How to be a happy SAHM, close to breaking up, perhaps someone can help??

[hownow]

I will be as brief as possible.

The gist of my problem is - I have a history of depression over the course of my 20s (now 30) I absolutely do have a tendency towards negativity and struggle to keep cheerful. DH & I have a lovely 2 yr old boy (who no longer naps!). I am a SAHM and DS is in pre school 2 mornings a week. I try my best to fill the rest of the time with playgroups, fun activities and playdates. I'm currently finding it very hard to remain positive in this role, especially since he no longer naps, yet it simply isn't an option to return to work. I don't enjoy the relentless housework and don't enjoy dealing with tantrums, whinging, illness etc that comes along with this age. I try my best to do my role well but I'm not enjoying it all that much IYSWIM.

My relationship with DH has really suffered. My self esteem is pretty low due to the fact he wants pretty much nothing to do with me at the moment. Understandably he wants to be around someone who is bubbly, fun, happy. I get it.

I've tried anti-depressants on 2 separate occasions over the past year. Both made me very sick, poorly, sleepy etc all side effects which you can't live with when you have a toddler to care for and can't 'call in sick'. I tried for 6-8 weeks each time then stopped. I've tried to access talking therapies through my doctor but they only offer basic CBT in the first instance (I hear ran by volunteers so wonder if they would be qualified to be of real help to someone with longstanding MH issues?). I have used CBT in the past but feel like a lot of my issues run quite deep and that this just scratches the surface.

I'm wondering if a separation from DH might be the best option? Does anyone have any input? I don't feel that he is at all supportive. There doesn't seem to be much love coming from his side. He says I look miserable when he comes in from work. He makes me feel like a terrible person for having problems. I've heard that a lot of SAHMs are a bit fed up with the drudgery of it all and if that's quite common why doesn't he get it? Why does he make me feel like I'm so bloody awful. I'm wondering if his attitude towards me is making me spiral deeper into a depression?

Sorry so long. Does anyone have any ideas how I can improve my situation? I really don't know what to do anymore. Something needs to change but I don't know what.

OP it's tough being a SAHP but the key is to work out how to make it work for you. I've been a SAHP now for 6 years (like you I can't just go back to work for a number of reasons I can't go into) and I treat it as my job. For example, I consider my working hours to be 7-7. (That's quite long enough for me thanks very much ). In that time, I work my arse off making sure the house looks great (I'm a bit anal), the washing done, folded and put away (ditto), admin up to date, shopping bought, meals planned, cooking done (i dont enjoy cooking but dont like processed food, so i cook from scratch every night), kids well cared for and looked after. I get all this done by 7 every night and the evenings and weekends are my own (not that I do much with them mind, I'm old and totally knackered!). I do not lift a finger after that.

There are things that I have decided are outside of my remit: ironing (at any time), most cooking and laundry at weekends, wake ups at night - so I don't do those, and I think for me having very clear boundaries helps. I also have a cleaner one every fortnight to help with the jobs I can't get round to with the baby in tow and I don't do baby groups. Ever. I meet friends for lunch once a week and take the baby out for coffee a couple of times and we do the school run. That's quite enough stimulation for a one year old! We have a ball most days. If I get a bit down (and I'm prone to depression too, I suffered with it before I had kids) I put the radio on and dance with a small person till I feel better. Or tickle one of them. Or I shout. Being a full time parent doesn't mean you have to be perfect, all you actually have to do is to define your own terms and meet your own standards.

It helps that I have a supportive DH of course and what greatly helped this is that he was out of work for a while when DC1 was a toddler and I worked for a couple of weeks done did the childcare - he knows how soul destroying it can be. He was totally miserabe after to weeks f it and quite desperate to go back to work. Can you leave your DCwirh DH for a long weekend so he gets a flavour of what you are up against?

Please consider joining a gym. I had lots of friends at the last gym I went to and knew a few people at the new gym I have joined. Get chatting to random people and stay behind for coffee etc. before you know it you will be so busy you won't have time to be bored. We even go on Yoga retreats abroad. Our yoga teacher organises so many things that if you went to them all you would never be at home.

also you dont need to entertain the toddler all the time - its good for them to be able to play by themselves and even be a bit bored too sometimes.

I agree with working towards a plan. Because if you are totally miserable being an SAHM it wouldn't be a good thing to continue to be indefinitely. Why not start thinking about what you would like to do careerwise when you do return to work. In the meantime could you go to college for a morning a week and study a language or something else you are interested in. They usually have a creche.

Probably not the best time at all to make a huge decision such as leaving your husband. You need to be straight in your head before you can make such a monumental choice x

Does your history of depression start before you met your current H? He sounds like a big part of the problem to me - he wants you to be SAHM and he complains that you are not sucking it up and knowing your place...

I coild have written your post when a sahm with dd. What turned it around for me was :-
Learning to drive...shamefacedly i couldnt til she was three and i was stuck, friendless and depressed.
Dd doing 2 Whole days at nursery. I got some time for my own head back. Time to get the house in order, to exercise again, to read a damn book occasioanlly, to think, to snooze when i was exhausted. This is what made the biggest difference.
Exercise was a HUGE turnaround for me. I signed up for a 5k and then a 10 k and i ran 3 nights a week amd did a day class once a week. My Energy levels shot up, i met new friends, I was out of the house, i ate better...honestly i swear it made things SO much-better. I swear the NHS should be facilitating exercise as much as other therapies. Its amazing.
I hope you find your key. Be assured this stage doesnt last forever....and actually after 5 years we had our second and it has been SO muchbetter. I love beinga sahm now and hate having to think about workingagain now no2 is at school. :)

Gym / exercise suggestion definitely noted. I've been meaning to sign up for the last couple of months but will as soon as DS back in pre school after half term. Think it will do me good on many levels.

Yes - I have had depression before this relationship but yes, DH doesn't exactly help matters. I do think this is something I will need to make massive steps to resolve entirely on my own. Only then will I be able to see if there's any love left to salvage.

On a side note - has anyone been through an incredibly rough patch in a relationship (little physical affection, no quality time, bickering, resentment etc) and managed to turn it round? Is it possible when things have deteriorated significantly?

There is so much excellent advice on this thread. I agree that treating being a sahm as a 'job' is a good plan as is getting out the house.

I was also happy to ignore my kids sometimes, honestly it's good for them.

Yes to help and yes to sending your DS to a childminder for a few more hours.

Having a toddler about is hard for a lot of couples, I don't think it's unusual to go through a tough patch. I think it's easy to forget that having little kids is hard for fathers as well as mothers. I'd often have a lovely day with the kids then it would all go pear shape just before my DH got home. The kids were tired and fighting and I'd be knackered too. I'd just want to sit on my own for a bit while my DH would want a chat. I think some men feel sidelined.

It all gets a lot better very quickly as they get older.

I could have written your post several years ago - you do come through it although that doesn't help much at the moment (or at the time I wouldn't have believed you!).

I agree with all the other suggestions about me time, exercise, doing things you want to do (rather than toddler activities all the time) and having some time that is just for you - where you don't do housework, chores. Just even a couple if hours to enjoy being on your own ( and don't feel bad about not doing chores) but can I also suggest that it's important to find some time to connect with DH too.

We really weren't that in to each other for a long time. We'd both put on weight, were exhausted, probably a little resentful of each other's lives and socialised separately - it was easier than finding a sitter. But then we realised we were barely communicating ( other than what time will you be home for tea). We came very close to splitting up - not something either if us wanted, but on some level I thought it was his fault I was so miserable/ depressed.

We are now trying to prioritise 'us'. Making time to go out together - even if just for coffee while kids are at activity and to actually plan nights out / going for a walk together. Simple things but it's making all the difference to how we feel about each other and has got us talking about us again. I think its really important if you do want to stay together.

Good luck!

hownow - It's not that men aren't emotional like women, it's that your DH is vastly different to you. That level of mismatch is difficult to live with. Maybe fine when things are bumbling along, but a bump in the road is only going to highlight your inherent personality differences, particularly if he has no time for depression, or even a more negative personality.
I've been with someone like this. My natural state is pessimist, and I err towards grumpy. I was with someone who couldn't deal with it. Didn't like me when I was down, didn't like me when I was overly happy either. Could only deal with a solid middle and got annoyed with anything else. It's draining.

What I read is that your husband wants you to stay home and be happy and is cross at you that this is not possible.

He isn't really putting your emotional needs or your happiness first at all is he? You are basically the sacrifice so the home and his needs and your child's needs are all met- but yours aren't at all.

My husband suggested I return to work when I had my first as I was clearly not cut out for SAHP and felt very angry, isolated and fed up in that role and practically used to bite his head off when he walked back through the door. It was the best thing I ever did, I love having an external purpose, like my work, get a feeling of reward from it. It is quite hard but then money is an issue for us so no cleaner, no childcare- if you could pay for those things and work part-time or even full-time it would do you the world of good.

Research shows working out of the home is protective against depression for women.

I applaud your efforts to make the best of the situation you are in, and mindfulness will help, but my feeling is that your relationship in which you lack autonomy and support is making you feel worse tbh, and it's all a bit sticking plaster given that you aren't really living the life you have chosen for yourself, but one chosen for you by someone else to some extent.

Things change your child is two, plenty of women do return to work or voluntary work if money is no issue, if your husband is not behind this, why not?

If you don't want to return to work and prefer being at home, that's different, but that's not what you said- and you do seem very suffocated by the homelife (and depressed which is really not a good state of affairs).

Can you do something just for you when DS is at preschool the two mornings? Go swimming, jogging, a gym, a long walk.
Don't use that time for house work.
Use it for you.

I've been in your DH's position, and i just because he's struggling with this does not necessarily mean he doesn't love you any longer. It's hard to see the person you love be so ill, it's hard to be around so much negativity, and frankly it sounds like he is not mature or emotionally ready enough himself to manage it. Other people have given so much wise advice about your relationship and the fact it might be very sensible to return to work.

I just wanted to add - it's really really really worth going back to your doctor about CBT and (again, I know) antidepressants.

The medication would have barely started to work in 6 weeks. The side effects can be terrible, but given that you are so depressed and looking at separation I would really urge you to at least give it a shot to work out what the upside could look like. For my DH, in 8 weeks we saw flashes of the old him and by 4 months he was so much better.

In the meantime, at least counselling might help you sort out your thoughts. It could also be helpful for your DH to gain some perspective and also to give him some time to think about ways to help instead of detach.

I worked out that the more I tired ds out the longer he'd sleep when we got home.
So get your wellies on and waterproof trousers.

• puddle jumping
• collecting treasure (sticks, pretty leaves, stones)
• teddy bears picnics
• fairies leave treasure in trees you have to find (nicked off mumsnet, leave sparkly sweets in the trees for him to spot)
• gardening if you have one
• farms if you have a nice local one (I shunned the big £20 a ticket ones for £4.50 local)
• national trust membership if you have a few local and can afford it
• duck races in a stream (don't forget the net to catch them)
• long walk followed by hot chocolate and marshmellows.
• let them pick dinner, draw pics of the ingredients and help find them in the shops - even better if they can help with dinner (but I'm not sure on your child's age).

Natures great as a mental health healer and a way to re-engage with your child. Get outside, you'll feel better they will sleep better so you'll be able to get stuff done.

Mines just started school and now I feel how you do, depressed and lost with no self esteem. So I'd suggest trying to make a plan for that.

Love your post chocolategirl

OP thank you for this post - has helped me articulate my fears (planning no2 and if it happens working will no longer be viable for me) about not being able to work. I wish you all the best.

Great advice on this thread I think.

Yes, to your last question. We had a whole rough patch for years while I was a SAHM - I did not enjoy the loneliness of this, although I am glad that I was around to do so many of the things we have with our kids. I went back to work FT last year, and we are getting better and better in our relationship again. Some of this was that he did not relish being the sole breadwinner, and now that I am working again, there is the option to move job for him.

For me, I coped better when I started retraining through part-time study at college for a new career. Initially I attended on weekends every 3 weeks - allowing him to look after kids - and I used preschool time to study. It gave me something to talk about, met other people, deadlines to meet. Moved onto weekly study later, which was better as could use nursery for childcare. I'm much happier now I'm back at work, but I don't think I could have coped with FT when they were smaller as DH was away 3-4 months a year in up to 10 trips. Just too hard with no free childcare (grandparents etc) available to us.

Lots of things were deteriorating with us the longer I wasn't working. He'd started to get a bit "I earn the money" when we've always shared the pot. And wasn't sharing chores the way we always had (he's picked it up again now).

Wish I'd found part-time work years ago, really.

All in all I wasn't working for 9 years, but studied for years 5-8, and did voluntary stuff/ 4hrs paid a week for the last year as I tried to find work.

Could you have your son at nursery for one full day a week, as well as another morning. Then dh could pick him up after work.

A full day would give you a 'day off' every week.

I agree that the more you post, the more I do think your husband is a big part of the problem. Clearly being SAHM is not making you happy yet he still wants you to do it??? This is not because he's a man who doesn't do emotions -- plenty of men would not act like that.

I think mindfulness and activities are all great ideas but it's just a plaster on the bigger problem, which it sounds like your DH has no consideration for.

I have decided to use the pre school mornings and Saturday morning for myself to go to the gym. It's hard to put yourself first and prioritise your own well being but I am going to do at least that.

I think I need to spend a month working on myself, implementing all the wonderful practical advice given here and then see how I feel. I do feel very resentful that he does completely detach from me and is cold and incapable of offering any comfort. And I do believe there are kinder men out there but I've made a commitment to him.

The poster just upthread who retrained - what did you retrain as if you don't mind me asking? To return to work I do need a career change and I'm at a loss as to what I could do that has some element of flexibility or part time option. I'd to love to hear ideas from anyone about that!

I try to look through my children's eyes and see how exciting and fresh the world is to them. And I remember how privileged I am to be able to go on a journey of discovery with them.

If someone says they are struggling to be a sahm then posters will always diagnose a return to work. IMHO this only works if your DP is willing to step up to the plate in terms of housework. Otherwise you get stuck with the drudgery as well as all the frustration and constriction of work. You lose the wonderful autonomy of having a preschool child, and miss a lot of the magic as the time you have out of work is taken up with the million things that still need to be done.

I haven't read the posts. But does your dh take over on the weekend?

With the dc that is, to give you a break and so he has better understanding.

I used the pre-school mornings to return to horses and I'm now retraining as an accountant. If I didn't retrain I'd have to go back up work on minimum wage and start again. I didn't want to go that.

I think that it's not helpful to excuse something as "men in general". You're not in a relationship with "men", you're in a relationship with your husband who is an individual. If his level of emotional intelligence isn't enough for you, that's okay. You don't have to make allowances for the fact he is a man. There is a far greater difference between individuals of either sex than there is in general between the sexes. (I know you've decided to give it a go, which is fair, but I wanted to say that :))

I retrained as an EFL teacher. That's useful for me because we live abroad so plenty of opportunity for work here, but it's extremely flexible. (And I love it :)) What do you enjoy doing? What did you used to play/do the most as a child? That's often interesting to explore.

I did not enjoy being a SAHM once DS was over about 3. Actually I was really upset when I first returned to work when he was 2ish, but then I was so glad I'd done it. I worked in a shop initially and it was just nice to have another "me" if that makes sense. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I didn't like being a SAHM because it was all I'd ever wanted to be. I even wanted to home educate - I couldn't. I feel guilty about it still sometimes. But sometimes you just have to accept that you're not going to like everything in reality even if you like the idea of it.