How to be a happy SAHM, close to breaking up, perhaps someone can help??

[hownow]

I will be as brief as possible.

The gist of my problem is - I have a history of depression over the course of my 20s (now 30) I absolutely do have a tendency towards negativity and struggle to keep cheerful. DH & I have a lovely 2 yr old boy (who no longer naps!). I am a SAHM and DS is in pre school 2 mornings a week. I try my best to fill the rest of the time with playgroups, fun activities and playdates. I'm currently finding it very hard to remain positive in this role, especially since he no longer naps, yet it simply isn't an option to return to work. I don't enjoy the relentless housework and don't enjoy dealing with tantrums, whinging, illness etc that comes along with this age. I try my best to do my role well but I'm not enjoying it all that much IYSWIM.

My relationship with DH has really suffered. My self esteem is pretty low due to the fact he wants pretty much nothing to do with me at the moment. Understandably he wants to be around someone who is bubbly, fun, happy. I get it.

I've tried anti-depressants on 2 separate occasions over the past year. Both made me very sick, poorly, sleepy etc all side effects which you can't live with when you have a toddler to care for and can't 'call in sick'. I tried for 6-8 weeks each time then stopped. I've tried to access talking therapies through my doctor but they only offer basic CBT in the first instance (I hear ran by volunteers so wonder if they would be qualified to be of real help to someone with longstanding MH issues?). I have used CBT in the past but feel like a lot of my issues run quite deep and that this just scratches the surface.

I'm wondering if a separation from DH might be the best option? Does anyone have any input? I don't feel that he is at all supportive. There doesn't seem to be much love coming from his side. He says I look miserable when he comes in from work. He makes me feel like a terrible person for having problems. I've heard that a lot of SAHMs are a bit fed up with the drudgery of it all and if that's quite common why doesn't he get it? Why does he make me feel like I'm so bloody awful. I'm wondering if his attitude towards me is making me spiral deeper into a depression?

Sorry so long. Does anyone have any ideas how I can improve my situation? I really don't know what to do anymore. Something needs to change but I don't know what.

Thank you for the ideas! I like the idea of a weekly evening thing. I can't think of what I could do but will look into it.

Obviously if you do all that and your OH is still being unsupportive, it may not be you...he may just be frustrated though. My DSis found being at home with small DC very lowering and stressful and it was quite hard for the rest of us too, as we didn't know how best to help, and she didn't want our help anyway.

Evening class - painting, making stuff, foreign language. Swimming or other sport. Dancing. Choir.

I'm a childminder and I have looked after children where the parents aren't necessarily working but do just need a bit of time for themselves and to get stuff done. Sometimes it is just for a few hours a week but it makes a real difference to the parent.
Obviously I don't know your financial position but would paying for some childcare be an option at all?

I went through a similar stage when my dc were at this age,a very good friend recommended a fantastic book,Buddhism For Mothers,it explains the concept of mindfulness further.
I was a bit reluctant as I had thought of Buddhism as more of a religion,but it's really more of a philosophy.
I can really hand on heart say it is a life changing book.Im going to re-read it again as it could also help in my current situation,as I'm in process of separation.You can download from amazon,on to kindle/Ipad too,Its really worth a read.

I think one of your major problems is your dp. I, for one would hate to be around someone who was bubbly and fun all the time. What a shallow wearing existence that would be.

Is your dp a shallow sort of a person?

I'm a SAHM at the moment after being made redundant a few months ago.
The only way I keep my sanity and stay happy is that I do things that I want to do. I don't mean in a selfish way but I don't fill my days with toddler activities.
I use my time to go to places I want to go, meeting up with friends that I want to see and visiting family.
I do a toddler group, swimming with toddler and library but the rest of the time I'll be chilling with friends or going to a gallery or whatever I fancy.
Today, I was tired so I spent the afternoon lying down on the sofa watching a film while toddler napped.
I'm not going to feel guilty about it and I don't think I should run myself ragged being the perfect mum and housewife. I do whatever needs to be done but I also take a lot of time for me.
I think people put a lot of pressure on themselves these days and SAHMs can often end up putting themselves last.

Hownow

I'm not sure if you meant me upthread, but I said I loved being a sahm.

I'm not sure if this helps though as it was the structure I couldn't cope with, sorry.
The baby classes and meetings knowing when I was going to the library, what time tea was going to be done etc was boring to me.

I think this is good advice from others though because I know it works for the majority, I'm just a bit freaky and thrive with chaos and disorder.

The structure I did enjoy though was knowing what time was for me, even if it was just a long bath with scented candles, a good book and dh for a good cuddle on a Tuesday night. etc.

Keeping hobbies or interests and finding new ones as well, if you find something home based as well as away from home, you have something for the times you can't go out so much.

Finally, I hate housework, domestic stuff, cooking and cleaning.
So as I wasn't rich enough to pay somebody I made sure I brought the kids up to be able to do their bit and dh has always shared quite a lot considering he works ft. If there's something you hate doing do something about it rather than becoming resentful.

Lilaloves - I will download a sample of that book now, thank you.

Orangeanddemons - erm I guess perhaps he is a bit shallow. He's not deep! He doesn't seem able to handle any kind of negativity or upset and doesn't know how to deal with it. He can't offer comfort and can't string together a sentence of comforting words.

I know I could have picked better in this sense and I sometimes wonder if I can spend the next 50 years like this. But on the other hand men aren't driven by emotions in the same way women are and I get that living with someone who tends towards negativity is probably not great.

It's a difficult situation - is it me or is it him? Would the relationship be working if I was functioning without depression? Wish I knew.

Just a thought - do you think your DP resents you being at home while he works? My exH used to, bitterly. He imagined me living the life of Riley, coffee mornings, shopping, sitting around the house all day whilst the children brought themselves up, the washing and ironing sorted itself out, the groceries magically appeared...you get the picture. Whereas he slaved away on long lunches, enjoyed intelligent conversation with other adults and found plenty of time to shag the office bike to earn money to keep his lazy wife in shoes. Still makes me fume all these years later!

Ha, the weekly evening thing.
I have done loads of them, but when older dc were little I did belly dancing, it was amazing.
Not at all like I imagine most people would perceive it
Wouldn't do it now though.
Now most evenings are ferrying dd, watching tv, doing my indoor hobby, listening to music, here of course.

Lindy2 - we pay for 2 mornings and could increase. Money isn't too much of an issue, thankfully. I guess I'd just feel wrong/lazy somehow to use more childcare when I don't work or have another baby to tend to.

Spellcheck - perhaps a little but he does want me to raise DS rather than have DS in nursery. He does think it's a much easier much nicer existence than it realistically is. Sorry for your situation - exH sounds awful.

SAHM here.

1. Go out every morning not at pre-school, toddlergroup, library, park, shopping
2. Meet friends at any /all of these for adult conversation
3. No nap - quiet time after lunch if at all possible, DVD' make sure you get time to yourself then for mumsnnetting
4. Any activities you enjoy? Baking, crafts, digging in the garden, tidying, food prep - get toddler helping / join in

Or invite friends round for playtime

Ask pre-school what toddler likes best and do more of it!

Find something you love and do it - hobby/sport etc and ensure your DP supports you. Reading group, knitting circle, study, something for you.

Our mums didn't have this problem of what to do with the kids as they had to do the even more mind numbing time draining chores and the kids just got on with it, so I tell myself this every so often.

hownow

If extra childcare would help your situation though, you shouldn't feel guilty. I never used it at all but I would had I needed to, and if it will give you time to work on something for your future, to make it better then you shouldn't feel guilty or lazy.

Do you get time to yourself, time to go out on your own, time to mix with just adults, where talk is not about the kids? This was one of the things that drove me nuts.
Did you work before? Did you enjoy what you did?
Its very hard to go from a position of equality to one where you are unhappy and perhaps feel what you do is a load of drudgery, and often not valued much by society (or our partners)
I think the non-stop, no break, no end in sight-ness of it all can be absolutely soul destroying too, however much we might love our child.

How much does your DH look afterer your son alone?

The more I read, the more I think his lack of insight, and possibly sensitivity is the problem

Is there something you would like to do then, so you dont feel lazy (though if you are doing ft childcare and housework there is no way on earth that you can be 'lazy')
maybe study?
there are tons and tons of free online courses. Or work towards something to keep your skills in while you are out of the workplace?

Also, music / radio when at home. I have certain stations on for certain shows Kids love Fun Music radio station, make dancing /music time part of your day, lifts the spirits too!!!

so has your DH decided that you should be a SAHM, but not really considered whether its something you want to do. How about a PT job or some self employed work?

I also used extra childcare when I was struggling (childminder once a week for my the baby, whilst the toddler was at playgroup). I felt guilty at first, as if I was spolied and there was no justification for it and I should be able to cope. But it kept me sane.

I also asked my DH to take the DCS out every Saturday morning so I had ime alone.

I agree with Nettle here.

did you share all housework before you had the baby, and does he now get an 'easier' life because you are at home? ie, just works and can put his feet up when he comes in and do a bit of happy play with the baby while you get dinner.

Is this where your 'its lazy to rest' attitude stems from?

Yes, wondering that myself.

It's not OK if he wants you to be a Sahm to make his life easier and respnsibilities towards the home and your son less.

If this is indeed what is happening