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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Yesterday I cried twice and dh ignored me

56 replies

nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 10:52

I'm suffering from very severe depression. I am probably not easy to be around, or much fun, but I am trying very very hard.

Dh is struggling a bit, understandably. Lately he's been amazingly supportive. He took 5 weeks off work to care for me and he's done the vast majority of the household chores. I'm beginging to start getting involved again with childcare and cooking etc.

He has a lot on his plate. Yesterday, he was very anxious. He was snappy with the kids and went off in a strop at one point. Ds2 and I were crying and upset. WHen he came back half an hour later, he didn't acknowledge my tears. Last night, after he made a big deal about ds1 spilling milk, I cleared it uo, ds1 was upset his dad was annoyed wth him over what was an accident. I was crying on the sofa shortly afterwards. He came in and didn't say anything, just sat near me and looked worried and in his own world.

He used to be like this from time to time but over the last 6 mths he's really turned thing areound. But this weekend was back to the old him.

I don't know what to do next.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 27/10/2014 11:25

I'm not asking this to sound stupid, but to understand the situation.

You said he just sat there and looked worried. What did you want him to do instead?

Original poster
nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 11:29

I'd have liked a hug.

OP posts:
InfinitySeven · 27/10/2014 11:32

Did you approach him for a hug?

Would he realistically be likely to refuse? He doesn't sound it, if it's happy and balanced most of the time.

Vivacia · 27/10/2014 11:33

I thought you'd say that, because years and years ago I once described a very similar situation to a friend. I'd been sobbing and he'd just sat there and I couldn't understand how somebody could be so cold and heartless.

My friend said, "Next time say "I need a hug, would you hold me?"". The point being, other people aren't mind-readers. What I took for heartless was actually blind panic. Also, growing up, I hadn't learned to identify my own needs, let alone express them or have an expectation that they'd ever be met.

I hope that helps. I don't normally give so much of myself away Blush

Original poster
nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 11:34

He wouldn't refuse, no.

OP posts:
Original poster
nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 11:37

Viv, that is helpful, thank you. Yes, he was generally overwhelmed yesterday and I don't mean by me, just in general.
I rarealy ask for support from anyone. I have to be utterly utterly desperate. I don't even know when I need or want something and I certainly can't articulate it : (

OP posts:
Original poster
nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 11:38

Viv, it is much appreciated : )

Thank you everyone for posting Flowers

OP posts:
Allhallowspeeve · 27/10/2014 11:43

Go back to your GP as your meds obviously arnt working.

Read 'depression fallout' and it will give you an insight to how you both are feeling.

My mother has depression and other MH issues. She has tried to hang herself three times (that I know of) . Living with some one who has depression take a massive toll on partners and children. The depression skews your mind and makes you believe others are at fault when it's the illness in your own mind. Depression can make people very selfish when they were once very loving and giving - it can steal people.

I don't mean to horrible but I've been in a family that broke up because off this horrible illness when staying on meds or going back to the doctor could have helped. Flowers

Dowser · 27/10/2014 11:44

A lightbulb went on for me the day I learned depression and anger were at the opposite ends of the same scale.

I was the depressed wife married to the angry man.

Once I got back in touch with the anger I'd buried....boy did it feel good!

I threw the Valium down the toilet and began the long slow climb to wellness.

Don't forget...if you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got.

You can only change yourself not others. Next time " one of his moods appear on the horizon' round the kids up and tell him you're off out and you'll come back when he's snapped out of it.

Rebecca2014 · 27/10/2014 11:46

I think you should cut him some slack, he took 5 weeks off work to care for his depressed wife. Maybe he is just fed up?

Allhallowspeeve · 27/10/2014 11:47

dowser throwing your meds away may have worked for you but it massively unadvisable for others to do it.

Allhallowspeeve · 27/10/2014 11:49

I agree rebecca those arnt the actions of a caring husband.

op maybe he looked worried last night as he is at a loss how to help the situation . This will be so much bigger than just how you feel. X

Dowser · 27/10/2014 11:52

I wasn't suggesting she did, its just what i did and we only see a very small snapshot of the whole relationship here.

I always think its advisable to see a relationship counsellor if a relationship can be saved.

Original poster
nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 12:06

I see psych every 3 weeks re meds, he's added a mood stabaliser which has significantly helped; it's early days.
Yeah. he's a loving and caring man.I totally see that. But his moods have been an intermitant problem. And that's not the depression talking, I have been struggling with it for years. It can be hard to be taken seriously because I am depressed as anything I say can be dismissed as being the depression talking; sometimes it is, but sometimes it isn't! SOmetimes it's the truth.

Thanks all for your input. I do appreciate it. We'll talk tonight hopefully. I think trying to be kind to each other is the way forward and some couple therapy too .

OP posts:
Stupidhead · 27/10/2014 12:17

I think you've both lost the way a bit and forgotten what it's like to be lovers instead of each other's carers. It is exhausting having to live and deal with someone with severe depression and it can drag you down with it.

He's not a mind reader and shouldn't be your carer/counsellor so ask him for a hug, give him a hug sometimes.

I'm not getting at you but I know what it's like to be in his shoes x

Allhallowspeeve · 27/10/2014 12:28

Op please read the book I suggested. You can down load it x

Original poster
nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 13:11

Will do, thank you

OP posts:
Mumpire5 · 27/10/2014 13:12

Would u both be less depressed apart?

Quitelikely · 27/10/2014 13:22

Is he on medication for his anxiety OP? Maybe that would help him out

Firstly it sounds like there are alot of good things about your relationship so don't think about ending it just yet.

Depression/anxiety/children are all stressful things to live with.

Being depressed and living with the depressed are both super hard. I've experience of both. I have to say being depressed is slightly worse but being the not depressed one means the other person can pull you back down into depression iyswim.

Sometimes with the depression the best way to fight it is to get up and do things, do the dishes, basically just move around, it can take utter determination but sometimes it's whats needed. Especially when you see it is pulling the other person down. Seeing signs of improvement offers them hope.

I think under the circumstances you have described that I feel reluctant to criticise your do for his lack of affection. I think his emotions are all over the place too.

Don't let depression defeat you, fight back against it. You actually can, I know, I have done it.

Take one hour at a time, baby steps, don't think about the future, just about today and what you can do today.

Good luck!

googoodolly · 27/10/2014 17:16

When you say moods, what do you mean? Does he sulk? Get angry? Is it possible that years of putting up with someone moody and unpredictable has led you to become depressed?

It's not easy living with someone who is changing their mood all the time, and it wouldn't surprise me if his instability has led to you suffering. Do you think it's possible?

Flowers
Tinks42 · 27/10/2014 17:26

The minute you said you'd been coping with him for years I thought... get rid of him and there would be no need for meds.

MLP · 27/10/2014 17:47

I am sorry you are going through such a hard time - depression is so overwhelming at times. Seriously ignore the posters suggesting you should get rid of him. It sounds like he has made some effort, albeit imperfectly - hardly a basis for cutting and running.

I have seen depression at work in our broader family and its impact is really hard on relationships and I think a lot of men don't know how to deal with it. But I can sympathise with them to some extent. Hang in there - get some counselling and potentially medication, if appropriate, for both of you.

yillt · 27/10/2014 17:54

my brother has depression, and I try my best to be supportive 99% of the time but I have to say its not that we dont care its just that sometimes we run out of ways to show it. It can be v hard to know what the right thing to say or do and that can be exhausting in itself, wanting to help so badly but having no idea how to do it I agree with other posters he was probably having an off day or he was exhausted and didn't know what to do. Stick with him, he's trying

Rainbunny · 27/10/2014 20:30

Not trying to ignore your feeling here, but you don't get to dismiss his emotions and signs of anxiety just because you have emotions and depressive symptoms. You sound as though you think your issues override his right now. I read your post and immediately thought that your DH sounds overwhelmed and needs a break. Carers can't keep caring without a break. As for your hurt that he didn't respond to your crying, first of all as I mentioned above he sounds overwhelmed and secondly please express your feelings to him directly so that he can understand what you need from him. It's not fair to have expectations of him that you don't express except by crying.

Tinks42 · 27/10/2014 20:53

Its also probably years of having to put up with an arse that has got the OP to this point. Women are very strong individuals but years of being put down, looking after the home, looking after the kids and doing everything can take their toll, so does having to put with a person that does jack shit except care about himself. The OP did say that she had put up with him for year and I expect this has all been internalised and this is the result.