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Original poster

Work crush should I tell DH

68 replies

Choochonu · 25/10/2014 10:48

I've recently started a new role in a predominantly male environment. DH and I have had our moments but I'd like to think our marriage is strong...however I've noticed I've started to develop strange crushes on colleagues where my head thinks they fancy me. They are all much older than me but there is something about them that makes me fantasise about them and want them to pursue an affair with meBlush

One of my crushes I'm working closely with recently gave me a hug after one meeting, which I thought was a bit strange and then the other night, randomly rang me to talk about work and explain how he didn't clearly understand my role and wants to help me with the project as he'd like to get to know me more.

My other crush is my manager who again seems inappropriate at times and last night insisted after a tough day that I join him and colleagues for drinks. Thankfully my female friend joined me as I felt uneasy, but on the other hand I wanted to be on my own with him.

My head is reading too much into all this and good to express here but I'm thinking of telling DH about these crushes and their behaviours as I think it will help? Do you think it's a good idea? I feel like I'm back in school with these feelings do they like me/ do I like them? Just want these feelings to go! Looking back at this it looks a little crazy but I need some clear thinking and advice. Thanks.

OP posts:
NeedABumChangeNotANameChange · 25/10/2014 10:50

I would tell him but then I've always been really honest in relationships. As well once you've told someone it might make the whole idea less exciting.

wooooosualsuspect · 25/10/2014 10:51

Don't tell him, just make sure the feelings just stay in your head.

Iggly · 25/10/2014 10:52

Yes, maybe it is because you haven't been in this situation for a long while?

When you say you and your DH have your moments - what do you mean?

gamerchick · 25/10/2014 10:54

I would tell him then organise some bonding time. Do you get much bonding going on with your husband? It's Important I think.

AuntieStella · 25/10/2014 10:56

I think you've had your head turned by the attention (and remember that all these events could have happened in a female-dominated workplace too).

I doubt telling your DH that you're having a crush will achieve much. But you do need to make sure communication with him is good (and that communication with colleagues stops when you leave work).

Find out now how you workplace handles sexual harassment claims. I hope you don't ever need to use it, but with these circumstances manifesting themselves so quickly, it would be prudent to know.

Handsup · 25/10/2014 10:59

I really wouldn't tell your husband - I think your old and responsible enough to rationalise these feelings without perhaps involving your husband and possibly hurting is feelings.

SassyPasty · 25/10/2014 11:00

Put the shoe on the other foot.

How would you feel if your DH told you he fancied people at work and fantasised about being alone with them?

Are you new back to working (ie SHAM before?)

Are these blokes married themselves?

At the risk of sounding horribly sexist, they may just see you as a bit of eye candy/a challenge to see who can get you to turn your head.

mentaldental22 · 25/10/2014 11:02

Ask yourself how you would feel if your DH told you he had crushes on women at work. Will he become jealous and start to question you when you return from work? I would tread carefully and also ask yourself if these fanciful ideas are something that could become a reality and at what risk to your relationship with your DH.

Preciousbane · 25/10/2014 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Choochonu · 25/10/2014 11:03

Been through some bad patches where DC and life take over and us being a couple take a back seat. It doesn't help he is away long periods in the week.

I'd like to tell him as he keeps asking me if I'm ok as I do think all these weird crushes have made me more distant.

We've been together for nearly ten years so we have passion and then volatility ie rows/ me nagging apparently, but I wouldn't want to walk away as I love him.

Since starting this new job I've felt more alive and attractive. I think attractions are in my head but my colleagues' behaviours don't help my confusion.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/10/2014 11:03

I don't think you should tell him. Certainly not before you've worked out what exactly is going on here. Either you're surrounded by people who really are trying it on all the time or you're interpreting normal friendly behaviour as come-ons. If it's the former, then it's wholly inappropriate behaviour and you need to assert your boundaries, tell people to back off and, if nothing changes, escalate it through HR or line management. If it's the latter, then you've got to take a big step back & behave more professionally.

Is there any chance that, in an attempt to fit in and be liked, you're flirting with these older men?

MrsWolowitz · 25/10/2014 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fredfredsausagehead1 · 25/10/2014 11:06

Do not tell him.

Having experience similar I have always kept it in my head and you need to ride it. It's all new to you and you're in a period of transition and feel lonely.

In a month it two you will look back and think wtf and be so glad you kept it to yourself!

dadwood · 25/10/2014 11:07

If it were me, it would depend on how I think my husband would react. You can't untell him. It should be optional whether you share exactly how you feel about any subject in your own head, it depends on your partner and how open you are with him.
Acting on a crush would be a whole new subject and very likely ill advised.

MamaMed · 25/10/2014 11:09

I don't think you should tell him.

From what you describe, it just sounds like a normal workplace experience. I think you might be over thinking it a bit?

Riverland · 25/10/2014 11:13

It doesn't sound as if you have a crush on someone. It sounds as if you are excited by male attention and want more of it.

Original poster
Choochonu · 25/10/2014 11:15

Thanks all for your comments, I've previously worked in all female environments...this role is more senior than before and I'm one of the few females in the firm.

We need mobile numbers for our work. I did think it was very strange the call he made to randomly chat about work, that crush has started to wane and I'm bit unsure about his actions. My crush on my manager is still there, he is very intense and makes excuses with other colleagues to help oversee my work and offer advice even when I don't need it.

I would never go there due to professional/ credibility and as you said I don't want to be seen as eye candy/ challenge. I think I need to control these lustful feelings and I was hoping telling DH may help. If the boot was on the other foot I think I'd turn insanely jealous!

I'm feeling like a selfish self obsessed cow as I read this back and your helpful comments... Perhaps I should ask you all how do I get spark back in my marriage to stop these silly crushes and to avoid potential office dangers with male colleagues?

OP posts:
GoldfishSpy · 25/10/2014 11:15

I would tell. Secrets in relationships are rarely good.

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 25/10/2014 11:15

I wouldn't tell him. He can't do anything to control your work environment and it's going to be shit for him to know you are feeling like that all the time at work and while he's away. It's not fair.

You need to work on your relationship with your DH and find happiness there, if you can't then you need to leave him before shagging anyone else.

Original poster
Choochonu · 25/10/2014 11:19

We do not have a HR system in place it's a start up and those areas are very loosely organised by some external contact of the CEO.

They are crushes/ me wanting attention. I just want them to go so I can focus back on the usual day to day stuff with my DH, when he's home that is.

OP posts:
Riverland · 25/10/2014 11:21

If it's a newish job, then I'd say give yourself a period of adjustment. Over time you'll get used to the male element around and not feel so inflamed by it.

Your DH is the loyal, tried and trusted person that you have a real heart connection with.

The rest of it is superficial fizz which can easily go flat. All that glitters is not gold!

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 25/10/2014 11:23

It sounds a bit like you are interpreting every tiny action from someone of the opposite sex as something romantic / sexual. Do you have / have you had many male platonic friends? Frankly it sounds like you haven't met any men recently and have forgotten that they are people, just like us. You are only looking at them as someone who might be flirting.
You need to start seeing them in that platonic professional way and stop assuming anything more.

Original poster
Choochonu · 25/10/2014 11:25

I would never act upon those feelings. If I tell DH I think it would hurt him, I think he suspects something as I'm always talking about work which I never did before.

When I say suspects I mean in terms of me being distracted.

OP posts:
patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 25/10/2014 11:26

Oh dear.

Grow up, keep your secrets to yourself, continue with life, try to keep a lid on the flirting.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/10/2014 11:28

If your marriage has no spark you have to treat it as a separate & serious problem rather than making up the shortfall with inappropriate attention-seeking at the office. If you want to stop seeking attention, it's entirely down to you to set your own boundaries and, in turn, what you will and will not tolerate from others.