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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

"I love you but not in love with you"

59 replies

kas1234 · 22/10/2014 16:40

I'd really like to know if anyone has ever been able overcome rough patches where the above has been said. I don't want to go into detail but I desperately don't want to loose him.
I would really appreciate hearing some positive tales. Please nothing like 'theres plenty more fish in the sea' - I really want to get through this, it was all very sudden and 3 weeks ago we were completely fine!

OP posts:

CoteDAzur · 22/10/2014 16:41

It's another way to say "I don't love you anymore". I'm sorry.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/10/2014 16:43

Sorry, but no. That's one of those bridge-burning statements like 'I've not been happy for some time'.... 'I love you but it's not enough any more'... that, once it's out there, makes everything else turn to shit. It's also very common for them to be code for 'I've met someone new'.

I really wanted to get through it as well but the OW won the day. FWIW If I was to ever be presented with that situation again I would tell the other person to sod off and stop wasting my time.

Maintain your self-respect at all costs.

sanfairyanne · 22/10/2014 16:46

its usually code for 'i am having an affair'
if so, yes you can get over it as a couple but not until it is all out in the open

KlokkenVin · 22/10/2014 16:46

I agree with Cogito. Tell him to leave then. Your dignity will comfort you in the future. Sorry :-(

VileStatistyx · 22/10/2014 16:47

What does he want?

Because it takes two and no matter what you want, if he isn't working together with you, you can't 'make it work'. He has to want that too.

I love you but... generally means I don't love you but I am a massive coward and don't want to say it. Or it means you are comfy and I like my house clean and my dinner cooked, but I'm shagging someone else.

Does he want to try to bring the relationship back to life? Is he willing to go to therapy with you, to try to work at it?

LuluJakey1 · 22/10/2014 16:48

Depends what is happening and what he is saying and what your relationship is.
Are you married or living together - if so how long?
Are you dating? How long? How serious has it been?
Is it just a new relationship?
Have you got children?

If he is saying it is over and he just wants to be friends, I think you have to accept that. If the relationship is short- term, let him have some space and get on with your life. Don't be available.

If it is a marriage or live in partner, does he intend to leave? If he does he must think he is sure. But again, I would give him space. That is much more difficult, especially if children are involved.

If you make yourself available and get emotional, he is likely to back off completely.

If you live your life, don't contact him and see what he does, he may well start to reassess.

That is what I think but you might think it is twaddle.

overmydeadbody · 22/10/2014 16:48

What they mean is that they care about you (because you are familiar to them) but they don't love you any more.

Being 'in love' is not real love, and is far stronger and deeper than being 'in love'. In your case OP he sounds like he doesn't love you, and doesn't even know what love is.

areyoubeingserviced · 22/10/2014 16:50

He doesn't love you .

areyoubeingserviced · 22/10/2014 16:51

Agree about maintaining your dignity. Let him go.

StopStalkingMe · 22/10/2014 16:54

There is no coming back from it, I'm afraid. You can't change how he's feeling about you, even if it makes no sense. Listen to him and accept what he's saying as his truth. Don't waste another minute trying to convince him otherwise. Please, please, please just let him go and you keep hold of your pride and don't go chasing after him.

GoatsDoRoam · 22/10/2014 16:55

It means "I'm a bit fond of you, but I do not want to be with you as a romantic partner anymore."

Positive: You will soon be free, able to re-centre yourself, focus on what makes you happy, and with time, you will thrive. You are not thriving at the moment, in a relationship where this has been said.

Quitelikely · 22/10/2014 16:56

Are there children? Does he want to leave? How long have you been together?

The reasons for that statement are IMO, depression, midlife crisis, OW or genuine decency in that he has decided its time to move on.

Either way I think you need to do what you can to maintain your self respect.

teenagersknowall · 22/10/2014 16:56

i think i'm being dumped! By my friend. We've known each other for about 8/9 years. Get on well with similar hobbies etc. Things changed when i moved house. She also wanted to move, unfortunately they didn't sell so she's stayed put. Since then she has shown absolutely no interest in our new house. Never asks what we're changing, what we're doing etc. I have also taken on more work and am not as free as i used to be. She seemed to resent that as well. She now has her own job and seems very happy with it thank god. I don't worry that she's bored. However, i am very fond of her and still want to maintain our friendship. But it has been a hugely difficult and challenging year. She rarely texts me now, but when i get in touch with her she is pleasant and suggested a walk the other day. (first time in ages) I just am confused. The question is: should i confront and say, are things ok? or just ride it? It's on my mind all the time and i feel so hurt that she can't show happiness for me and my famiily in our new home.

LuluJakey1 · 22/10/2014 16:59

I am baffled. A friend? I don't think any of my friends are in love with me. I don't understand your situation. Is she a friend or a partner?

GarlicOctopus · 22/10/2014 17:01

Teenagers, did you mean to post on a different thread?

Georgethesecond · 22/10/2014 17:03

Teenagers - I think you need to start your own thread, love.

OP - I think what you are being told is true. My husband is leaving this weekend. I think he has depression and mid life crisis on his list of reasons, but I also think he doesn't love me as a wife any more. He won't go to counselling. I don't think there is anyone else yet but I expect there will be soon.

Original poster

kas1234 · 22/10/2014 17:10

There isn't any Children (thank god), but we have been through a lot together.
A member of his family had a blotched operation which has resulted in some mental health problems. they are currently on mental health ward voluntarily. He suffered with his mental health before I was with him as far as I can tell in his teens. Its something we've talked about but not at great length. He visited said relative with me for the first time 3 sundays ago (I have visited her on my own before, and because he had left it so long to visit, although she is getting better it is a shock visually- weight loss etc.) and since then everything has fallen apart. We were fine for the first week, then we saw each other that weekend (we don't live together- I am at university on my own at the moment) and he was very down but I made sure we went out and tried to cheer him up. He left that sunday and said he wanted to spend his birthday alone which was on the tuesday. I sent gifts etc, and 'Happy birthday' text but otherwise respected that. We saw each other that wednesday where he basically tried to end it but didn't and left lots of his stuff at mine as a promise that 'he would come back' and he 'just needs space' I grated that even though it was painful.
recently I've been texting him and he has been replying. I want to know what is going on and how we've come to this. I must admit I probably have been a bit much. I have got desperate, but not quite full on psycho bitich yet. I asked him if he was ready to talk on the phone and he said yes and that then led to a conversation where he said he will come and visit me tomorrow evening.

He says there is noone else and he cares for me deeply. At first I thought it was all just depression talking but now I don't know. This is obviously the short hand of the story there are other bits and bobs.

OP posts:

VileStatistyx · 22/10/2014 17:13

You're young and you've got no ties. Painful as it is, you have to accept it if he doesn't want to be with you any more, for whatever reason. He has the right to end a relationship that he feels isn't right for him. you would expect the same, wouldn't you?

Original poster

kas1234 · 22/10/2014 17:14

I know. I think I'm just in shock really. it was all so sudden. I just don't understand whats happened. I'm shocked at myself too- I would have never believed I would be able to work myself into a state like this.

OP posts:

overslept · 22/10/2014 17:15

I'd actually say that it could just be a bad patch regardless of what others have said. You didn't give a lot of detail and nobody knows your relationship better than you, all replies are based only a tiny but of text from total strangers so remember that.

Did he love you before? is it a fallen out of love or was it a "love but not in love" from the start?
I split with my ex and I loved him but was not in love with him, he felt the same about me. We had been together for 5 years and through a huge amount of change/growing up. We maintained a friendship and still talk sometimes because there are no hard feelings, however he could be cruel and say awful things towards the end and I had stopped caring. We realised we were better apart and were adult about the whole thing. Sadly he realised he was still in love with me only after he left, I considered having him back but chose to move on. He didn't cheat, was never abusive etc, we just grew apart. The thing that made him love me again was looking at me with new eyes and it sinking in that I was capable without him. In a way me getting "me" back, the more I was going out with old friends and having fun the more he saw I was still the same as before it was just his way of looking at me that had changed from living together and him seeing me all the time ( we lived together for the 5 years).

LemonDrizzleTwunt · 22/10/2014 17:15

Yep. It's over.

I tried to work through this many years ago, and just ended up getting fucked over. He told me on the phone for fuck's sake! And then I did the 'pick me' dance, although there wasn't an OW.

The only things that my staying did was eat away at my self-esteem, make me unhappy and give his ego a decent massage.

Yes, it sucks to be you right now, but it'll suck harder if you hang around waiting to be dumped, like I did.

overslept · 22/10/2014 17:24

actually I better correct that, he did cheat once, at the start of our relationship (about 2 weeks in) was honest about it, never did again etc. So although I never forgot, it wasn't an actual reason for the relationship grinding to a halt.

Original poster

kas1234 · 22/10/2014 17:28

Thanks overslept, a big part of me feels like its just a rough patch - the fact that he says he doesn't know what he wants and that there doesn't seem to be a solid reason for anything. He's almost effeminate in his feelings, and has always been more delicate than me in many ways. I do believe him when he says there isn't anyone else. He has been head over heels in love and would talk about it a lot. whereas I was a lot shyer (that didn't ruin it btw, he knew me and knew I love him even if I didn't say it all the time).

Im sorry, I just don't really have anyone to talk to. I haven't told anyone about him wanting to leave me and I think his mum is the only one that knows. That coupled with the fact that he is my best friend and I really don't have any other friends I can talk about things with.

OP posts:

StopStalkingMe · 22/10/2014 17:40

You'll never understand it really, sweetie, because even they don't understand it! That way madness lies!
My ex left me and it could have been any one of these things: mid-life crisis, depression, aspergers, bereavement, physical illness, asshole-ism. The cause doesn't matter so much as the fact he treated you poorly, to say the least. A good man, even in the depths of depression, bereavement, with aspergers going through a mid-life crisis still wouldn't hurt the one person who loved and supported him the most. That's what assholes do.

What you can understand is that you deserve more than half-measures. That fact you can count on as your truth.

porridgeforbreakfast · 22/10/2014 18:22

Hi Kas1234.
There are a lot of man-haters on MN who will instantly tell you that he's a bastard and you should forget him....they said that to me when I posted a similar problem...
But I CAN give you a positive story. My DH said that to me. We worked out what had gone wrong and we worked hard at putting it right again. I can honestly say that we are happier than we have been for a long time and are having the best sex we have EVER had!!!
Don't give up hope. Only you know the whole situation. Don't listen to complete strangers who only know snippets. If I had listened to them, I would be a very lonely, sad person now. But instead we (Me & DH) feel like honeymooners again.
Feel free to PM me xx

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