Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

i think he's just like my ex

71 replies

Technicolourtats · 19/10/2014 19:20

I started a thread a couple of days ago and have really appreciated the support on there. Have been thinking lots today. Still feel very down but I have to think properly about this relationship.
My ex was very abusive, physically, mentally, sexually- he was controlling and horrible and I put up with his shit for many years. I then got pregnant and he beat me up when I was about 5 months gone. I left him.
About a month after my DD was born I met my current partner. He moved in with us a month ago.
He has been very moody for months, shouting at me and kind of belittling me. He went away for work and came back early but said he wouldn't come home because I would argue with him, but then came home anyway. We argued because he said I hadn't done anything in the house and was generally just moaning. Then I told him to leave me alone, he grabbed my arm and spun me around and shouted loudly in my face that I'm good for nothing then stormed out.
I don't know what I've done wrong and now I don't know what to do. He's being a prick but he does look after me and makes me feel safe but i hate when he shouts.
I've been very depressed for a while now and I don't feel I can think straight. I hate people shouting.

OP posts:
Chrissy41 · 19/10/2014 23:58

you are not shit and it is not your fault. You haven't caused it and you don't deserve any of this.

If he has hurt you then you do need the police. And please - do not let him back in.

You have done nothing wrong. Perhaps you could call 101 and speak to the non emergency police and just ensure you are safe tonight? How about that for the first step?

Original poster
Technicolourtats · 20/10/2014 00:04

I don't want to make him very angry by calling the police I will be ok. I don't think I need x Rays or anything so I will just try to sleep x thank you Chrissy

OP posts:
Original poster
Technicolourtats · 20/10/2014 00:04

And everyone else x

OP posts:
Mabelface · 20/10/2014 00:17

We're here. You deserve better and no one has the right to hurt you. The only acceptable level of violence is none.

MexicanSpringtime · 20/10/2014 00:23

OP, you have done this before, you can do it again. No matter how someone hates you, they are not entitled to harm you or make you frightened. I think the freedom programme might help you to break the cycle.

A lot of posters on here have been in your situation and gone on to have lovely husbands, I opted not to, and I am very happy and safe in my own home, as are my dd and my dgd.

Vivacia · 20/10/2014 06:42

Good morning OP.

I think that you should give Women's Aid a ring as soon as you can, and keep ringing until someone answers.

Lweji · 20/10/2014 07:17

You really should call the police. He should not hurt you at all. They can help keeping him away.
You can get an emergency court order to keep him away. NCDV can help you with that for free.

WA can get you into a safe place if you are afraid.

Forget that this is your home. Just make sure you are safe, and your children. This should not be happening to their mother and they are at risk too.

Remember that you can't control it and you're not responsible.
You can only walk away from it, and the sooner the better. The next time you could end up in hospital.

Chrissy41 · 20/10/2014 07:28

Quite frankly I don't care how angry he is - if you call the police you will be safe and he will be accountable for his actions.

I agree - call Women's Aid today - perhaps they can give you the strength to take action against this terrible man.

Original poster
Technicolourtats · 20/10/2014 08:48

I am going to see my sister and pick up dd today and I need to work out what I'm going to do next

OP posts:
Vivacia · 20/10/2014 09:03

You should call the police. The fact that you haven't already should be taken as a sign that you really need support and compassion. That's why I think it's a great idea that you're going to be with your sister today.

I also think it makes it even more important that you get some professional support, hence why people are suggesting Women's Aid. You could ring them right now.

Original poster
Technicolourtats · 20/10/2014 09:04

What will I say to the police? I don't think they will be interested

OP posts:
Charley50 · 20/10/2014 09:25

Hello luv please call the police and tell your sister and get the locks changed and him out of your life. You are scared in your own home. Home should be a safe, happy, relaxing place. If you are scared to leave someone that is a sign you SHOULD leave them. Let everyone hear know how you get on.

Charley50 · 20/10/2014 09:26

Tell the police what happened. Tell them you don't want him near you. Is it your place?

Vivacia · 20/10/2014 09:34

Ask for an officer in the domestic violence unit. Tell them you don't know know where to begin, but something happened last night and you are scared to tell them because you don't want to make your partner more angry.

Original poster
Technicolourtats · 20/10/2014 09:39

Which one am I meant to call first the police or women's aid? I am scared

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 20/10/2014 09:42

The police will definitely be interested. He has hurt you and you don't feel safe in your own home.

Although I understand your thought process, the last reason you shouldn't call the police is because he will get angry. You need to nip this in the bud because it will only get progressively worse and the police will help him stay away from you.

Hard though I appreciate it is, not acting on it gives him the green light to treat you how he wants. And he will.

My thoughts are with you

ilovelamp82 · 20/10/2014 09:43

Don't be scared. Have you got any real life support that could perhaps be with you today?

I would call the police first and then womens aid.

We're here for you.

Original poster
Technicolourtats · 20/10/2014 10:11

It's my place yes. My sister can have dd later. I could try to talk to her maybe.
He didn't hurt me that much yesterday so I don't know about police.
I'm going to pack up his stuff I think he is being rude to me keeps calling with a new problem

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 20/10/2014 10:14

Agree - call 101 first and ask for the DV team.
They will listen and help.

Then call Womens Aid. They are a busy organisation so just keep trying until you get through to someone.
They can help you to see all of this for what it is.
They can also put you through their Freedom Programme which will help you with all future relationships.

Please keep posting for support.
No-one deserves to be hurt. This is NOT right.
No matter you learnt about relationships growing up, this is NOT OK!
I really hope you get the help and support you need for all of this!
It's a lot to take in.

Thanks for you!

Vivacia · 20/10/2014 10:33

He didn't hurt me that much yesterday

Your expectations are not high enough. My DP has never, ever deliberately hurt me physically in 13 years together. He is gentle and considerate when he touches me. This is what you should expect.

You should ring the police and then Women's Aid.

Lweji · 20/10/2014 10:56

For what is worth, I rang the police because my exH slapped me hard.
He had previously pinned me to the floor by the back of the neck.

You don't have to be badly hurt to ring the police.

Lweji · 20/10/2014 10:58

If you pack his stuff, make sure it's left outside and you are locked inside and safe.
Or get someone to be with you.
Safety first.

ilovelamp82 · 20/10/2014 11:10

As said above. You may not have think he hurt you badly. But he shouldn't have hurt you AT ALL.

These things have a habit of escalating. I would call 101, pack have is things and leave them outside and ask your sister to be with you for support. Tell her everything. She will want to help.

I would hate for my sisters to be going through this and not tell me.

digger123 · 20/10/2014 11:23

When you say he hurt you do you mean when he grabbed your arm?

Although by what you say it sounds like you have found someone very like your ex in character, is it necessarily a police matter? (unless of course he has really physically abused you in which case I agree with all the above)

I would suggest having someone with you, have him come back to collect his stuff, and get rid. Then focus on somehow making yourself stronger (assertiveness course?). Flowers

Original poster
Technicolourtats · 20/10/2014 12:19

No he hurt me again after when he came back.
I am going to text him and tell him to get his stuff

OP posts: