Setting Boundaries for DH's XW

[MummaMichelle]

My DH has a young child with his ex. She repartnered years ago and lives with her new man. Because of the child. they have regular contact. Both she and her family are very disrespectful to DH who is a wonderful father.

The ex calls DH during the business day (he works for himself) to ask him advice on various things. She is sarcastic and not grateful for his advice. I do not even call DH during the business day as I know he will unlikely take my call. He seems to take all of hers however.

The ex once called DH at midnight while I was away and demanded that DH come and collect the child in the morning as she could not take care of the child for several days due to some personal issue. She was reportedly frantic. Then she hung up. And would not answer DHs calls and only responded via text when he said he was coming over to get the child now She said the child was sleeping and that she would call him in the morning, which she never did and only responded telling him not to come over. She has never said what the problem was and would not take his calls for days. This caused us both distress as we did not know what environment the child was in.

She sends texts saying she may need to go to hospital and he may need to take the child. When he responds what is the problem, she gets all petulant and says what do you care. When DH did not respond to this she goaded him, with "SUP" and other rubbish later in the evening. Her obvious attention seeking and controlling behaviour makes me angry. I am also disappointed that she seems to get all of her calls and text messages answered in a timely manner.

I have proposed to DH that he should only correspond to his ex via email unless there is an urgent issue.

Is it unreasonable for me to ask him to send her an email telling her to not to call during the business day unless it is an urgent matter related to the child and that furthermore he would like to keep the relationship to a co-parenting one, rather than allow her to use up his time and get him agitated with her abusive manner.

I would like to see email as the main communication as it is durable in case of issues down the track and also there is less likely to be the back and forth that makes me feel like fifth wheel.

It is unreasonable that she be told to stop charging items to his credit card for the child and rather submit an invoice at the end of the month with receipts? The whole back and forth of her calling to say she charged $40 for this or that without consulting him annoys me for some reason. I just do not want to hear from her.

Does anyone have any experience in successfully taming an ex who is attention seeking, greedy, needy, vain and abusive?

heh

Oh goodness, op you are being treated so horribly. I hope you read this post as it is supportive.

As an aside, I am also in Australia and at times have been 'spoken' to so horribly on threads I've started that I've had to hide the thread - even though I really couldn't understand why I warranted such harsh treatment. This thread has got me wondering if it's something subtle to do with how we express ourselves in Australia that makes us misunderstood by people living in the uk?????

Anyway, I think you are in a very difficult position. It's common for men to seem to pander to their ex wives' unreasonable behaviour in my experience. I've had to deal with this in a small way myself. I think it stems from habit and guilt.

All you can reasonably do, is set your OWN clear boundaries. For example, keep your own bank account so that there is a limit to how much his and her spending can affect you. After a certain time at night, cease to pay attention to any texts coming in from her and focus on relaxing. These sound like minor things, but your dh will eventually 'get' it and start to follow your example.

Well there certainly isn't anything subtle about how the OP expresses herself.

I find it bizarre that people are saying this is none of your business, OP...

Anyway, this is about boundaries. Emotional, financial, parental etc. it sounds like your husband doesn't have any.

It's time to establish some, but they can only come from him. No point you putting your foot down if neither of the other two people involved are on board.

Good luck, it sounds like a very stressful situation.

I find it more bizarre that the OP has more of an issue with the above than her husband willingly allowing a child to be put in danger by living with an alcoholic, gambling, drug user. Fantastic parenting on his part right there

I feel sorry for that poor kid, a Mum (who according to the OP) puts drink, drugs and gambling before her childs well-being, a Father who doesn't care enough to do a damn thing about it and a Step Mum bleating on about text messages instead of the welfare of the child.

The OP said:-

My ACTUAL husband would love to have custody but also realises it will be messy to obtain and possibly very damaging for the child.

Well as an ACTUAL good parent I wouldn't give a flying fuck how messy things got between my ex and I in the process of trying to protect my child. And as for damaging... Hello?? This current situation is less damaging? Don't think so.