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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hurt by husband comments

79 replies

peg90 · 23/10/2014 18:50

Hi everyone,
This is my first post so apologies if abbreviations are wrong or I'm not making sense.
Small background, I've been with dh for 4.5 years and married for 1.5. Generally everything is good but he's been caught out lying to me before (twice) one of which made me leave home for a few days. That's sorted but I don't really trust him.

He always says I can look at this phone whenever he wants so I do (have only done this 3 or 4 times as I'm a generally nosey cow).

Long story short, I was on his whatsapp yesterday and found some messages from June when he was working in malta. They were to one of the guys he works with saying that the women in malta are hotties and that he was in the mood to see some titties. Neither of these words are ones I've heard him use before. He then said he could smell tits within a hundred feet.
I know this is such a pathetic small problem but it's eating me up and I have no real interest in speaking to him. He knows how much I struggle with self esteem and my feelings towards stuff like this. He also sent a photo of what looked like a strip club to the same bloke at that time.

I don't know what I'm expecting from you all but just had to write it down and try and get some opinions. I don't really want to bring it up with him because he'll get grumpy that I've been snooping. (I realise this is a major problem but it's just what I do).

Again, I'm sorry if this makes no sense and if I've offended anyone with my snooping.

Thanks x

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 23/10/2014 20:19

OP in your opening post you said you don't really trust him. Personally if the trust is gone then it's only a matter of time until the love goes too. A relationship without trust is built on rocky ground.

Is this really how you want to live your life? Living with someone that you don't trust?

Vivacia · 23/10/2014 20:20

The only thing is, I'm such a cow to him sometimes that it probably isn't his fault.

I'm struggling to imagine how you could behave that could make a man who respects women say things like that.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 23/10/2014 20:26

What do you see in this sulking, objectifying, sex industry using, drug taking man then ?

Any good points ? At all ?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 23/10/2014 20:29

He is not "like every other man"

Your standards are far too low if that is how you let him justify his nobbery

Did you "being a cow to him" make him morph into a woman-hating prick ? Because that is hpw his behaviour makes him look, and I don't care whether this is normal in your circle or not

It's not normal in mine, and I wouldn't wish it for you either

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 23/10/2014 20:31

mynewpassion I would judge women who used phrases like that too

"sulking like a little bitch" ?

OP ?

Original poster

peg90 · 23/10/2014 20:34

To all the posters who have started having a go at me, I came on here because from months of reading posts on here I thought I'd get help. I haven't asked for opinions on myself and quite frankly I'm having a hard enough dealing with this so I would appreciate it if you could stop the attacks.

At the minute Im struggling to see/remember good points but there must be some.

OP posts:

DollStar · 23/10/2014 20:40

I would not be happy, but you did look, so you have to take the consequences. Saying that, he hasnt come across very well has he? Can you look past this indescretion or is it the last straw?

Vivacia · 23/10/2014 20:45

Where do you feel you have been attacked?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 23/10/2014 20:46

I think people are just picking up that you've maybe accepted and absorbed some of his bad attitude to women, so that you now describe him as "sulking like .."
It isn't really having a go at you peg
I think it's just asking you to think why you'd describe his sulks in such a way?

But back to the point you're asking for help with ... no, his attitude doesn't sound good nor easy to live with

MexicanSpringtime · 23/10/2014 20:55

So it is your husband who says he is not like other men? Methinks he doth protest too much... In fact I have never known a man who made a point of saying they are not like other men and I wonder what concept of other men he has?

The only man who ever hit me was vociferously against dv.

Cabrinha · 23/10/2014 21:01

But why are you even trying to work out his good points? Doesn't matter if he's occasionally funny or kind or whatever - he thinks it's fine to make creepy comments and go to seedy strip clubs. What good pints make that OK?

And if you are a cow to him, then by all means go to Counselling yourself and work out why... but it is NOT the reason he stares (or more?) at strippers.

I was only ever a cow to my XH when I just couldn't bear his lies. Without trust, you can't respect someone. Without respect, it's over.

Cabrinha · 23/10/2014 21:04

And What kind of argument (from your friends) is "well he's just like that"?
Yes, he is.
Which is why he's an arsehole.

sammy90 · 23/10/2014 21:07

I don't think that it is right for people to post msgs on here if people aren't here to be supportive to someone when they feel they need some good advice.. Op just wants advice on a problem not more problems. But op to be honest I wouldn't stand for whether we have a family together or not. One step out of line and he's gone for good. It's sad that you have had this horrible experience on you first actual post, but MN is starting to get a lot of trolls on here now, so beware if you prepared to stay on this site.

Vivacia · 23/10/2014 21:12

I don't think that it is right for people to post msgs on here if people aren't here to be supportive to someone when they feel they need some good advice.

OP has received good advice, even if she can't remember any of it, after being apparently over-whelmed by the "attacks"

I think posters are right to challenge sexist remarks, in the same way I hope that they would speak out against racism or homophobic comments, for example.

honeybunny14 · 23/10/2014 21:16

I think this is a case of him showing off. But those comments would bother me if my dp made them.

SpanielofDoom · 23/10/2014 21:23

What "horrible experience" ?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 23/10/2014 21:29

I think that it is entirely appropriate to point out that this op is buying into her partner's misogynistic use of language

If that was happening to me, I would want it brought to my attention

changeznameza · 23/10/2014 21:50

peg - please be kind to yourself. None of this is your fault (his lies & sulking, I mean)

He needs to show you that he can be honest and trustworthy

You have every right to demand that

Good luck and I hope it works out and that he sees the error of his ways

changeznameza · 23/10/2014 21:55

PS surprised there's so much outrage about visiting a strip club on a work trip and then lying about it. I think (sadly) this happens THE WHOLE TIME and we just don't hear about it

I do not condone it, btw

ladyblablah · 23/10/2014 21:56

I'd rather be single that live with that shit

GoldfishCrackers · 23/10/2014 22:01

He lied about some pretty major things (going to strip club and drug use) and you left him, so he agreed that you could check his phone? But you don't want to check his phone because he'll strop. A prediction that turns out to be correct.
OP what if after the previous lies he'd said no you can't check my phone and I'll still go to strip clubs behind your back. Would you still have gone back to him?

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 24/10/2014 09:37

As a caution Peg, men that tell the DW or DP they are welcome to check their phone anytime may have another phone!
It sounds like he is pushing your boundaries but not fully crossed them yet. Maybe decide in your heart what you will and will not be a future dealbreaker and stick with it rigidly.

loloftherings · 24/10/2014 10:39

A large majority of the men I know and have known have been very crude and objectify women when not in earshot of women.
A lot of time it is bravado and fitting in with the boys.
Most of them are in happy relationships.
Some of them are total shits.
Some of them would visit a strip club, leer and make comments and yet still love and respect their wives.
I would say it's very very common for men to make these comments to their mates.

Vivacia · 24/10/2014 10:53

Some of them would visit a strip club, leer and make comments and yet still love and respect their wives.

Is what people refer to as the Madonna-Whore complex?

loloftherings · 24/10/2014 11:13

Is what people refer to as the Madonna-Whore complex?

I don't think so. Doesn't that imply they don't want sex with their wives too?
I guess lots of women can talk about intimate stuff with their female friends and a lot of them can be pretty crude and wouldn't necessarily want their partners to hear.

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