go ahead, I'm sure it's possible. I don't know for sure, though, that it's common practice, just going by past posts I've seen from MNers.

Wow, I thought there were a lot of posts last night, and I can't believe what a huge response there's been in the last 12 hours.
There are so many individual people I'd like to acknowledge specifically for their posts, but it would take me forever.
I don't think he asked me to make the appointment to deliberately cause me to hurt more, I dont think he even though that bit through. It was more because he works stupid hours and seldom is anywhere near a phone when our surgery is open. Also, waiting for the surgery to answer their phone is ridiculous, and he doesn't have time for that. I genuinely think that's where it all came from. As it is, he's having to take the afternoon off jut to make it to the appointment.
I'm not a bully, I have no intention of pushing him to change his mind - he knows what he wants, just as I do, and I'd never make him do something he doesn't want to do. Neither of us has ever had high sex drives, and the fact that I've had SPD in both pregnancies, from very early on, means there was little chance of it happening without me being in awful levels of pain, and for that reason, it didn't. He was terrified of hurting me. After DS1, my pelvis took nearly 18 months to repair, and while I feel more comfortable at 5 months post birth than I did back then, I still know that it'll be a good while before it's fixed, so there's little risk of it happening at all for a good while.
I was bleeding for 22 weeks after DS2 and the GP thought going back on the pill (when it ws still VERY heavy at 10 weeks), might help. I first went on the Pill in my teens because I suffer from excessively heavy and long periods, so going back on some while back was first and foremost to try and sort my body out. I had surgery immediately after DS2 was born, and it's left me quite damaged, which is why healing has and is taking such a long time. That in itself is depressing. I know the coil has helped many people but I would never have one. The very idea of that inside me is awful, as is an implant. Ideally, I'd nevertake anything which is hormone controlling, but I can live with taking the Pill far more easily than the thought of someone putting something inside me.
I think part of how I feel comes from not having a girl, but I adore my boys and if someone asked me whether I'd rather have a daughter or my 2 sons, there'd be no question I'd want my baby boys. They are beautiful and adorable. I can live without a girl, I'm hugely grateful that I've got any children at all. What I'm struggling with is the idea that it was a done deal. We've always talked about everything - not because we try to change each other's minds, but because we're a team. It's the fact it just was said matter of factly, and I never even knew he was thinking about it.
I said a few months back that it was very distressing (and it's not like I wasn't exhausted at that time, making it a bad time to make decisions), and could he just wait for a bit so I could get my head round it. He was ok with that, but 'waiting for a bit' was about 6 weeks in practice.
I hope the broody feeling goes. I always wanted 3 (NOT 4, or 5 - I have HUGE respect for parents of big families, but I couldn't do it), and I guess I went through my pregancy thinking it probably wasn't the last time I'd be doing it, and now it transpires that it was the last time, I wish I'd known sooner to make the most of it. We had 2 miscarriages before DS1, another before DS2, and DS2 was actually a twin, but I lost the other. My pregnancies aren't the most straightforward, which doesn't help, and I'm trying VERY hard to be pragmatic and see that as a reason to be grateful for the two we have. We are exceptionally lucky, and yes I have thought about the fact that our lives would be a lot easier if we just call it a day. But equally, a child is worth so much more. I can deal with painful pregnancies because 9 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things.
Anyway, there are loads of other things I wanted to say - comments I totally agree with, and those which have been of huge support because somehow knowing you're not going through something alone is a huge help - but I'll stop short of providing an entire essay which no one wants to read.