How to be a happy SAHM, close to breaking up, perhaps someone can help??

[hownow]

I will be as brief as possible.

The gist of my problem is - I have a history of depression over the course of my 20s (now 30) I absolutely do have a tendency towards negativity and struggle to keep cheerful. DH & I have a lovely 2 yr old boy (who no longer naps!). I am a SAHM and DS is in pre school 2 mornings a week. I try my best to fill the rest of the time with playgroups, fun activities and playdates. I'm currently finding it very hard to remain positive in this role, especially since he no longer naps, yet it simply isn't an option to return to work. I don't enjoy the relentless housework and don't enjoy dealing with tantrums, whinging, illness etc that comes along with this age. I try my best to do my role well but I'm not enjoying it all that much IYSWIM.

My relationship with DH has really suffered. My self esteem is pretty low due to the fact he wants pretty much nothing to do with me at the moment. Understandably he wants to be around someone who is bubbly, fun, happy. I get it.

I've tried anti-depressants on 2 separate occasions over the past year. Both made me very sick, poorly, sleepy etc all side effects which you can't live with when you have a toddler to care for and can't 'call in sick'. I tried for 6-8 weeks each time then stopped. I've tried to access talking therapies through my doctor but they only offer basic CBT in the first instance (I hear ran by volunteers so wonder if they would be qualified to be of real help to someone with longstanding MH issues?). I have used CBT in the past but feel like a lot of my issues run quite deep and that this just scratches the surface.

I'm wondering if a separation from DH might be the best option? Does anyone have any input? I don't feel that he is at all supportive. There doesn't seem to be much love coming from his side. He says I look miserable when he comes in from work. He makes me feel like a terrible person for having problems. I've heard that a lot of SAHMs are a bit fed up with the drudgery of it all and if that's quite common why doesn't he get it? Why does he make me feel like I'm so bloody awful. I'm wondering if his attitude towards me is making me spiral deeper into a depression?

Sorry so long. Does anyone have any ideas how I can improve my situation? I really don't know what to do anymore. Something needs to change but I don't know what.

Why isn't it an option to return to work? If your environment is depressing and you're bored and frustrated you probably need stimulation.... even if it costs more short term

Adding.... separation from your DH would simply mean you were stuck at home 24/7 and on your own the rest of the time too. Lone parenting has a lot of advantages over a crap marriage but is very restrictive in many respects. If he's being unsupportive get on his case, but start forging a fulfilling life of your own at the same time.

You sound just like me. And my DH has just told me he is leaving me because I was always miserable, negative, critical and he's tired of trying to boost my self-esteem as I struggled through 2 mat leaves. This is all true but I am devastated. So I would be careful what you wish for. How I wish I had just tried to cheer up a bit and maybe now I wouldn't be looking at being divorced.

I can see you have tried to deal with this which is very much to your credit and I know how hard it is to be more positive. I'm just saying I wish I had realised how my behaviour was pushing him away before it is now too late.

Positivity brings positivity just try smiling and seeing the good side and (if you do) tell him you love him. You assume they know but it turns out they don't. Sorry this may not make much sense as I'm looking at this from my perspective. Hang in there I am sure you will be fine.

Why not return to work if you dislike being a SAHM.

For the record, I've been a SAHM for 7 years and love it!

Im trying to see from your OP how leaving your husband would help? It seems like being a SAHM isn't suiting so why can't you get PT work or do voluntary?

I think you need to work towards a job or a plan to get back to work. Sahmummery is not for everyone. If you have a plan you may feel more hopeful. What are the barriers to returning to work?

Or more mornings in pre school? Allowing you a morning or two to catch up/study / whatever?

I think there are two issues which you're trying to address as one. You have to look at them separately IMO.

The first would be that you're not happy being a SAHM. That's fine, you don't have to like it, you don't have to DO it if you don't want to. So if it's not an option right now, you need to look at why and what the barriers are and whether they can be overcome. Now, or later. Having a longer term plan and knowing that it's only for another 6 months or whatever helps a lot, and means that you can look at shorter term coping measures - could you increase the time he's at pre-school, for example?

Obviously you need DH's support to look at options since at the moment he's the only one bringing money into the household (tax credits etc exempted). So that is how the two are linked if I'm following your train of thought here.

If he's not supportive in general then it might be that you feel better generally separated from him. But as others have said, this doesn't in itself solve the SAHM situation. It might be a relief as you're no longer relying on support which isn't there, and presumably he would also have DS for some weekends etc. But on the other hand, you'd be alone with DS most of the time, have nobody to hand him to in the evenings, it's harder to work in general as a single parent (not impossible but hard), there's no guarantee that your DH would take DS at weekends, it's not always something you can predict. I would never say to anybody that they should stay in a relationship they are unhappy in, but is it the relationship making you unhappy or the situation? It might be that the relationship is causing the situation (especially if he's not offering the support that I mentioned, being able to pass DS over in the evenings etc.)

What do you think?

Good Lord, woman, get your DC into a decent nursery and find yourself a job. If money is an issue, claim tax credits.

I agree that work would be good. Do 2 year olds get free hours where you are? When will DS be 3? There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be SAHM, many of us aren't.

I think you should give CBT another go too. I spent most of my 20s depressed, ending in a breakdown and suicide attempt, and it was CBT that 'fixed' me (haven't been depressed since). You do need to find someone good but it's worth a try.

I wouldn't make any big decisions about your marriage until you try to change some other things and see if that works.

I don't think that CBT or medication will work if it's the situation which is making you unhappy.

Why is working not an option? If it is, go back to work.

I am a SAHM and I know it can be very hard and very easy to get depressed. someone gave some advice on here which sounds a bit rude but actually really helped me: you just have to get on with it and suck it up. No point feeling resentful about DH not getting how much you do, no point feeling angry that the role is not respected, no point complaining that you don't get sick days like other people. All this stuff may well be true, but it's not going to change unless you go to work. Focus on how YOU can enjoy it more. Sack off the housework a bit. Who cares if the house is a bit dirty? Get DS to join you in doing stuff that YOU like instead of (well, as well as)just him- focussed stuff. Plan things in the evenings that you like doing. Go out for lunch at least once over the weekend so you're not cooking and washing up AGAIN (we go to a greasy spoon on Saturdays which is, yes, unhealthy but cheap).

Also, anti depressants.

Once you've done all this if it STILL seems like things would be easier separated from DH, well, perhaps you're right.

I think CBT can help you get out of a unhappy situation though, Bertie, if that's what the root problem is

Some people just aren't cut out to be SAHP. You can change your behaviour and to a certain extent your outlook, but you can't change your essential self, and if being solely a homemaker doesn't float your boat then it just doesn't. I know I would never have been able to hack it. If I were you I'd look into some way of working, or volunteering, or doing pretty much anything that doesn't revolve around entertaining/restraining/servicing a small lively person or household chores (rewarding though both can be some of the time).

As for your H, I don't know why he doesn't get it, probably because the only way it affects him is that you aren't all full of the joys of spring when he gets home. A lot of men (and depressingly many women) seem to think that a woman who is also a mother ought to like nothing more than being at home with a toddler and that there's something wrong with her if she doesn't. If he loves you he should accept, even if he doesn't understand, that this doesn't work for you and that you need a different source of stimulus in your life. Unless he's the reason working is "not an option", in which case I'll be the first to shout yes, leave!

Ask your GP for another anti depressant and try again with finding a talking therapy. Unfortunately (I know its very hard) it is up to you to tackle your depression, your dh might simply not be up to the job.

Sorry I meant to say anti-depressants are worth persevering with, because when they do work they make such an enormous difference.

I too would go to the gp and try a different ad, I don't think it is necessarily a good idea to look for work whilst you are so depressed.
When the ads work they can change your life 100% better and then would be a good time to find a nursery and job.
Not everyone enjoys being a sahm, I love it and would never work but we are all different and there is no shame in wanting to change your life.

I was a SAHM for 10 years and this age was bad. I had a toddler and a baby, and I have suffered from depression.

I wonder, though, how much you and your DH have shared the parenting of your son, and the chores when your DH is not at work.

In the short term I would up your child's number of mornings and address any inequality in the amount of free time you are getting.

And you don't have to relentlessly do housework.

I also heartily recommend voluntary work. There are so many different types pf activity that could get you out there, interacting with the non toddler related world, acheiving things that are visible right now (not just cleaning), and being thanked for it.

I wonder if DH just does not get it? Perhaps he could try a week of it? He would need to promise to do all the things you do, and not leave a trail of destruction. Looking after DC with another adult is very different to the day in day out drudgery of the SAHM, especially when you have a toddler.

It is a very lonely and thankless task isn't it?

Try not to make your decision regarding your DH until things with your toddker have calmed down, this was the most stressful time for our relationship. I am eying this period with trepidation since I will be going through it again shortly. I am thinking going back to work might be a good idea.

Achieving, not acheiving

Wow, so much good input and food for thought.

Cabs1 - thank you so much for your comment. I have a feeling things could end up the same way and I'd be filled with regret. I have written down your words whilst I make a note of some practical steps to take. Thank you. In a perfect world people would love us unconditionally but clearly that's not life - nobody wants to be around someone negative. Kinda shit for those of us who struggle to be anything but :( I'm so sorry for your situation.

SeptemberBabies (and I think there was someone else who also said they loved being a SAHM but I can't see their post now) - perhaps you could tell me how you structure your day, how you stop yourself getting bored, what things keep your spirits up??? etc. I'd love to hear the ins and outs from someone who has made it a success.

I will book in the CBT and give it a go even though I'm reluctant too.

I also have a Mindfulness book and CD program here which I've just received so will crack on with that tomorrow as DH is taking the littlun out for the morning.

I know a few of you suggested another go at anti-d's but I really can't face that right now. I appreciate that I may need to seriously consider it again soon but not this week. I do understand how much of a difference it can make, it did do for me many years ago.

I know many of you have asked about work but I don't really want to divulge the ins and outs of why/why not right here. Angelina - you're right, so completely right - I need a plan. I feel in limbo right now. If I knew at a specific point in the future I would be back doing X then it would lighten the load and give me an end date for this current period in my life! I need to think about this and make some steps towards working things out.

Plantsitter - great advice thanks :)

Iwillorderthefood - God, I would LOVE to see him try a whole week of it! But that will never happen. It sure would help him gain a new perspective.

So, another long post but any SAHM who love the job PLEASE, PLEASE post with any tips, ideas, strategies etc. I'd love to take a glimpse into your life and see if I can garner anything new which might help me over the next few weeks while I take some practical steps to lighten my mood.

Thank you mumsnetters x

I'm currently a sahm. I miss my career and I do struggle with the monotony and the drudgery.

But - if I'm in a shitty mood I give myself a reality check: Yes I'm tired but at least I'm not trying to give a presentation to clients/deal with customers/teach 30 wild teenagers. I can wear joggers instead of a uniform.

If I'm bored silly of the house work then I try to remember back to doing the housework AND working.

I go out twice every day. Once for a walk - this really helps, regardless of my mood or the weather. And once to a baby group (or to the pool, or to meet friends etc). So by the time we've done our "activity" we eat, wash, go for a walk, read books and look forward to daddy coming home.

I constantly remind myself how special today is (mindfulness) - one day DS will be a grown man and his baby years will be cherished memories rather than exhausting experiences (...chasing him around as he attempts to eat the house plant or climb into the dishwasher) And most important - I tell myself to look at DS, really look at him, and remember just how very blessed I am to have a beautiful baby boy.

I agree with posters who say go to work or find something for you....something that makes you feel that you are more than just a mummy, you are you!

Lovely words singsongmama, thank you.

Well, I am not a SAHM as I much prefer working, but a good tip I saw on here was to organise each week with a theme like nurseries do. So, for instance, this week could be trees. Look at some in books, go to the park, pick up leaves, make pictures with them. Construct them from cake and eat them! Also, get a regular weekly evening thing going - one where you have to interact with other adults.

When I was on mat leave I found making sure I did things at set times was helpful - library toddler groups and so.

There are good ideas of things to do to entertain toddlers in Jo Frost's Confident Toddler Care book.

Fresh air and exercise are good for feeling low. Also colour - sounds mad I know, but a colourful exhibition or even the towels section of a big department store can be cheering. Have things in your house you use everyday that make you smile. Book something enjoyable for the 3 of you a few months ahead so you've got something to look forward to.