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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't even give this a name

53 replies

ChatSENF · 20/10/2014 01:20

I happened up on mumsnet a few months ago, and it is as if scales have been removed from my eyes. I have been an OW
for over a decade, and I must say, i don't think I've spared much thought for the partner of the person I've been seeing. Such is it, having read the many posts about the pain others have suffered as a result of actions like mine, I feel so ashamed and frankly disgusted at myself.

Before, I never saw or heard the realities of it, so it never really played on my mind. The one thing that was clear, was that he wasn't leaving his partner and I knew I couldn't live with him on a full time basis anyway. When it all started I was 20, and it just seemed to continue. He had his life, I had mine. Though I was never physically with anyone other man, I went on dinner dates, movies, parties and had a close circle of friends and family. Some who knew about him and others who didn't.

Fast forward all these years later and I'm now bored as hell with him, compounded by the fact I'm now feeling guilt and shame. I started detaching just over a year ago, but it is all soooo damn complicated. Within that time he's lost a child, been in an accident, among soooo many other things. Too many to disclose here.

I don't expect sympathy, and I expect I'll be near enough burnt at the stake, but I need help please.

I accept I have done wrong, but wanted to be as honest as possible in my post. I've already limited contact as much as is possible, given our situation. Have done so for the past 2 months. I just need advice on maintaining this, and not buckling.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChatSENF · 20/10/2014 08:17

Having checked, i do get decent child support, and will go about getting some legal advice as well. Again,thank you so much for all advice.

OP posts:
ladymariner · 20/10/2014 08:27

Listen to your mum, its a pity you didn't take after her.
They lose a child and yet you still continue to shag him behind his wife's back....the worse thing that could possibly happen to her did, and yet you still didn't step away? You make me sick.

lunar1 · 20/10/2014 09:00

Your mum is right. If all this is for real then there is something deeply wrong with both of you. His wife has lost her only child and has had to do her grieving with a man who she thinks is in the same position.

His behaviour is disgusting I'm surprised you can even look at someone who can betray his wife in such a way never mind try and play happy families with him.

What does your daughter understand of the situation? When she grows up and understands how she came into the world and how her parents have behaved how do you think she will feel. Do you think she would respect either of you? She may just walk away from you both.

LittleBairn · 20/10/2014 09:06

I vote Longsally as the MN Diplomatic Correspondence official.

LittleBairn · 20/10/2014 09:07

Wrong thread. Blush

colafrosties · 20/10/2014 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 20/10/2014 09:22

I am no OW apologist, but I am not sure that slagging off the OP now is going to help.

She is ending it and needs advice with that. How is telling her that she is disgusting going to make it any better? FWIW, I too am a bit sceptical about your guilt, given that it has only reared its head when you want to dump him but hey ho....

OP, you are about to be singin' in the rain during one hell of a shit storm. Assuming his partner doesnt know about you, there is a good chance that she will find out at some point. She is not going to react well to a ten year affair and the pain she will feel on discovering that her partner has had a child in that time when her own child died is ....... I cant even begin to imagine it tbh.

You do need to contact him in order that he sees your child, and to discuss the house and maintenance. Who pays the mortgage? Can you afford to buy him out? Is he going to pay at least the CSA minimum in child support? If not then you may have to go to the CSA and thats when the shit will hit the fan. You need to be sure that you are not going to lose your home if he decides he wants to sell to get back at you.

You need to think about all of these things, but I suggest that the contact you do have with him is only via email. Firstly because it means you will have a written record of any promises he makes re finances if it needs to go to court (which it could if he wants to force a sale) and secondly to keep it business like so you are not suckered back in.

FreudianGymSlip · 20/10/2014 09:25

Am I the only one to have picked up that the OP's daughter has also lost a half-sibling that she doesn't know she had????

Or is it too early on a Monday morning…..

Bogeyface · 20/10/2014 09:31

Well yes Freudian but I think thats something that the OP will have to deal with later, at the moment she needs to deal with the practical side of things. I think that the emotional fall out with her DD is something that will definitely happen in years to come but focussing on it now isnt going to help is it?

mummytime · 20/10/2014 09:35

I think you need to get legal advice as well as counselling.

You need to think of your DD and secure her future.

To be honest I would think at 21 being seduced by your Boss does probably mean you were vulnerable, and he was definitely sleazy. And he has wasted a lot of your life.

Well done for deciding to get out now.

Cabrinha · 20/10/2014 21:25

Telling her she's disgusting isn't supposed to make her feel better, it's to make her feel worse - if she has enough conscience to do so.
Frankly, she deserves to feel bad.

I cannot imagine the utter devastation of losing a child.

I cannot imagine the devastation at finding out my partner had a secret child.

Now imagine you have to go through both of yours.

If the OP is real, shame on her.

Fine, it may be appropriate to forgive herself at some point. Maybe she was vulnerable - but it's as likely she was just selfish. But even so - it is right that she should understand that people judge her behaviour as disgusting.

MorrisZapp · 20/10/2014 21:31

I think to get decent advice you should tell us all about how your set up works and give us a bit of background.

Is this guy married?

impatienceisavirtue · 20/10/2014 21:55

What on earth does your 6yo make of him?

alongcamespiders · 20/10/2014 22:44

I have known three women who gave up their lives to be somebody else's bit on the side, one died in her fifties no children, another died in her fifties no children. The third is still alive, in her fifties and no children, very lonely and watching everybody else's life pass her by. I know you have a child so the situation isn't quite as dire as my friend's and my aunty's were but still, there is something very sad about always being there for somebody who will never put you first.

overslept · 21/10/2014 00:29

alongcamespiders, There is nothing disappointing, shameful or wrong about being in your 50's and not having children. Lots of people can't, don't get the chance or don't want to. Nobody has a place saying their lives are somehow afflicted by it or empty because of it. Hmm

Dirtybadger · 21/10/2014 00:47

What's dire about not having a child? Really? Come off it spiders.

Anyway- get legal advice, OP.
As someone else said, minimal contact. Emails easiest. Realistically the wife/partner will need to find out sooner or later so get yourself together (legally, counselling, practically) for that. It might be a bit of a shit storm, but an inevitable one that isn't really worth self indulgent regret, it's all a bit too late now.

If you two stop now your daughter stands a better chance of respecting you both when she is an adult/older.

Good luck.

Bogeyface · 21/10/2014 01:43

Telling her she's disgusting isn't supposed to make her feel better, it's to make her feel worse - if she has enough conscience to do so.
Frankly, she deserves to feel bad.
Why? Because she was young and taken in by a user?

I cannot imagine the utter devastation of losing a child.
Neither can I, it doesnt mean that its ok to slag off the OP because she gave birth to the child of a liar.

I cannot imagine the devastation at finding out my partner had a secret child.
Again, neither can I. But the person to blame would be your partner, not the mother of his child. He is the one that cheated, not her.

springydaffs · 21/10/2014 04:12

feeling 'bored' can be more than just boredom. 'Bored as hell' suggests there is more going on than just boredom.

I'd say you were vulnerable when you were 20. and maybe you got stuck at that vulnerable stage and have been living in a bubble ever since, with big daddy looking after you. NObody knew, so it didn't matter, nobody got hurt...

Only now you're realising that in fact people are getting hurt, and you're probably (hopefully) horrified and ashamed. Maybe you're waking up and realising the full extent - on everyone - of this terrible deception.

I can understand you feel confused and torn that he has lost his only child with his longterm partner - the grief must be appalling for them - and that the only child he has left is your daughter. Which his hideously bereaved partner doesn't even know about. What an awful situation.

You've been brave to come on here and tell your story. YOu have a supportive sister - wow, she sounds priceless - and a mother who is sick of the situation and has let you have it (good!). I agree to get into counselling to work your way through this awful situation and its many strands. Also get practical help and support eg CAB about how best to proceed to protect you and your daughter financially.

Unfortunately, people are going to judge, op. This is so emotive, compounded by the fact the deceived partner has lost her only child. You're going to have to suck up people's ire about that, on here and in real life.

I wish you well though.

springydaffs · 21/10/2014 04:18

are you in the uk? if not, CAB is Citizens Advice Bureau, which offers free legal advice in the uk.

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 04:42

You talk about all this in such a detached way. As if it all just happened to you, and you were a passive agent. It's not normal to be so unfeeling about other people, or to take so little responsibility for huge life choices that you made: e.g. having a child and buying a house.

I am truly not trying to stick the boot in; I genuinely think you need to get some counselling asap.

I've only ever been the OW by accident (i.e. a married man lied to me, very convincingly), and as soon as I found out, I was out of there like a shot and never spoke to him again. I can't imagine settling for a life of being someone else's 'bit on the side', and equally I can't imagine knowing that another woman had lost her child and yet I was messing about with her husband.

It's all just wrong. Get help.

InThisTogether · 21/10/2014 08:11

knowing how this might go and how much flaming you will get on here, I'd like to say well done for even posting.

I know it seems obvoius, but try reminding yourself EVERY DAY why you ant to be rid of him. Maybe write down why you decided to in the first place.

Have a look at techniques for giving up smoking, or motivation for weight loss. Sounds bonkers but having done both there are so many similarites between all habits and addicitions, including relationships.

Good luck and stay strong!

GarlicOctopus · 21/10/2014 15:55

Way back in my misspent yoof, I had an affair with a married lecturer. I did it for a dare. I was 22. His wife came to a party. I recognised the look on her face - anxiously searching the crowd; trying to spot the student who was shagging her husband. I really felt for her. I ended the affair that week. My point is that, until I saw how she felt, the reality of what her husband was doing to her had been completely absent for me.

Once I understood what he was doing, I didn't want to be part of it. But it was still his crime, not mine. His wife's problem wasn't "which student?", it was being married to a user. I didn't owe her anything at all. Neither did the student after me, who had his baby - and, subsequently, shared his STBX wife's problem.

GarlicOctopus · 21/10/2014 15:56

Good advice, Together. Write down every annoying thing about him!

fromparistoberlin73 · 21/10/2014 16:32

Cabrinha

gentle reminder, its the OM who fucked his wife over, not the OP

what fucking mess OP, I dunno you need to move on but your DD needs to see her father

Byt yeah, I feel more sympathy for the wife frankly as whenh she finds out which she will one day- fuck me will she be gutted

listen to your mother, listen to your sister and try and be a good role model for your DD. she is going to grow up and learn the truth. and if you can say that when she was aged 6 that you did the right thing, well good luck.

Cabrinha · 21/10/2014 18:13

Oh I think the worse behaviour is that of the man, but I believe that you don't just wash your hands of any responsibility. She's screwing the man's partner over too. If the partner were my friend of mine I'd be saying, forget this woman, blame your partner. But that hardly means that the OP is blameless!