Work crush should I tell DH

[Choochonu]

I've recently started a new role in a predominantly male environment. DH and I have had our moments but I'd like to think our marriage is strong...however I've noticed I've started to develop strange crushes on colleagues where my head thinks they fancy me. They are all much older than me but there is something about them that makes me fantasise about them and want them to pursue an affair with me

One of my crushes I'm working closely with recently gave me a hug after one meeting, which I thought was a bit strange and then the other night, randomly rang me to talk about work and explain how he didn't clearly understand my role and wants to help me with the project as he'd like to get to know me more.

My other crush is my manager who again seems inappropriate at times and last night insisted after a tough day that I join him and colleagues for drinks. Thankfully my female friend joined me as I felt uneasy, but on the other hand I wanted to be on my own with him.

My head is reading too much into all this and good to express here but I'm thinking of telling DH about these crushes and their behaviours as I think it will help? Do you think it's a good idea? I feel like I'm back in school with these feelings do they like me/ do I like them? Just want these feelings to go! Looking back at this it looks a little crazy but I need some clear thinking and advice. Thanks.

I have male friends but they are gay. I've had previous male colleagues too, only a few but they do not behave like these guys.

I do feel like a silly school girl. I need to try and find ways to put the spark back into my marriage. I think I also need to watch that I'm not coming across as silly and flighty at work.

Yes, you're only in the door - be careful you're not "that girl who blushes and giggles and is clearly up for it". You would be doing yourself a grave disservice.

You have worked hard all your life - don't jeapordise it now.

Can't believe all the people saying don't tell him! What kind of relationships do you all have? If my dh(there isn't one at the mo) came home and said he fancied someone at work I would have a joke about it not question him every time he came home. I don't really see how it would hurt feelings either unless you are actually thinking of your boss whilst shagging your DH? Everyone fancies someone else from time to time, there are lots of beautiful-inside and out- people out there!

OP I think it depends entirely on your relationship. If is is full of jealousy and insecurity don't tell him. If it is secure and you can have a laugh then tell him.

Thanks for your honest answers!

My posts have come across as immature but that's because I've not written down every detail of what has happened to lead to these crushes/ feelings.

DH need to talk but I won't discuss these feelings.

We all have crushes, it is all part of life, married or not. You just have more opportunity right now, don't tell him, he might be crushed. (forgive the pun!)

I have found that startup businesses can contain very self-obsessed people who like to win, particularly high up in the company. I don't mean you. People have referred to them as alpha males here before.

If this is the case, watch out for them, they can be damaging, they are only sincere while they are telling you something.

Yes, you are distracted by new males around you, phoning you and hugging you and asking you to the pub.

Understandable.

Just make a big effort to focus on DH when you are with him. Remind yourself of why you love him and stay with that real valuable relationship, even when your head wanders to superficial distractions.

It's fine to get a bit jazzed by male attention, so long as your husband gets the benefit of you feeling more attractive and awake!

Precious - I'm bored, you're exactly right as we don't have anything other than the DC. Always tired, always rushing around with DC, house, finances...I miss excitement and not having a worry about all this. Again another selfish comment. Not putting myself across well?

"What kind of relationships do you all have? "

The kind where you avoid causing unnecessary hurt and insecurity. In a healthy relationship all kinds of things can be jokey and inconsequential. However if the OP's relationship is rocky already, introducing the idea that she fancies all these people at the office is not going to help and could simply add suspicion and mistrust to the mix.

I also think you need to carefully separate the 'marriage slight problems' with the thing you are going through at work. There is absolutely no way I would tell my husband something like this, it would totally mash his head and for what? So you can vent something that maybe if you were to have a word with yourself, would either go away or you would get more control over. It would not be a kindness.
Once you get to know them all better I reckon the bloom would go off the rose a bit too. Most people have things about them you would be averse to. This is my experience. Don't beat yourself up, it's natural to feel this way. I had a job once and a new bloke started and although he wasn't handsome, was vv attractive because, without putting too fine a point on it, I think he was just oozing pheromones. I was/am ten years older than him and am a tough nut but hells teeth the sexual attraction to him was immense! All the women on the team were affected by him. I strongly feel it was chemical as he was 23 and just oozing it from every pore. A fortnight after arriving he dropped hints about being sexually frustrated due to his religion and the whole workplace became like a powder keg! We are programmed by nature to put it about and it can be hard to fight that OP, it' s just that in the modern world you have to.

I have many male colleagues and often have one-to-one meetings and lunches as part of my job.

As to what is OK and what is not, what I have worked out for myself is that the answer to the following questions is "Yes".

Q1. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

Q2. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?

From your description, it sounds as though a lot of it is in your head. I would suggest setting boundaries in a way that you avoid situations that are inappropriate, such as one-to-one drinks, touching and phonecalls out of work times.

The questions come from this quiz. If you do the quiz, you may find some of the responses helpful.

Thanks again all.

DH is not the jealous type, but his first marriage ended as his exW ran off with a close friend. He would never hurt me and is so loving and a good partner who I love but don't feel the spark with currently. My manager, although the total opposite of my DH gives me strange feelings. He came back from his holidays recently, we were talking for ages about it, so much that he was late for his other meeting. I really enjoy talking to him and learning from him with my work. Interesting I noticed he showed me google images of where he stayed but not the actual photos on his phone, although that could be as he likes to keep work and home life separate. My other crush I now realise could be inappropriate as really he should not be ringing me out of work hours.

Time to book an appointment with Relate although last time (a few years ago) that we went I did feel the counsellor was biased towards DH.

If your DH has already been the victim of infidelity, it would be especially cruel to talk to him about your feelings for other men. If your marriage is boring or drifting, that's a legitimate concern and something you can both try to address. If you don't want to address it and would rather strike out for pastures new, be honest.

I'm not looking for pastures new, more to tend to the pasture I have. Thanks all, this is the reality check I needed on here.

This may sound incredibly stupid but boundaries and putting them up between myself and male colleagues including my manager who I do not want to get on the wrong side of, how do I do that or stop the calls from my other colleague?

Tell them you are married! You can drop it into the conversation every now and again. The alternative is an undefined unstable relationship with them which will end up in one sort of trouble or another.

Well firstly, you don't answer the phone to work colleagues out of hours.

If they say the next day they were trying to ring you, you respond by saying you were out with your DH and since they didn't leave a message you presumed it wasn't an urgent problem and could wait till you spoke next morning.

Professional, work-focused, and gives the message that DH is your priority outside work.

In work? Be a bit less giggly. Not humourless, certainly smile - but no hair tossing and less teeth. Smile as if you'd smile to a woman colleague. There's a difference.

If your manager is invading your personal space - which is how I'm interpreting the description of help when you don't need it - then rearrange the environment (so that they have to sit further away, for example), avoid being alone with them, and decline the help. If someone is calling you out of hours tell them it's not convenient or simply don't answer the phone and save yourself the bother. Also be conscious of your own behaviour. Fine line between being friendly and flirting, for example. Avoid talking too much about personal stuff or joining in with 'banter', especially if there are sexual references. Speak, dress and act professionally at all times. Aloof earns you more respect than being over-familiar.

Thanks all, talking about it on here has dissolved any spark or crush...been chatting to DH about inappropriate behaviour and decided to not mention my crushes. He's bit perplexed but said he trusts me which he should.

Going to see if we can have couple time soon. My colleague tried to ring me earlier (?) but ignored.

I will definitely trying to maintain my distance and keep it professional. I may be reading too much into it all but don't want to have my credibility affected as someone who is seen to be up for it!

You really need to grow up. You sound like teenager.

Thanks Seasons, you are entitled to your opinion. I came on here for advice and if that's how I've come across to you then its not intentional.

Work crushes and flirting are normal and I have been involved in many of them. The vast majority go no further. It's just co-workers making the day go by faster. You can't really project out on them. Just because you flirt today doesn't mean you shag tomorrow.

I just use these work crushes as a catalyst to keep in shape, keep looking nice, care about my appearance. I enjoy the attention, but really, getting attention from men is easy. Never forget that.

The kindest interpretation is that you have found yourself out of your depth and surrounded by handsome older men and just lost yourself a bit. Whatever the reason, you really have to stop and just maintain a very professional calm exterior. Doesn't mean you can't have a laugh and a joke very rarely, but all this speaking out of work malarkey has to be nipped in the bud. It is very easy to nip it in the bud, stop flirting and mention your husband a few times, just be very straight, and they will get the message.

I have gone through phases like this mainly when I am stressed, bored or just fed up, now I am happier in myself I really have very few crushes on my colleagues as I have known them all for years and see them for what they are- ordinary not terribly exciting blokes (the fact you are new means you can be more prone to fantasy). You don't want this to come over badly at work, this is an ideal time to re-set the tone. No harm in having idle thoughts in your head though, no need to say them out loud (I don't want to hear about my husband's crushes, I'm sure he does have them!)

Hi OP, no need to beat yourself up about a workplace crush - as all these other clever people have advised, would concentrate on your relationship with your dh. Re borderline inappropriate coworkers, I've always found it helpful to keep all conversation short, polite and about work. Try changing the subject back to work issues as quickly as possible. Eg. if you're looking at photos of your manager's holiday residence: "Gosh, that looks lovely. So, I've reached point x of project y for client z. Is there anything else I need to take into account?" Or unsolicited offers of help: "Thanks for your offer, I appreciate it but I think I've got the hang of this." Or if your other colleague rings you outside of work hours: "Sorry, can we discuss this on Monday? We're just about to have dinner/go to the opera/bunjee jumping etc." And keep doing that until they leave you alone.