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Original poster

21 year age gap

64 replies

WhoeverYouWantMeToBe · 20/10/2014 16:18

My partner and I have been together for nearly 2 years. We get on with each otherâ??s dc/family really well and our relationship is fantastic. The only â??issueâ?? is he is just over 21 years older than me. Me being 28 and him 49. The age gap isn't noticeable at the moment apart from when he references things from before I was born.
I am quite a practical and pragmatic person unfortunately, and recently I canâ??t help but ponder (and worry) about the future of our relationship or how things will be in 5, 10, 20+ years time (39 and 60 sounds like an even bigger age gap for some reason). I really would love more dc and he does too, despite his age, but again I have reservations about going ahead with that due to his age. I am concerned I will have elderly parents and an older partner to look after (and Iâ??ll still be working), and - if we did have dc - dependent children to look after as well. And the thought of growing old alone makes me feelâ?¦. I have been making more of an effort to live in the moment and not stress about the future and just go with it, as no-one can predict the future. BUT I feel that with such an older partner the odds of the issues that concern me do have a much higher risk of happening. On the other hand I think itâ??d take a stronger woman than me to end such a good and happy relationship just because of the age gap, the idea of leaving someone I love makes no sense. How can I stop worrying and overthinking about all the other stuff though? Argh.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoeverYouWantMeToBe · 20/10/2014 16:20

Urgh sorry for all the random symbols in there think it's because I copied and pasted it from my phone to MM Hmm

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 20/10/2014 16:23

The alternative to living with a much older partner isn't living alone!

I'm mid-fifties and I know I don't want to live with someone in his mid-late seventies.

You are both at completely different stages in your life. You will be working for twenty years while he's retired. You will have to cope with the lose of virility just at a time when you're feeling at your best, sexually. Once he gets too old, you'll feel cruel if you leave him.

I would think again if I were you.

Stuckinastorm · 20/10/2014 16:24

My dh is 18 years see than me, have 3 dcs was never an issue before, until a few months ago he had an affair with someone 24 years younger than him (I'm 28, he's 46).... Now I see the age gap. And how much of a child he acts

ImperialBlether · 20/10/2014 16:25

Sorry, I misread that - you're worried about living alone when you are older. My mistake.

Lancs73 · 20/10/2014 16:25

Instead of thinking about the future concentrate on the here and now. You're lucky you're in a good and happy relationship. Enjoy it.

ImperialBlether · 20/10/2014 16:25

Did you stay with him, stuck?

ImperialBlether · 20/10/2014 16:26

That's not really good advice, Lancs, if the OP is thinking of having more children.

Stuckinastorm · 20/10/2014 16:28

If you're happy then why walk away from him?

Hmmmm very long story, today is say I probably won't be staying with him (I chucked him out the house 3 months ago but we do talk/see each other)

Stuckinastorm · 20/10/2014 16:29

P.s we were together over 9years, it's meant to be our 8th wedding anniversary in 2 weeks :(

Original poster
WhoeverYouWantMeToBe · 20/10/2014 16:30

Oh god I'm sorry Stuck Sad

OP posts:
beansontoast77 · 20/10/2014 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stuckinastorm · 20/10/2014 16:32

Oh dear beans I'd never really thought about ageing, assumed id be his carer if I could but that was it. I'm learning now, thanks!

Lancs73 · 20/10/2014 16:32

OP is concentrating too much on how old age will affect her partner. Not everyone in their old age needs care. My gran is in her eighties and very independent. That's what I meant when I said dont think to much about the future. If you want more children have them. There's no guarantee a younger partner wouldn't need care. My friends cousin had a stroke at 30.

ImperialBlether · 20/10/2014 16:57

Yes, Lancs, but when the OP's partner is 80, she will only be 60 and she will have worked for the last 20 years while he's been at home. She will want to make the most of the next 20 years of her life where he will be old and while he might be independent, as in able to live alone, it's unlikely he'd be able to keep up with a 60 year old.

Lancs73 · 20/10/2014 17:12

Harrison ford and calista flockshart have a 22 year gap. I just think if the only negative thing in your relationship is the age gap you've got a good relationship. Not everyone retires at 60 and stays at home.
OP you know your partner better than us. Would he be the type who'd want to sit at home or not?

ImperialBlether · 20/10/2014 17:19

To be blunt, though, there aren't that many men as fit or wealthy as Harrison Ford around! To compare the OP's partner to him is a bit presumptuous!

Original poster
WhoeverYouWantMeToBe · 20/10/2014 17:21

He isn't the type to want to stay home at all. Has already said he doesn't even want to retire as he'll be bored and miss being busy. He has a youthful outlook on life and acts a lot younger - I don't mean immature but when I think of male colleagues who are nearly 50, they seem a lot older.

OP posts:
Lancs73 · 20/10/2014 17:27

ImperialBlether I was comparing the age difference between Harrison ford and his wife, not his fitness or money, lol.
OP if you didn't know your partners age would you see a future with him?

fairgame · 20/10/2014 17:29

My Mum and Dad have a 20 year age gap. They got married when she was 18 and he was 38. He has 2 daughters from his previous marriage who are the same age as my Mum. They have always been fine, my Mum has always been mature as she was the oldest of 4 and my Dad has always looked younger then his years.
However my Dad retired 5 years ago and this has caused a lot of resentment as my Mum still works full time. She is only 50 so will still be working full time for the foreseeable future. My Mum feels that Dad should get a job, she resents him having the easy life while she has a stressful job. My Dad says he has worked all his life and has every right to retire.
My Mum is also starting to think about a future without my Dad. He is in good health etc but when my Mum gets to retirement age she could possibly end up being his carer. He might be absolutely fine but she has to consider it as a possibility. It has also dawned on her that she might spend much of her retirement on her own. If she retires at 65 then my Dad will be 85. There isn't a strong history of longevity on my Dad's side and he also worries that he might end up dying and my Mum will be alone. To be fair they can be a bit morbid at times (they have already paid off their funeral plans!) but they feel that they have to take these things into consideration.
I don't think my Mum considered any of this when she married him 30 odd years ago.

Original poster
WhoeverYouWantMeToBe · 20/10/2014 17:33

Yes I would Lancs for certain

OP posts:
Lancs73 · 20/10/2014 17:48

WhoeverYouWantMeToBe you can't give up on a good relationship over what may or may not happen later on. Most people (myself included) would love to be in a relationship like yours.
And you're certain about a future with him so good luck.
Age is but a number.

Iflyaway · 20/10/2014 18:14

Age is but a number indeed, but some really good posts on here, covering all aspects of a large gap-in-age relationships.

I'm 60 next year and to be honest I would not be happy to be living with an 80-odd year old. But I've just come out of taking care of aging parents last year, that lasted about 7 years. I need a break.

Add to that I've been a LP for 22 1/2 years (o.k. he's pretty independent now but still lives at home part time) I am planning to retire from taking care of others'. I have a tendency to run myself ragged trying to do it all...

Having been a single parent for ever also means I have no qualms about being alone going into old age, I'm wonderfully independent and I love my life. In fact I prefer living alone.

Funnily enough I have a LDR of 8 years with a guy who is 22 years younger! Smile. We are both LPs it works for us.

I certainly do not expect him to come over and take care of me in my dotage! Grin

(nor do I expect my son to...).

cherrybombxo · 20/10/2014 18:22

My auntie got together with my uncle when she was 35 and he was 55. Fast forward 20 years and he is a retired old man who is starting to depend on alcohol. She is not thrilled with her life choice but feels it would be too mean to leave him.

Rebecca2014 · 20/10/2014 19:26

People with these age gaps do not think about the future so well done you for thinking about it.

I always wondered how these couples will work out when the man is elderly. I think those women just got hope they meet another man in their 60s...but surely it be a lot harder meet someone at that age.

Doilooklikeatourist · 20/10/2014 19:31

20 year age gap between FIL and his 2nd wife
He's now 80 , has dememtia and lives in a nursing home
She's 59 , healthy , yet her life now revolves around visiting him every day

Think very carefully