Hurt by husband comments

[peg90]

Hi everyone,
This is my first post so apologies if abbreviations are wrong or I'm not making sense.
Small background, I've been with dh for 4.5 years and married for 1.5. Generally everything is good but he's been caught out lying to me before (twice) one of which made me leave home for a few days. That's sorted but I don't really trust him.

He always says I can look at this phone whenever he wants so I do (have only done this 3 or 4 times as I'm a generally nosey cow).

Long story short, I was on his whatsapp yesterday and found some messages from June when he was working in malta. They were to one of the guys he works with saying that the women in malta are hotties and that he was in the mood to see some titties. Neither of these words are ones I've heard him use before. He then said he could smell tits within a hundred feet.
I know this is such a pathetic small problem but it's eating me up and I have no real interest in speaking to him. He knows how much I struggle with self esteem and my feelings towards stuff like this. He also sent a photo of what looked like a strip club to the same bloke at that time.

I don't know what I'm expecting from you all but just had to write it down and try and get some opinions. I don't really want to bring it up with him because he'll get grumpy that I've been snooping. (I realise this is a major problem but it's just what I do).

Again, I'm sorry if this makes no sense and if I've offended anyone with my snooping.

Thanks x

he sounds disgusting...sorry

He's a disrespectful, untrustworthy arse. Do you want to grow old with this 'man'?

That's the thing, he's never normally like that. Everyone comments on how different he is from 'normal' men although they don't see his sulking. Feels like I'm married to a child at times.

Could this be a case of 'showing off' to his mates?? Being 'one of the lads'? Maybe that's how they all talk. I know that's a poor excuse, but some people are 'followers' and will do and say stuff to fit in.
I'm not saying it makes it right by the way, and I understand why your upset, I would be too.

If he said you can look at his phone whenever then it's not snooping. You should front up to him about it - and yes you should bring it up with him however grumpy he gets. Marriage is built on trust.

Thanks for all your replies. Yes it could be showing off but wtf is wrong with men that they need to do it?! It's pathetic and just bloody hurtful. I just feel like I'm being so dramatic over something that he's probably not had a second thought on.

I would lose a shitload of respect for my husband if I saw he was capable of such objectifying codswallop and would in no way rationalise it by saying he was "showing off"

13yo's "show off" about this kinda stuff

How pathetic

I would call him on it, personally, and ask him how he would feel if a daughter/sister etc of his was referred to in this way

I have a bunch of make friends who I sometimes go out with and their language and behaviour is SHOCKING. These are men with degrees, wonderful jobs, gorgeous families, would probably even call themselves feminists but when they've had as few beers and are 'bantering' they say the most appealing and horrible things. I don't really think any of them 'mean' what they say. I'm not defending them. I have no idea why men can be such cocks when they're in a bunch. I wouldn't take it personally.

Don't you think it's very weird how you describe him as not normally like this but he has another side which you didn't know? It may just be 'talk' but to me I would be concerned about whether this person I 'know' is someone else behind my back. Seems like he is because every man is not like this.

What were his earlier lies about?

Tits don't "smell"

His knobbery is not even based in fact.

He knows how much you struggle with self esteem. He knows you disapprove of the sex industry (reading between the lines of your OP). You don't want to bring it up with him because he will be grumpy, yet he has given you open unlimited access to his phone.

What about your feelings? Are you going to put up with feeling hurt and disgusted to avoid making him feel grumpy? You are important here!

You either confront this or it festers.

I'm sorry but this behaviour does not reflect well on him. He is talking to his mates like a misogynistic teenager.

Yuck yuck yuck

Sorry OP but that made my stomach turn.

He's not some mammary bloodhound.

I can't fathom the brain that would think this sentence never mind write it.

It wouldn't even be a trust issue for me - anyone vile enough to think that way about women wouldn't get within 10 feet of me.

Sorry he sounds truly awful

He sounds vile, and slightly odd. I'd feel very uncomfortable being around a man who could think of women (real, live, human women) in this manner.

Well I've brought it up but now he's sulking n making me feel bad for saying. He said "isn't it obvious it's just bravado between the boys?" Erm no its not which is why I'm pissed off/upset. Reading back what I've written, he sounds like a right pathetic arse.

Goldfish he lied the week before our wedding that he hadn't been to a stripper on his stag. I'm not stupid n expected that they would go n would have been fine with this but he blatantly lied like a 5 year old. The other time was drug related but I don't want to get into that.

Thank you all for your comments, bringing it up was the best thing to do and despite him stropping like a little bitch, I feel like an incredibly small weight has been lifted.

So he's a sulker too then?
Do you want to expand on that?
I'm sensing there's a whole lot more making you unhappy.

He's lied twice, at least once bad enough for you to leave, that you KNOW about.

It's true some people will talk badly to fit. It's possible to understand that, but still decide to hold out for a man that doesn't.

He sounds like a shit.

I'm not keen on "stropping like a little bitch", OP. Let's not call stropping something that women do - clearly, men do it.

That aside...

You really want to be with a guy who goes to strip clubs when he's away with work? Really?

I mean, really. I don't like the stag do stripper thing, but some would argue about "tradition". But going to a strip club when off with work - just seedy. Who would want that man?

Cabrinha which part would you like me to expand on?
It just seems that he's the same as every other man despite saying he's notm

He sounds like a prize knob.

His banter is pathetic, he's got no right to expect you to trust him after lying to you about the stripper, and he has/had a drug issue...people without issues don't lie.

He is a stroppy git, and he isn't worth the time. Let him go and behave like a child somewhere else, you can do better. That small weight that has been lifted will grow much bigger if you tell him to sod off.

Its distasteful. However, I've seen women use similar words and worse talking about men.

"Little bitch"??

It sounds as though you're quite happy to accept a certain level of misogyny. I wonder how else his bravado comes out? Are racist terms ok?

It's strange having people who don't know him comment. If I spoke to friends they would probably just tell me that's what he's like etc but you've made me see it clearer. The only thing is, I'm such a cow to him sometimes that it probably isn't his fault.