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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Yesterday I cried twice and dh ignored me

56 replies

nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 10:52

I'm suffering from very severe depression. I am probably not easy to be around, or much fun, but I am trying very very hard.

Dh is struggling a bit, understandably. Lately he's been amazingly supportive. He took 5 weeks off work to care for me and he's done the vast majority of the household chores. I'm beginging to start getting involved again with childcare and cooking etc.

He has a lot on his plate. Yesterday, he was very anxious. He was snappy with the kids and went off in a strop at one point. Ds2 and I were crying and upset. WHen he came back half an hour later, he didn't acknowledge my tears. Last night, after he made a big deal about ds1 spilling milk, I cleared it uo, ds1 was upset his dad was annoyed wth him over what was an accident. I was crying on the sofa shortly afterwards. He came in and didn't say anything, just sat near me and looked worried and in his own world.

He used to be like this from time to time but over the last 6 mths he's really turned thing areound. But this weekend was back to the old him.

I don't know what to do next.

OP posts:

JaceyBee · 27/10/2014 10:55

Sorry to hear you're suffering so badly with depression. Can I ask what steps you're taking to try and get better?

Original poster

nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 10:57

Hi, yes, I'm on meds under the psychiatrist and have a cpn and another cpn who does therapy. Also going walking, trying to do something creative as much as possible.

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 27/10/2014 11:01

Obviously you can't help your depression, but imagine his world is a very sad and lonely place to be at times.

What support iare you both getting?

LittleBairn · 27/10/2014 11:01

I'm sorry you are all suffering so much.
Your DH is allowed an off day too, as you said yourself he was anxious yesterday. He needs space for himself too where he isn't always your carer and support. One bad day, or even a few, shouldn't cancel out all the good he has done lately.
I'm sorry I know that sounds harsh but I really feel for your DH too.

FolkGirl · 27/10/2014 11:01

X post. What support is he getting?

JaceyBee · 27/10/2014 11:05

Ok well that's good you have psychiatric support but what about talking therapy? Are you able to access this at all?

Original poster

nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 11:06

He's getting counselling.
Our kids are hard going, I've a thread about ds today too!
I rarely cry, even when depressed, so it's not a common event. I am normally putting a brave face on.
This is a miserable household.

OP posts:

Mumpire5 · 27/10/2014 11:06

I was all set to post that he is ignoring your distress but my mother had a hard life propping up my father during his depression(s). There's only so much in your husband's tank and after five weeks he must be running low.

Original poster

nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 11:06

Yes, I'm gatting talking therapy.

OP posts:

JaceyBee · 27/10/2014 11:07

Sorry I see that you have therapy with a CPN. I assume they are doing low intensity CBT with you, behavioural activation, cognitive restructuring etc?

I don't think your dh's response was unsurprising to be fair, although I'm sure it was hurtful. I don't mean to make you feel bad at all but it is very difficult living with someone who has depression. Try not to personalise too much and accept that a bad day is a bad day and doesn't mean he doesn't care.

InfinitySeven · 27/10/2014 11:08

I'm not sure what he could have done... It doesn't sound like he was capable of comforting you at that moment.

You both need to try not to judge each other and just get through this.

I second the recommendation to seek more help. Something will need to give soon, you can't go on with everyone upset.

Original poster

nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 11:09

I know it's hard for him.
I don't often look for emotional support. From him or friends. Only if I'm desperate. For me to cry, it's really bad level of distress.
I've been living with his moods for years and not complained or let him down, until this year.

OP posts:

QuintessentiallyGhoulish · 27/10/2014 11:11

I am sorry, you both have it hard at the moment. But I think you need to recognize that it is hard for him too, and not just be concerned with how it affects you when he is struggling. Your struggles effect him too, and if you have suffered depression for years and with no outlook for improvement, you cant expect him to erase his own feelings all the time to prop you up.

I dont mean to be harsh, but horrible as depression is, it is affecting the whole family, not just you.

Original poster

nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 11:11

I don't know how to get more help. It took months to get to this stage.

He used to be like this all the time, we talked about how he needed to try to change and he did it, life was good for while.

I don't feel he loves me , I don't want to be here , I don't want him if hes like this.

OP posts:

OddBoots · 27/10/2014 11:12

It sounds like you would both benefit from seeing someone as a couple, he is showing signs of depression, at at least of not coping with such a serious and prolonged responsibility.

Try to talk with him and agree that you will both do your best to treat each other as kindly as possible and try to forgive each other to prevent a vicious cycle getting worse.

Original poster

nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 11:12

I haven't had depression for years, I propped him up in his anxiety for years, that contributed to this.

He's been a great support and I know it's hard, I did it for years!

OP posts:

QuintessentiallyGhoulish · 27/10/2014 11:12

If his moods are contributing to your depression, maybe it is worth looking into going it alone? It seems like neither of you are happy.

Original poster

nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 11:14

I was the emotional support in the relationship for years, put my own needs to one side to support the kids and him too. I've had 6 mths of support from him, now he's used up.

OP posts:

Original poster

nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 11:16

Maybe.

OP posts:

Teeb · 27/10/2014 11:17

You sound quite resentful of him. Maybe it is time for the relationship to come to it's natural end.

Original poster

nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 11:17

I thought about it in the past, about going it alone. My heart is breaking.

OP posts:

Original poster

nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 11:21

I don't know what to do : (

OP posts:

JaceyBee · 27/10/2014 11:21

I'm coming at this from the perspective that your relationship is primarily a well balanced, loving, respectful one. If this is not the case, then I would respond differently.

If you relate your depression to his moods and the way he has behaved towards you over the years then there may be something more going on here. Have you discussed your relationship with him in your therapy or is it all behavioural worksheets and the like?

Original poster

nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 11:24

Yes, Jay, it is primarily a healthy, balanced one. This period of time is not a true reflection of it.

I've only just started the therapy, resources here for mh are crap. SO not discussed dh yet, but I will be.

OP posts:

Original poster

nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 11:25

And, yes, if I had a daughter or of one of the dses is gay ,I'd want a man like him for her/him!

OP posts:

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