21 year age gap

[WhoeverYouWantMeToBe]

My partner and I have been together for nearly 2 years. We get on with each otherâ??s dc/family really well and our relationship is fantastic. The only â??issueâ?? is he is just over 21 years older than me. Me being 28 and him 49. The age gap isn't noticeable at the moment apart from when he references things from before I was born.
I am quite a practical and pragmatic person unfortunately, and recently I canâ??t help but ponder (and worry) about the future of our relationship or how things will be in 5, 10, 20+ years time (39 and 60 sounds like an even bigger age gap for some reason). I really would love more dc and he does too, despite his age, but again I have reservations about going ahead with that due to his age. I am concerned I will have elderly parents and an older partner to look after (and Iâ??ll still be working), and - if we did have dc - dependent children to look after as well. And the thought of growing old alone makes me feelâ?¦. I have been making more of an effort to live in the moment and not stress about the future and just go with it, as no-one can predict the future. BUT I feel that with such an older partner the odds of the issues that concern me do have a much higher risk of happening. On the other hand I think itâ??d take a stronger woman than me to end such a good and happy relationship just because of the age gap, the idea of leaving someone I love makes no sense. How can I stop worrying and overthinking about all the other stuff though? Argh.

I'm 40 and my dp is 55, nearly 56.

He is fantastic. Full of energy, strong, sexy (absolutely no problems there at all ), hilarious, loving, romantic...I could go on but I'd bore you.

When we met, I fell in love with him very quickly. His birth certificate didn't really come into it. I'm not saying we didn't discuss the gap, but honestly, all the discussion in the world would not have changed my mind. I adore him, and I honestly couldn't give a fuck how old he is. He's a person, not a date of birth.

If he becomes ill or infirm, it'll be my privilege to look after him, because he's the love of my life, and that's what you do for the person you love. Just like he would for me.

As has been said above, there are no guarantees that your partner will remain in good health, no matter what the age difference between you.

All we have is today. If you're lucky enough to be able to share it with someone you adore, then for goodness sake embrace it.

A good friend of mine upped and left her husband of many years last year, due to a 20 year age gap. When she met him at 30 he was a successful charismatic active 50 year old and she was besotted. They had a happy marriage until he hit his 70s and turned virtually over night into an old man. She is in her early 50s, and looks and acts much longer. They just weren't compatible any more.

I'm in a similarish situation.

I'm 30, divorced, he's 55 (ish) two kids at uni. I don't want children

I love him, I am very happy, the sex is out of this world, I've had plenty of admirers my own age and younger but it "works" with him. From a feminist point of view It actually works really well that he's retired (military pension) so can be fairly flexible round my work stress etc.

I am actually thinking (and I wonder if he's along similar lines) that we might end up evolving into some kind of "close loving friendship/open relationship thing" as time goes on?

He's a "do-er who looks after my woman" type but my fears about energy and just "slowing down" are there.

So we still love each other and are in each others lives but I'm not feeling resentful that he wants to stay in in front of the TV, and he's not feeling I'm this demanding thing wanting sex and more energy than he's got!

Also I don't want to be building a big 1-1 life with him (which suits me as I'm building up my social life and career and want to live abroad) for it to just peter out.

This seems to work fine as I'm not really a "family" person and he is so his "family time" is my "alone and pursue my own stuff" time.

No solutions but watching thread with interest!

That can happen for any reason though. They still had twenty good years!

DP's dad is a rather funky internet-savvy 88 year old, so I have high hopes

Thing is, could anyone really say "I love you, but you're too old, so I'm off"?

If they could, I'd doubt it was really ever love.

With you on the retired thing.

DP is my househusband! Except he does more than I ever did when it was my job. I'd be bloody lost if he went back to working outside the home

...ironing, cooking like Nigella, proofreading, and emotional support....happy sigh....

not to mention the time to go on dirty weekends

and the ability to know what to do on them

I'm with puny - he's older than me but I adore him and if he needs me when he's old I will gladly put my life on hold for him. He fills my heart and my life and what I get right now (and hopefully for the next 20 years) is absolutely worth the sacrifices I'll make caring for him the later years.

And I know about the caring - my last partner needed it until he died aged 25 years. I have 2 friends who've also had to care for their young husbands. Yes, age is a factor - but it isn't everything.

Honestly, is he worth it right now? If he fills your heart, stay. If not, then maybe think again

Met DP aged 20 he was 42. 15 years together and we're still very much in love. He's a young 57, much more energetic than me and still works out loads. We have loads of fun, holidays & nights out. If I have to care for him, so be it, it's a price worth paying. I loves him

Oooh sofa spud your age gap is nearly the same as ours

I'm 35 and DP will be 60 next month. We are best friends and neither of us have ever loved as much or felt as loved as we do with one another. We won't have children, although I have a four year old which massively impacts on his one-time dream of being able to spend his retirement going off on holidays at the drop of a hat.

My way of looking at it is this: yes, I may end up spending 10/20 years looking after and old man, but he is far far too important to me now to ever consider ending the relationship for the sake of what might happen in the future.

15 year age gap here. BTW there are simple causes of ED if your DPs can be bothered to see their GP about it.

I am the younger party but I get ill a lot due to an immune system disorder. it wasnt that way when we met.

I used to worry about DH dying before me and leaving me alone and people worrying that I would be his carer. Well actually its the other way around, I will probably not live well into my 80s and 90s but my teetotal, non-smoking healthy DH might. he sees his GP for all health issues because he realises its importnat for him and his children. I insisted he did before we married, and he has completely embraced it.

Im 32 and im in the TV, slippers, mentality already, I cant wait for DH to retire.

TBH I think its good to think about the future, Im glad I did a lot of travelling and partying in my 20s I am done with that now. Couldnt if I wanted to.

My mother died in her 50s due to alcohol, my dad who was older than her by 10 years is still going strong. She always used to say she would outlive him.

No one is guaranteed a long and healthy life, take steps to support yourself together and apart in the event of poor health or unexpected death for both of you.

sometimes I think being in an age gap relationship forces you to think of these uncomfortable realities, they can happen to anyone.

Hi dh is 64 I am 46, got married 24 years ago. At the time neither of us thought about the age gap, as we have gotten older we have had to. Dh is fit and active, not a typical 64 year old. He retires next year and obviously I have another 20 years till I retire by which time he will be 84. I don't want to work fulltime for the next 20 years and then be alone when I retire, so I walked away from a well paid demanding job to go part time and have the time with him upfront. I can always go back to work full time in the future but I will never get this time back. We have discussed infirmity and the age gap and neither of us would want the other caring for us and I have been honest and told him I couldn't do it, he would have to go in a home. That said I have never regretted a minute of the last 24 years, he is a fantastic husband and father. Being with someone older has given me opportunities I might not have had e.g. he was willing to be the primary carer for dd so that I could concentrate on my work, I am mortgage free at 46 and also will be verycomfortably off in my old age as he has always insisted on investing so that when I am alone (his words) I will not need to worry about money. What I am saying in a long winded way is if he makes you happy go for it, there are no guarantees in life he could age very well or not at all you don't know and for every positive post there will always be a negative one. Good luck op x

I would have a good think about it and make a decision in next couple of months.

Certainly before having children.

He's not a life raft. There's nothing wrong with being alone.

I know there are legions of people on here who'll tell you they're blissfully happy with men decades older than they are but it wouldn't be for me. If I ended up in that situation I'd wonder if I was selling myself short. I don't want to be old before I'm old.

As cherrybomb's aunt's story shows, it's not a foolish worry. YOU yourself are so young. Get out there and become brave eoung to enjoy life alone.

I'd don't want to be cynical or overly practical here - but children and finances do make a big difference here, no matter how much love there currently is.

If there's an age gap but some financial security it can make life's hurdles easier to handle. If he's older, financially insecure and your the bread winner, you could easily slip into resentment.

Also children, it may seem manageable now, but the reality can be very different.

OP just think about your feelings for him, can you see a future together, do you truly love him, do you want children with him (if you do want children, or would you prefer if he weren't the dad)?
If you're questioning your relationship maybe he's not 'the one' for you?
If he's who you want to be with, then be with him, why spend years of your life wondering what if?

I am 37, DH is 63 so I think I win on this thread?
Would I have chosen to fall in love with an older man? If I'm truthful then no, but I did and that's where we're at.
Do I regret anything? We never had a child of our own, DH has two grown up children and has adopted DS(10) It was my deepest wish but I have made my peace with it at last. The fact that our infertility issues are most likely not solely down to age is a big help though.

I know that at some point, probably earlier than many of his peers, DS will lose his dad. In my mind though he has had the luck to be loved unconditionally by a man who was always there for him, something vast amounts of children never know.

My financial future is not secure but TBH, unless I had married a much wealthier man I would still be in the same position. If it comes to caring for DH I will do so willingly, as would anybody who truly loved their spouse. I am fully aware that my choices leave me at greater chance of being widowed young or caring for an elderly man in his final years but I cannot imagine not being with DH purely on that basis.

We have an 18 year age gap and it's not been an issue at all. It's not like it's something that comes up in everyday life!

We have two DCs. We have spoken about having one more, he has said as long as it's before he's 50 - that's just his personal feeling.

He got an injury a few years ago though, which really took its toll and he definitely felt it 'age him' IYSWIM - however once it'd been operated on he quickly got back to normal, he's running better 10k/half marathon times than ever :o and has lost the weight he'd put on when he couldn't exercise (he's always been very active).

People still generally don't believe he's 46. He's young at heart but only in the fun sense, he is definitely not a man child as I read about so often on here!

We both had crappy childhoods and when we found each other it just made sense, maybe it's not a typical marriage but it's totally right for us.

As for the future, well I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone else, and whatever happens happens. I would never have predicted becoming disabled, but that happened to me a couple of years ago in my twenties and for a while DH was my carer! I'd never give up on what is an excellent family (if I do say so myself :o) just because of a fear of what might hypothetically happen in the future IYSWIM. :)

It's something only you can decide though, everyone's situation is different and I can see why you want to think more before you have children.

I am 48 and DH is 71. We have been married 18 years now and have 2 DC - DC2 has just turned 8 (a bit of a surprise). I have never really thought of age when we are together but DH is out of the ordinary certainly among his peers. He still works full time (plus more) for his own company and has more get up and go than me. He has fallen out of touch with quite a few of his friends due to them just wanting to talk about retirement and slowing down etc and finding that he really has little in common with them anymore.

His energy and enthusiasm for life, which is what attracted me 20 odd years ago, are still very much there. I do think about what might happen in the future but that's life, stuff happens whatever age you are.

I'm 27 and there are nearly 22 years between DP and I. I wasn't looking for an older man, I just fell in love with him and his age didn't seem relevant at the time. Sometimes I do worry about our future and I know he does too but we love each other and are not prepared to give up what we have together. We have 2 young DC and haven't ruled out having more completely. We have a similar philosophy on life and we just seem to fit each other.

There's no way I would walk away from him now because there may be an issue in 20 years time. We're both happy now and that's what is important to me, who knows what's around the corner? Anything could happen between now and then.

Be careful. My Step Mother has just this year decided to divorce my 75 year old Father. She's in her early fifties. i wish she'd left him 20 years ago so he could have had another chance with someone his own age. She's fed up with his on going poor health and i think wants to get out before there is another event which will force her to stay.

My XH is 19/20 years older than me. We had children, the first when he was 50. XH turned into a VA control freak who couldn't function without alcohol, it was him not his age.

Ages differences grew the older HE got, he got grumpier, sulkier, our children are described by everyone as 'lovely with Victorian manners' only due to him being so strict. They didn't have normal childhoods and I taught them football (so they're obviously crap at it!) and I did all the playing with them. His sex life died to once or twice a year, his snoring could be heard throughout the house, we never went to pubs, clubs, even the cinema. He'd come home at 6 and drink, then eat and drink, then asleep on the sofa at 8pm. He wouldn't talk to me for weeks on end. He hated my music and would destroy any CDs he didn't like. We ended up with nothing in common at all, music, film, TV, anything. I started off as a trophy wife before I had children. He then treated me like a child and now I only see him as a bitter and lonely little old man.

I would defend age gap relationships to the end when we were together and I was trying to make things work but wish I had left sooner. I would warn people against them totally now.

Depends on the people involved.

All couples will have problems in their relationship. Having a much (more than 10 years) partner will cause a problem later down the line. Large age gaps do cause lots of problems - financial, mismatched retirements.

My Dad is 12 years older than my Mum. My Nan hated my Dad, mainly cause he was an idle, work dodging layabout. She was right. The age gap made this even worse. He only managed to hold down a job for 9 years. He went on the dole in his mid-40s and stayed on it til 65. My Nan was still working at 80. My Nan knew people like my Dad would never change. My Mum was dumb.

My Dad is driving my Mum nuts now. She had kids so did not have to spend time with him. Then, when we left home, my Dad used to spend all his time chatting to a few of his mates. They've all died now, so he looks to my Mum to entertain him. Follows her about, just annoying her. He does not want to do anything, just sit around doing f-all. Even thingslike going away is causing problems as his medical insurance is pretty high (stroke) and makes travel difficult.

My normal advice is its up to you. I can understand a younger woman marrying an older, richer man. But you need need your head if you marry an older, poorer man. Money does not fix everything but it does smooth away problems.

So, I would advise you to think very long and very hard.