Yesterday I cried twice and dh ignored me

[nethunsreject]

I'm suffering from very severe depression. I am probably not easy to be around, or much fun, but I am trying very very hard.

Dh is struggling a bit, understandably. Lately he's been amazingly supportive. He took 5 weeks off work to care for me and he's done the vast majority of the household chores. I'm beginging to start getting involved again with childcare and cooking etc.

He has a lot on his plate. Yesterday, he was very anxious. He was snappy with the kids and went off in a strop at one point. Ds2 and I were crying and upset. WHen he came back half an hour later, he didn't acknowledge my tears. Last night, after he made a big deal about ds1 spilling milk, I cleared it uo, ds1 was upset his dad was annoyed wth him over what was an accident. I was crying on the sofa shortly afterwards. He came in and didn't say anything, just sat near me and looked worried and in his own world.

He used to be like this from time to time but over the last 6 mths he's really turned thing areound. But this weekend was back to the old him.

I don't know what to do next.

Tinks - "... so does having to put with a person that does jack shit except care about himself."

Wow! That's what you got out of the OP's post, despite the fact that she clearly stated he has just taken 5 weeks off of work to care for her, in which time he did the majority of the household chores. It seems likely he is overwhelmed and has his own anxiety issues. Why so much blame for this man, who is probably just trying to do his best to keep it together while caring for his depressed wife. Why is he such a bad guy for "daring" to have anxiety issues? Is supposed to be a saint and never get overwhelmed or fed up? Can he never have a bad day or a short temper, you know, like a regular human?

I grew up with a depressed parent. This husband sounds like a decent person under a lot of stress to me.

Thanks all, particularly for the non-projecting, measured comments ;-).
We talked like sensible adults and things are much improved :-)

"For me to cry, it's really bad level of distress."

Perhaps it is, but the way you have described the situation, you got "bad level of distress" over quite innocent and common situations (your DH being snappy and your DS1 being upset). And when a partner is depressed, day after day, that is the crux of the matter: he/she gets terribly upset and cries at the most minimal incident. Which is what wears carers of depressed partners down to the core.

I had a partner with depression whom I supported for 2 years. They were 2 years of hell, of constant negativity, of caring and giving my all to a person who resented me if I dared to feel happy when he was not, who constantly cried at the most harmless situations, for whom the glass was always half empty. A person who always resented me for how I reacted with him... if I offered him a hug, that wasn't what he needed. If I did not offer him a hug, that would have been exactly what he needed. If I cried with him, I was making him feel worse. if I didn't, I was a heartless, uncaring person. A person caring for a depressive partner can never win, can never be happy or enjoy life.

I am not trying to make you feel worse, OP, but to make you see something that depressed people very rarely, if ever, see: how their depression affect people who love them.

He took 5 weeks to take care of you, that says a lot! He must be going through a lot himself. Cut him some slack for the one day he needed some time out from this.

This is a horrible problem. I imagine that, while it's horrendous for you, he also feels stressed and helpless. Huge generalization, but men get very frustrated and upset when someone they love is suffering and they can't fix it. Fixing stuff is what men want to do, and when they are faced with something that can't just be fixed like this, that they have no power to help, it is very hard for them. I'm sorry op- it is a very difficult situation. I really hope that things improve for you and your family. A slow road, but keep travelling it! Take the help you can, and be good to you and yours.

Marriage and relationships are hard work. No ones relationship - despite what it may seem from the outside - is prefect. People are muddling through. Those who are dealing with trauma such as depression are having to work twice as hard. Good luck!