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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't even give this a name

53 replies

ChatSENF · 20/10/2014 01:20

I happened up on mumsnet a few months ago, and it is as if scales have been removed from my eyes. I have been an OW
for over a decade, and I must say, i don't think I've spared much thought for the partner of the person I've been seeing. Such is it, having read the many posts about the pain others have suffered as a result of actions like mine, I feel so ashamed and frankly disgusted at myself.

Before, I never saw or heard the realities of it, so it never really played on my mind. The one thing that was clear, was that he wasn't leaving his partner and I knew I couldn't live with him on a full time basis anyway. When it all started I was 20, and it just seemed to continue. He had his life, I had mine. Though I was never physically with anyone other man, I went on dinner dates, movies, parties and had a close circle of friends and family. Some who knew about him and others who didn't.

Fast forward all these years later and I'm now bored as hell with him, compounded by the fact I'm now feeling guilt and shame. I started detaching just over a year ago, but it is all soooo damn complicated. Within that time he's lost a child, been in an accident, among soooo many other things. Too many to disclose here.

I don't expect sympathy, and I expect I'll be near enough burnt at the stake, but I need help please.

I accept I have done wrong, but wanted to be as honest as possible in my post. I've already limited contact as much as is possible, given our situation. Have done so for the past 2 months. I just need advice on maintaining this, and not buckling.

OP posts:
hesterton · 20/10/2014 01:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineRunner · 20/10/2014 01:24

You need to go No Contact; and please get yourself some counselling.

DHandhisgrossfoot · 20/10/2014 01:26

Why have you settled for being a bit on the side for 10 years?

handfulofcottonbuds · 20/10/2014 01:28

Be honest, would you feel as much guilt if you weren't bored as hell with him?

antimatter · 20/10/2014 01:29

Is he keeping you feeling sorry for him?

If the answer is a yes then I guess stopping further contacts.

You are in a habit of having him in your life but this will never have happy ending.

Change your phone number. Get out of Fb. Do whatever it takes and have a sympathetic friend to call when you would feel like talking to him.

Dirtybadger · 20/10/2014 01:32

Why do you need contact? Go no contact. Life will be fucking tough so long as either of you insist upon having any type of relationship.

Original poster
ChatSENF · 20/10/2014 01:33

The reason it has actually lasted that long is we have a daughter who is 6 years old and bought a house together. It is all very complicated. Hence I haven't cut contact completely.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 20/10/2014 01:37

Definitely get the counselling.

ChippingInLatteLover · 20/10/2014 01:39

That's not really drip feeding so much as drowing the audience.

Original poster
ChatSENF · 20/10/2014 01:40

I agree I do need counselling. My sister has recommended me to someone, and I just need to pluck up the courage to go. I'm terrified of what it will bring out.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChatSENF · 20/10/2014 01:42

Not drip feeding at all. That's all there is to it. Can't imagine anyone's interested in the gory details. I just need help with the way forward.

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 20/10/2014 01:45

5 paragraphs of an OP and you don't think to mention a house and a child?

I'd hardly call those gory details Hmm

DHandhisgrossfoot · 20/10/2014 01:46

I know that babies can happen by accident but why would you buy a house with a MM?

antimatter · 20/10/2014 01:47

Having a kid with him and a house to is far from being a gory detail!

Looks like your sister understands your situation - listen to her!

Original poster
ChatSENF · 20/10/2014 02:05

The house he said was to secure her future Dhand, as there was so much he wouldn't be able to provide. It sounded like a good idea at the time.was probably to relieve his conscience, and I just seem to have gone along. My sister has been a tremendous help, though she thinks it is all been such a waste.

OP posts:
Squidstirfry · 20/10/2014 02:12

So you stole someone elses husband and he spent his families money to buy you a house?
What are you hoping for on here?

GarlicOctopus · 20/10/2014 02:21

Well, she didn't steal him, Squid. He's not his wife's property. He decided all by himself to share his lurve and family money around.

If he's bought the house outright, OP, or if it at least has a decent amount of equity in it, then he has secured your daughter's future to an extent. You could, presumably, claim maintenance for her but that truly is a nasty can of worms and I don't feel you should be thinking about that now. Before everything else, you need out of this situation - emotionally for sure, and financially if at all possible. It's all going to feel weird & upsetting for you; I'm glad your sister's supporting you, and agree that counselling will probably help too.

The man's a shit. He clearly has good points, but they aren't enough to make up for his shallow duplicity. How close to 'out' are you, emotionally at least?

Wrapdress · 20/10/2014 02:26

Does the wife know about you?

lunar1 · 20/10/2014 02:31

How old are his other children?

scaevola · 20/10/2014 05:24

If he owns allot part of the property, then he hasn't secured that DC's future. The house is legally an asset of the marriage, as is everything he owns.

Who actually owns the house?

This might be the time to walk away completely, set up your own household and limit contact with him solely to access arrangements and other child admin. I hope you are getting proper CM. if not, sort that out too.

RainbowMamaDarling · 20/10/2014 05:26

You seem to be missing lots of details? Is he married? Does his DW/DP know about you? Or your DD? You say you have limited contact for 2 months, have you actually said it's over to him?

Batmam · 20/10/2014 05:48

How old are you OP? Have you ever been in a relationship with anybody else?

Patienceisapparentlyavirtue · 20/10/2014 06:19

Were you very vulnerable at the time you got together? Or was he much older or in some way had a lot of power in the relationship?

I ask because it's not very usual for someone to choose not to pursue any other type of relationship, and to keep a baby at the age of (counting back from your OP) 23-24 with a man who she knows is married to someone else, without a whole lot more back story than you are sharing here.

Big congratulations to moving on with building a whole life for you and your dd. Before you cut contact, have you spoken to a solicitor and fully checked the ownership of the house and gone over your own finances? Once you've sorted out a secure base for your dd then hopefully you can move on with support from your sister.

Cabrinha · 20/10/2014 06:44

Start with being honest.
You're not feeling guilty, you're just "bored as hell" with him.
If you still wanted him, you'd happily continue to join him in screwing his wife over.

I think that the mention of a child NOT in the OP is suspicious though. Reported.

Original poster
ChatSENF · 20/10/2014 08:15

Sorry I've been missing. I had just finisheda 13 hour sshift and am now off on the school run. Thanks so much for the advice given. Just to answer the questions. ... He is cohabiting, with no other children now ,except my daughter. His son was his only other child. As far as I know, his partner doesn't know of us. He was my boss at my first job, and the relationship started just 6 months before my 21st birthday. Was i vulnerable? i don'tknow. i imagine counselling will help me to figure it out. The house does have some equity.it was bought jointly through an auction, and has gone up in value by around 70k since. Do I feel guilty or just bored? Both.... The guilt really surfaced when they lost their child, when my mom who hates the whole situation told me some very unpleasant things about us. I imagine she'd had enough of telling me to end it, so she went for a completely different approach, which was an all out assault on our characters.

OP posts: