Really struggling with my husband's decision to be sterilised, it's breaking my heart. Can anyone help?!!!

[MrsHelenBee]

I'm 37, married, and have 2 sons - 3 years and 5 months. DH is 41.
We met online - an online dating success story - 6 years ago, having both resigned ourselves to being single in the long term.
I love my DH, he is everything to me, and he has given me two beautiful boys, for which I will always be so lucky.
I've had severe SPD in both pregnancies, and had an awful, traumatic labour and birth first time around, so we didn;t think we'd have a second, but then I had some counselling and we went on a hypnotherapy course which made for a totally different birth experience and the feeling of horror and terror I had after DS1 was born, was replaced with a feeling of empowerment and the overwhelming feeling that I'd like to do it just one more time. It was always how I pictured myself, a mum of 3, and although I wouldn't be disappointed to have another boy, the chance to try for a daughter is something I've been dreaming of.
I didn't know I was going to feel like this, partly becuase I didn't think I'd get through a 2nd labour and birth until I actually did, but now I have the overhwelming desire to have just one more and complete our family. I dreamed of a husband and family for years, and I'm not ready to say goodbye to that part of my life, so with DH having made an appointment with the GP to do whatever is requied to arrange a vasectomy, I hurt like I can't believe.
H has his reasons, he feels too old to have another, doesn't wnat to see me struggle pyhsically with another preganacy and, right now, being maternity leave and existing on one salary means we're really tight on finances. They're all totally understandable reasons, and it's his body at the end of the day, so he is entitled to do whatever he thinks is right. He doesn't want any more children, it's as simple as that. So, why am I struggling so much to accept it and be ok with it. I can't stop him having a vasectomy, I know it's going to happen, but I'm getting increasingly distressed by the prospect that that part of my life is over, and I'm terrified I'm going to resent him. I must be incredibly selfish, I just can;t seem to find a way to be ok with it.
PLEASE, does anyone else know how I'm feeling? Will it get better soon?

Yy re appointment

IME, even if it is a decision you both agree on, it is emotional and momentous; how much more so if it is one-sided. I would be surprised if they agreed to it, due to the age of your child, so there might be the opportunity for discussion and compromise. He isn't being nice rubbing your nose in it re: the appointment, though.

I do think that any counsellor or GP would suggest not taking such an irrevocable decision if at all possible when you are feeling the way you do mentally.

Does he somehow link doing this to resuming a sex life? It seems a strange thing to be in such a rush to do that he is going to do it whilst you are on the Pill and also when you aren't having sex.

...but if you feel it is the Pill leaving you with no sex drive, then he may think this is a way to "fix" that.

Don't make appointments for him, ridiculous of him to expect that. It's sad for you but he does have every right to decide he won't have more DC. Also sounds like there are other things to resolve, eg sex.

I don't understand why he insisted on you making the appointment. And why you did it, like you're his PA or something...?

OP, are you both going to the appointment? I think some MNers have needed to be there as part of the process before.

It sounds to me as if seeing you in pain with SPD and seeing you suffer from PND & PTSD has made him realise he does not want to see you hurt or in pain because he loves you. Now you have two children he would like to see you rebuild your strength so you can start to enjoy life as parents to 2 small children. I am slightly surprised you have been on the pill for months when your youngest is 5 months, did you breastfeed at all or are you nursing now? I think lots of women don't have much desire for sex when they have a 5 month old and are having to get up twice in the night. Can you tell him you understand that his desire for a vasectomy is coming from the right place but that you would like to get used to the idea and would like to wait until your youngest is one.

The thing is, if OP fell pregnant again, and her DH said he had never wanted a third, everyone would be posting "well, he should have taken responsibility for contraception himself then". Which is what he's doing.

Having said that, you deserve more than this in terms of empathy and support from him. You say he doesn't want to discuss it; can't he see that he's being selfish and hurtful and you need to discuss it in order to let your feelings out?

I think saying 'I don't want to discuss it' about something of this magnitude is a rubbish attitude within a marriage.

As you acknowledge in the opening post, to cannot prevent this happening.

It is his body and his choice.

Yes, it's far better to work this through as a couple, but you cannot insist that someone else either has, or does not have, surgery.

Are there other areas where communication is poor? Would working on them make it easier to tackle this? The surgical option is not recommended within a year of life-changing events, which include childbirth. You may find you have more time before any operation than he currently envisages. But if he is determined that he has all the children he wants, and wishes to do everything he can to ensure he fathers no more, then I think the changes of persuading him are low.

(Don't make the appointment, BTW. If he wants it done, then he gets it done. You don't have to do anything. Tell him clearly it's entirely up to him as you do not support the decision).

I feel the same as you OP, I have 2 and my DP has 2. He's also 41 and wanted a vasectomy. I felt incredibly upset and hurt despite knowing from the off that 4 between us was a lot and he never said he would have more. But when he saw how hurt I was we agreed on a compromise. I've got the Mirena coil now (in place for up to 5 years). We both think in 5 years time life will have moved on, all kids will be middle to upper primary... I'll have moved past the baby stage (I hope!) and we probably won't want to start over.

For me though it was just knowing that the door, although very closed right now, isn't permanently shut. Do you think your DH could accept something like that? A serious commitment to contraception on your part, that isn't totally permanent? Would you feel any better about that option?

East, there are pills which are compatible with breast feeding.

Some women are lucky enough to have a clear sense of when their family is complete. Others do not. It hurts to have that next step forced upon you, whether by your own biology or by your partner's feelings.

You do come to terms with it eventually.

Despite us stopping by mutual agreement, I was so, so, painfully broody that I seriously contemplated having 'an accident'. But I did not do it. Instead I finally gave away the baby clothes and cuddled as many babies as I could. When my youngest was 2 I suddenly realised that I found the broodyness enjoyable, and had no regrets giving the 'borrowed' babies back. So it does pass.

Your feelings are perfectly reasonable IMO, but this is one situation where neither of you can reasonably have it all your own way. I wonder whether he wanted you to make the appt in order to for you to really see that his mind was made up? (Or was he just being a bloke?)

I don't know what to suggest, other than talk to him about your grief and ask him to wait another year before taking this final step. He can still be responsible for his own contraception.

I agree with tumble tumble. If OP was on here saying she was pregnant as a result of contraception failure and that her DH was being an arse about it, we would all be saying that if he didnot want more children, he should have done something about it, ie : hada vasectomy . Her DH has decided that this is the way forward and I think it is his decision to make. I do not, however, think OP should be the one making the appointment for him.

But they are not having sex and OP is on the pill - it's not like they aren't covered for contraception!

That is fine as long as they are both happy to live in a sex free marriage. Otherwise, the pill does not 100% guarantee no pregnancy, especially if OP has a tummy upset or , I believe, takes certain medication. Her DH clearly feels strongly that he does not want anymore children and is prepared to take action to ensure that he doesn't have anymore. I feel for the OP. I know how hard it is to accept there will be no more children. But I don't think we should be criticizing her DH because he is prepared to take action to prevent it rather than relying on her to fill her body with artificial hormones and then act like an arse if they fail.

You can have a vasectomy when your youngest is under 12 months. My youngest was 8 months when DH had his.

Grin, if DP didn't want any more kids and OP did but was taking the pill anyway (I don't think she wants another baby immediately so tho is sensible), nobody on MN would be berating DP for not getting a vasectomy - which seemed to be your point.

why do you have to make the appointment? stuff that!

dh was all in favour of vasectomy til he spoke to the gp who terrified him half to death about the side effects

I think the loss of never having a daughter is causing you to be so upset.

Well, for a start if he is so keen to have the doc's appt he's a big boy and he can make his own appointment... But more seriously, ask him if you can go along too. Also, how would he feel if you got a mirena coil fitted? It is pretty damn effective but means that the decision is not irrevocable. Like you I have two boys and still hankered for a third child after DS2 was born. DP was absolutely not in favour and was talking of vasectomy. I said to him that it was a painful and permanent undertaking and that I would get a coil instead. In my head I was buying time, hoping he would come round. He never did, and actually the moment where I could in all honesty have said we would cope financially or emotionally or practically with a third child never came. I'm 42 now and I think that ship has sailed. To be honest there is a slight wistful feeling over the third child I never had, but as my boys grow up and are becoming more independent, interesting, differentiated individuals the thought of going back to the baby and toddler days is not appealing. If you could have a coil to allay your husband's fears of pregnancy and to allow you time to see if you still feel so strongly in a few years that you want another, or the urge has faded, you still have some options at that point. Your husband may come round, or he may not. Your feelings may change too.

Not quite Yonic. I have read many threads where there has been a contraception failure, including the pill, where the DH has been berated for being ab arsenal about an accidental pregnancy and the point has been made that if he was so sure he didn't want more children, he should have taken responsibility by having a vasectomy. It seems that in this case the DH is prepared to take that responsibility but is still being berated for it.

Sorry on phone. * an arse.

I think part of your broodyness stems from.having such a tiny baby. I persuaded DH to have a third after DS2 he insisted we had it sooner rather than later. I actually think if he'd waited the want for a third may have waned with time. Ask your DH to at least wait a little while until you're less hormonal.

He makes his own appointment. You are not his secretary. He can pick up a phone.

I completely disagree that he needs anyone's permission to do this or it needs to be joint decison. Adults have a right to complete autonomy over their bodies. They must bear the consequences of their decisions and be prepared to do so.

They will definitely sterilise a person before a youngest one is 12 months.

He knows his own mind. Fair play. His body, his choice.

But he makes his own damn appointment.