Setting Boundaries for DH's XW

[MummaMichelle]

My DH has a young child with his ex. She repartnered years ago and lives with her new man. Because of the child. they have regular contact. Both she and her family are very disrespectful to DH who is a wonderful father.

The ex calls DH during the business day (he works for himself) to ask him advice on various things. She is sarcastic and not grateful for his advice. I do not even call DH during the business day as I know he will unlikely take my call. He seems to take all of hers however.

The ex once called DH at midnight while I was away and demanded that DH come and collect the child in the morning as she could not take care of the child for several days due to some personal issue. She was reportedly frantic. Then she hung up. And would not answer DHs calls and only responded via text when he said he was coming over to get the child now She said the child was sleeping and that she would call him in the morning, which she never did and only responded telling him not to come over. She has never said what the problem was and would not take his calls for days. This caused us both distress as we did not know what environment the child was in.

She sends texts saying she may need to go to hospital and he may need to take the child. When he responds what is the problem, she gets all petulant and says what do you care. When DH did not respond to this she goaded him, with "SUP" and other rubbish later in the evening. Her obvious attention seeking and controlling behaviour makes me angry. I am also disappointed that she seems to get all of her calls and text messages answered in a timely manner.

I have proposed to DH that he should only correspond to his ex via email unless there is an urgent issue.

Is it unreasonable for me to ask him to send her an email telling her to not to call during the business day unless it is an urgent matter related to the child and that furthermore he would like to keep the relationship to a co-parenting one, rather than allow her to use up his time and get him agitated with her abusive manner.

I would like to see email as the main communication as it is durable in case of issues down the track and also there is less likely to be the back and forth that makes me feel like fifth wheel.

It is unreasonable that she be told to stop charging items to his credit card for the child and rather submit an invoice at the end of the month with receipts? The whole back and forth of her calling to say she charged $40 for this or that without consulting him annoys me for some reason. I just do not want to hear from her.

Does anyone have any experience in successfully taming an ex who is attention seeking, greedy, needy, vain and abusive?

Back on track. DH has said he has no idea what to do. Well, I do. That is to make the relationship about co-parenting and not whether she has self loathing that she feels like sharing. Not this passive aggressive petulance. Not about how she needs money for her and her man to go out for the weekend.

DH said he doesn't know what to do DH does not like her behaviour. She even recently asked if he (meaning we) would buy her and her man a house in excess of 2 million AUD.

I think that he should send her an email and no longer send texts or respond to texts. They both have iphones. I want the emails because it is not the same as texts in so far as the whole back and forth and he will have a record that is permanent, as long as he does not delete them from his gmail. She plays tricks like claim she sent him details for the kids activities via text when she hasn't and then says she won't send them again. While she could claim the same thing with emails, it would be more traceable when and if there is a custody hearing.

So, my thoughts are that I will urge him to send her an email, telling her that unless it is an urgent matter regarding the child, she should email and that he would prefer that she keep discussions to co-parenting issues only.

He has said he doesn't know what to do. So, I think this is the best way to be clear. Many have already said that my comfort in my own home as she sends text after text allows me no say nor the way extras like tyres and ponies are handled even though it is my money as well. I really don't need to hear that again. I just want advice on refining what he should tell her.

Your problem is your DH (well, combined with your attitude, of course). If he is upset over the way she contacts him, then he needs to sort it. There will most likely never be a custody hearing, as your DH obviously isn't interested in taking care of things himself.

You, on the other hand, keep harping on about what you want. This is not about you. This is between him and the ex. Stay out of it. (don't really care if you don't think you need to hear it again - you don't get to choose what we post)

Advice? Butt out. Tell him to man up and sort it himself.

Many have already said that my comfort in my own home as she sends text after text allows me no say nor the way extras like tyres and ponies are handled even though it is my money as well. I really don't need to hear that again. I just want advice on refining what he should tell her

You're telling us just to tell you we agree with you?

But your endgame is to seek FT custody/residence of your stepchild?

And you are in Australia?

Does your DH (de facto or actual?) want custody?

No, I am saying that I disagree. So anyone banging the same drum is wasting your time. If he is allowing things to impact our lives negatively and has said he doesn't know how to deal with it, then it is my business.

The endgame is a peaceful life. If the ex wife falls apart and we take custody, we have already made plans for that. The fact that we have peace in the interim is not going to affect whether we have the child FT or not.

Does anyone have any advice on how to phrase this so the ex wife will has no doubts over the intent?

My ACTUAL husband would love to have custody but also realises it will be messy to obtain and possibly very damaging for the child.

I have not seen any thread where people are interested in ascertaining the legal status of the relationship. In our country, the piece of paper is irrelevant.

Yup. He definitely traded one bossy wife for another.

I think the whole idea that you're both okay with her having "the child" even though she is (according to you) a drunkard and a druggie but you're irritated over her contacting him is very telling, as is the fact that you took pains to point out that he will answer texts and calls from her promptly but not from you.

"If he is allowing things to impact your lives negatively...".. Yep. There it is. You've said it right there. HE is ALLOWING. HE needs to man up and fix.

Seriously. You send your snotty email. She ignores and continues to contact him whenever. What are you going to do next, follow him around all day and screen his calls? Screen his calls at home?? You do realise you're looking more and more controlling (not to mention slighty unhinged, frothy, and obsessed) by the moment here?

I have not seen any thread where people are interested in ascertaining the legal status of the relationship.

Good grief woman, how long have you been here? Five minutes?

In our country, the piece of paper is irrelevant.

Completely irrelevant in Aus? Didn't know that...

If the ex wife falls apart and we take custody, we have already made plans for that.

Do you know how cold-blooded you sound?

As if you'd happily step over a corpse.

Did I not say ACTUAL? We are married. Not defacto. Not partner. Not shacking up. Married. Legally married. As if any of that makes a difference.

I correct myself. When she completely and utterly falls apart. Not if. We have made plans for that. Saving her is not our concern. She is vain, seeks short term gratification and treats my HUSBAND poorly. She is insecure and has significant amounts of self loathing.

OP have you considered the possibility that your DH is a pleasanter and more empathetic person than you are?

And that if his EXW is in any way troubled, the correct, moral, caring thing is to support her in some appropriate way for the sake of 'the child'?

Yes. I am in Oz and it is very late here. I better get some sleep so I can draft a very snotty email tomorrow. Good night. Y'All.

You don't sound like somebody who should have day to day care of a child TBH.

When she completely and utterly falls apart. Not if. We have made plans for that.

So you're both quite happy to leave an 8yo living with her in that situation. But you don't want her bothering you.

Oh, you're charming, you are.

Your husband needs to define the boundaries, not you. If you are unhappy with the time he spends helping his ex wife then you can tell him that and he can decide how he will manage your expectations -v- her needs.

If you're unhappy with the money arrangement then perhaps separate your account from his?

I'm aware written communication doesn't come easily to some. But your style's uncommonly terse, Michelle. If you're this hostile towards strangers you have asked for support, I dread to think how you come across to your husband's ex-wife.

If my child was living with a coke snorting drunkard, I'd damn well take every call to try and ensure his safety.

But then I'd damn well be putting some lawyers on my $50k credit card to see what I could do about custody...

Wow, your poor husband. You sound like an absolute nightmare!!!!

You only want people to reply if they agree with you? Funny.Ha ha.

Seriously, it's up to HIM. Leave him to it.

You sound like the least caring person on earth at the moment.

If his childs life was so crap because his ex wife is so terrible he would be doing something about it.

couldn't possibly be a case of the new woman just has to slate the mans ex and make up every horrible thing he can about her, could it? I mean, us women always end up being alcoholics, vain, spending a fortune on ourselves, some even junkies ACCORDING to the new woman

As you've been told this is your husbands problem but it does affect you and your relationship.

The access to his credit card needs to be immediately stopped. He needs to send an e-mail not you. He either needs to ignore her calls until it suits him or even block her number so she has to use email.

I understand your annoyance but you need to tread very carefully.

couldn't possibly be a case of the new woman just has to slate the mans ex and make up every horrible thing he can about her, could it? I mean, us women always end up being alcoholics, vain, spending a fortune on ourselves, some even junkies ACCORDING to the new woman

You mean you've heard this kind of character assassination before and it wasn't true Trip!?

Aus not Oz. HTH.

She even recently asked if he (meaning we) would buy her and her man a house in excess of 2 million AUD.

I couldn't decide if the OP was just trying to maintain the "evil ex" persona on this one or was stealth boasting. Since she followed it up with the comment about the credit card with a $50K credit limit, I'd lean towards "stealth boasting".

If OP's DH was REALLY that fussed over it and was making the kind of money she is implying, then he could easily contact a solicitor over this and have the solicitor advise him.

That being said, it seems the OP is much more bothered by this than he is. Wonder why that is....