Setting Boundaries for DH's XW

[MummaMichelle]

My DH has a young child with his ex. She repartnered years ago and lives with her new man. Because of the child. they have regular contact. Both she and her family are very disrespectful to DH who is a wonderful father.

The ex calls DH during the business day (he works for himself) to ask him advice on various things. She is sarcastic and not grateful for his advice. I do not even call DH during the business day as I know he will unlikely take my call. He seems to take all of hers however.

The ex once called DH at midnight while I was away and demanded that DH come and collect the child in the morning as she could not take care of the child for several days due to some personal issue. She was reportedly frantic. Then she hung up. And would not answer DHs calls and only responded via text when he said he was coming over to get the child now She said the child was sleeping and that she would call him in the morning, which she never did and only responded telling him not to come over. She has never said what the problem was and would not take his calls for days. This caused us both distress as we did not know what environment the child was in.

She sends texts saying she may need to go to hospital and he may need to take the child. When he responds what is the problem, she gets all petulant and says what do you care. When DH did not respond to this she goaded him, with "SUP" and other rubbish later in the evening. Her obvious attention seeking and controlling behaviour makes me angry. I am also disappointed that she seems to get all of her calls and text messages answered in a timely manner.

I have proposed to DH that he should only correspond to his ex via email unless there is an urgent issue.

Is it unreasonable for me to ask him to send her an email telling her to not to call during the business day unless it is an urgent matter related to the child and that furthermore he would like to keep the relationship to a co-parenting one, rather than allow her to use up his time and get him agitated with her abusive manner.

I would like to see email as the main communication as it is durable in case of issues down the track and also there is less likely to be the back and forth that makes me feel like fifth wheel.

It is unreasonable that she be told to stop charging items to his credit card for the child and rather submit an invoice at the end of the month with receipts? The whole back and forth of her calling to say she charged $40 for this or that without consulting him annoys me for some reason. I just do not want to hear from her.

Does anyone have any experience in successfully taming an ex who is attention seeking, greedy, needy, vain and abusive?

Of course not arsenic, it's always true.... just like whenever a resident mother gets a hair cut, dyes her hair, buys a new top or has her nails done it's naturally paid for by the kids maintenance, it's not like women have any other income at all, you know

Get rid of your husband.

Life is too short to put up with this shit

If you are that minted and the ex is such a nightmare then bloody well get custody and protect the child. Poor kid with a stepmother like this - breaks my heart.

Your stepchild is living with an alcoholic, self-harming drug user and you're worried about the number of times she texts him?

I think you and your DH may have your priorities wrong.

Texts as well as emails can be kept so I'm not seeing the issue there...

How old was his child, when your husband and his ex-wife split up, MummaMichelle? Why did they split ... was it acrimonious?

"Because of the child. they have regular contact. "

That's understandable and necessary I would have thought.

What sort of contact do you and he have, with his child, your step-child, and how does that go? From your Op it does all sound rather chaotic and I wonder if there is regularity in contact between father and child and where you fit in with that.

It certainly seems clear that there are quite a lot of issues and ... indeed ... bad feeling, between the adults in this child's life, which is a lot for an eight year old to contend with. Are there any other children in the family? Either yours from a previous relationship, or half-siblings to your step-child.

I think rather than trying to restrict communication between your husband and his ex-wife, it would be better for their child (for all children concerned) if you supported your husband in encouraging a more productive communication.

I'll preface this by saying there is a whole lot I'd like to say, but you don't want to hear about it if anyone disagrees with you, so……..

If the CC bothers you, separate your money & finances. That way your DH isn't 'paying for it with my money'.

Seek custody of the child. Anyone with the apparent ability to buy an AUD 2 million house for another person & a 50k credit card shouldn't be fussed about the cost of a 'messy' custody case. I'd think it money well spent, IF I was truly concerned about the welfare of 'the child'!

Text messages can be 'screen captured' just like emails can be 'saved'.

If your (weak-spined) DH is really asking you what to do tell him; ignore any messages from her about herself. Texts she wants to self-harm? Ignore, no reply. Texts she may go to hospital? Reply 'what time should I pick 'child' up?' but no inquiries as to what her problem is. Need a quiet evening? He texts to her 'my phone will be off for the next (insert period of time)' then either do or don't turn it off. See if that affects her 'flurry of texts'.

If your request for 'advice' here isn't because he's truly asked you for help deciding how to approach his ex, but is the result of your bitching about it to him and his response of "What the hell do you want me to do!!?", then my main advice is to 'butt out!'.

Of course not arsenic, it's always true.... just like whenever a resident mother gets a hair cut, dyes her hair, buys a new top or has her nails done it's naturally paid for by the kids maintenance, it's not like women have any other income at all, you know

OP I think you've muddied the waters a bit with some of the stuff you've come out with, but I just wanted to say I totally get it, I could have written some of your post myself.

Sitting at dinner with your loved one whilst being interrupted with a flurry of demanding texts from the ex is depressing and degrading to your relationship. I've been there and subsequently also requested that comms be moved to email unless in case of emergency. DP doesn't really get it, but has obliged and it has helped me significantly.

What can you do? You change your attitude for a start. Your H is an adult, so stop parenting him. Despite his 'I don't what to do' whining, he's not interested in change that requires his initiative. You've given him advice in the past and he has ignored it, what does that tell you.

There is a child in the middle of this and unfortunately she's surrounded by adults prioritising their needs above her's, that's the tragedy here.

Referring to your DH's child as 'the child' is really vile and resent filled OP. I think you and DH's ex wife are insecure in terms of your roles in his life and he needs to address that separately with each of you. Whatever your issues as adults are DH's child did not ask for a place in this world.

"Sitting at dinner with your loved one whilst being interrupted with a flurry of demanding texts from the ex is depressing and degrading to your relationship."

But is that not one of the good things about texts? One needn't read them until after dinner. Your loved one could leave his/her phone in another room, not bring it to the dinner table at all.

The fact that he/she chooses to not only bring his/her phone to the dinner table, but also to read texts during dinner, speaks volumes about his/her manners and regard for his/her dining companion(s), but is not the fault of whoever sends the texts.

This thread is horrible. The OP is upset and a lot of the pseudo 6th form analysis of her writing style is unpleasant. In RL, these conversations are common. Not all RP are perfect MC mothers, sipping lattes and lentil weaving, neither are all step mothers too righteous about their newly we'd status. Step back, think about what is best for the child and stop being so territorial about, what quite frankly, was someone else's.

Can you clarify what you mean by being territorial about, what quite frankly, was someone else's?

Someone else's what?

This is a case where you definitely need both sides of the story. Anyone who calls their stepdaughter 'the child' is going to struggle for sympathy.

Allegations of the mother being an unfit parent but no court action to protect her child.

As for the house request and credit card, without details of their divorce settlement, who can tell whether any of it is fair.

Texts, easy to ignore if one wishes.

Can you really, OP, tell a grown adult not to contact another grown adult? Only if you are the police or a court. Generally grown adults draw their own boundaries.

Evening all. Just checking in on the love-in. We're having a buns amnesty on this thread before it comes to blows, so hand 'em in and we'll say no more about it.
www.mumsnet.com/info/netiquette

Apologies Iona!

Style points, Iona. Style points.

Style points, Iona. Style points.

I bet she pushed her cap up with her thumb too

It is really none of your business. You need to keep your nose out and your mouth shut and let him sort it out with his ex.

If you don't like how he sorts it with his ex and can't cope with the way he co-parents with her, then you need to look long and hard at whether you want to stay with him.

By the way. I wouldn't even tell my ex what my reasons for going to hospital were, and we are pretty amicable. It's none of his business.

Iona, I see your post put to video

I threw up in my mouth a little bit then.

I love that film. It's low brow, but it's fab.

Pass me the tic tacs, HHMF. Blee.