"I love you but not in love with you"

[kas1234]

I'd really like to know if anyone has ever been able overcome rough patches where the above has been said. I don't want to go into detail but I desperately don't want to loose him.
I would really appreciate hearing some positive tales. Please nothing like 'theres plenty more fish in the sea' - I really want to get through this, it was all very sudden and 3 weeks ago we were completely fine!

'Man haters'?

Even though there may only be snippets, there is a principle at stake ie. self respect. When someone tells you they feel ambivalent, the demeaning thing to do is to cling to their metaphorical ankles begging them to love you again. Be strong OP and avoid that trap.

There is probably someone else.

In my experience it means one of two things: best case scenario - "I haven't yet met someone else and want to continue to shag you till I find someone better"; worst case scenario - "I've already found someone else but haven't got the balls to tell you."

Yes, maybe one person in a thousand turns it round from there (Porridge), but the other nine hundred and ninety nine do not. And as one of the nine hundred and ninety nine, I'd like the five years of my life that I wasted back. Play the odds on this one - and the odds say "walk away with your head held high" - specially as you are very young, there's no children involved. Find someone who adores you, be happy on your own - but do not waste years on the "pick me dance".

(BTW, not man hating - I bet if you asked your male friends they'd give you the same advice as the majority of posters on this thread - and I have given the same advice to male friends who were being jerked around in similar way by their girlfriends. Don't quite know why I'm bothering to say this as it is obvious to anyone with half a brain. But I have this kind of reflex which has to challenge people spouting anti-femist shite.)

I said it to DP some time ago, lucky for me he doesn't read Mumsnet I suppose. There was no one else, never has been. In fact, I'd just turned someone else down without a second thought.

I think what I meant by it was that our relationship hadn't been making each other happy, or rather it had been making me unhappy whereas it had continued to meet his needs. I was therefore feeling resentment and it was hard for me to see him as 'the one' or, before I get flamed, 'one of the ones' (as I'm pretty sure there is more than one person out there who I'd be able to build a solid, loving relationship with).

It was also a sign that I was stressed. When I'm stressed I withdraw (I'm not particularly insightful, my ex DH pointed this out after our split and I have to admit he's right). It's as if I can't handle emotions, whether positive or negative, on top of anything else that's going on. Perhaps seeing his relative has put him in a similar place?

I think the best thing, and the yet the hardest thing, to do is to ask him how he's feeling in general terms. Resist the urge to fill awkward gaps and try not to react to what he's said until he's finished speaking.

Porridge, put down your crack pipe.

The OP's h has told her he isn't in love with her. How is being a man-hater remotely relevant. And being a man-lover won't win him back, if he's a prize, which I doubt.

Well, my DH said the same to me 18 months ago, told me at the time he was having doubts when we married the previous year. He was very stressed for a whole number of reasons, actually had a near fatal heart attack 3 weeks after he moved out.

I didn't try to argue, certainly not beg. We separated for 6 months but have gradually renegotiated everything and it feels ok at the moment. He tells me he loves me regularly. Looking back, he remembers feeling very trapped by life and I was the easiest person to lash out at.

So I would say it's not a great thing to hear and generally can't imagine it bodes well but I never really felt it was real in our situation. But I imagine I'm in the minority.

Commonly a phrase associated with them having an affair or having depression.

It can sadly also mean that someone has fallen out of love with you, but I personally believe you fall in and out of love with someone many times over a long relationship and the question is whether or not you are committed enough to stop yourself jumping ship when that happens.

Fair point, Bingo. Part of our problem is that we have made no formal commitment to each other (DP's wish) so when times get hard it's easier for me to think 'sod it'!

I know what you mean save but really, there's a lot to be gained from working through rough patches and ups and downs to get to deeper, richer love.

The question is whether or not he is worth it to take that journey, and also if he feels the same.

I've felt like this about an ex boyfriend. I knew I wasn't 'in love' with him anymore, although I cared for him, but I felt for him more as a friend. We split up.

My DH has said the same. Complete shock, as wasn't expecting it just assumed we'd always be together but looking back I see we have drifted apart and neither of us was happy. He works long hours, I was always negative about how hard it was running the house and kids and working too. We just stopped communicating and he emotionally withdrew over the last 6 months. It's been about 2 months now since he told me. He won't go to counselling as he doesn't want to reconcile. This is after 15 yrs together, 10 yrs married and 2 kids. Pretty devastated, he's a good man and am sure there is no-one else. MN is a help. He's still in the house - thinks we will stay friends!

Bingo, we've had a week apart due to illness which has given us lots of time to talk over the phone (which seems, oddly, easier than talking face-to-face).

The upshot is that we're going to try couples counselling rather than give up.

I'd forgotten the good points of our relationship and was becoming very resentful. I may be wrong, but I think he could see a repeat of his last relationship happening so he was withdrawing too. I don't know if it'll work but I'm glad he wants to give it a go.

Sorry for thread hijacking, Op. Cabs1, unmumsnetty hugs as your situation sounds so painful.

OP, you say you're at Uni at the moment. I don't know what age you are, but the opportunity to study at Uni is wonderful, and I'd be sad to think it's being marred somewhat by this relationship. There must be lots of super clubs, activities and social events for all the students, and then there are your studies including coursework and so on. Can you perhaps focus on all these positive things, and 'turn down' the heat of this unsatisfying partnership with this man?

It would,sadly, appear that this man isn't 'in love' with you, is unsettled in himself and is dragging you down into heartache and misery, at a time when you should be revelling in University life. I'm afraid he doesn't want to be with you any more. It isn't dignified to hang on for grim life to him.

A real love isn't tinged with yearning and pain, it's wonderful and joyful. I do hope in the future, perhaps when your studies are over, you'll find the right man for you, and you'll experience the happiness which this relationship can't provide.

hi save don't worry about hijacking if it helps people then thats great.

I've had a shower and spoke to my mum and I'm feeling a lot more positive. He is certainly not a bad/nasty/cruel person but rather a person in a bad/nasty/cruel place. I don't wish to put any blame on him at all. He has also actively contacted me in the last hour just 'hoping you are feeling better' text and we had a short conversation. I'm going to lie low for a bit you know and see how things progress. I know some people will say that I am being spineless and need to get rid/move on whatever but for now I'm just going to play it by ear.

I do agree with Bingo in that you can easily fall in and out of love with someone in a long relationship, however I know many people will think I'm kidding myself.

Thanks, Kas. Could you try building up your life so you do have other friends? This will make you less dependent on him to satisfy all the emotional needs you have, which might take the pressure off a bit.

I think there are so many different understandings of what 'love' and 'in love' mean. It's generally not until a relationship starts to go wrong that we even think about whether both partners have the same ideas. One person might take for granted that love goes through ups & downs, even disappears for a while, but will wander back in after a while. Another might simply not see any value in hanging around after 'in love' has worn off.

Certainly people's understanding of what love means can change, but I doubt it's ever happened due to a partner's insistence. The decent & respectful thing is to let them go.

save yes I have been trying to do this for a while. it is defiantly a strain on him at times which I do understand. although there are other factors involved there too.

Octopus - I really haven't been overly insistent. its has mainly been him contacting me first. thats not to say I haven't contacted him first but I haven't quite been throwing myself at his feet sobbing.

My husband said this to me 2 years ago, and we're having our first child together in February and our relationship is the strongest its ever been. It has been a rough road to get here, though.

And he was having an affair- and I think nearly all men who say this are. It's a way of assuaging guilt. I would look into that.

I would be a very lonely, sad person now
You can't possibly know that.
You might be with a person who doesn't make you feel unloved and who worships you. You might be in an even better loving relationship.
That's just it. No-one knows.
The main thing is that this 'line' is 90% of the time code for 'I'm having affair or I've had my head turned and I think I can do better'.

Staying around, trying to figure him out, trying to look for clues, trying to be better, trying to please and sparkle...will just get you precisely nowhere. And, he will still leave. And you will hate yourself for abasing yourself, and for being less than you are in order to try and keep him.

Yup. Been there, got the T-shirt.

And guess what I found out today? He had another emotional affair.....she is now his girlfriend. I'm absolutely kicking myself for what a stupid mug I was. Please, please, please..............don't be me!

Good post Laqueen

Sadly I think you are right LaQueen - and you describe exactly how I am trying to approach this whilst deep down knowing it's pointless. I will try to take your advice and maintain my dignity. Thanks MNers.