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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Forgetting all previous DH threads...

72 replies

mummaduke · 19/10/2014 18:46

I want honest opinions.

I've felt crappy all day. Suffered a MC last week. Generally feel low, DS has a stomach bug and awful cold, and I think I've picked it up. Feel rotten. DH know this.

However, this evening he has sat by and watched as I made DS's tea, changed two nappies, bathed DS, put him to bed, cleaned up from tea, mopped the floor, etc.

DH perked up as I was making DS milk, 'can I help'?

I actually just ignored him, which I realise was churlish, but hey, I'm pissed off by this point.

This, coupled with a whole ton of generally shitty behaviours from DH has really got me fuming. If he felt that rough, I'd tell him to sit down and I'd look after DS.

I DON'T want to ask for his help. He has previously told me he thinks I ask for his help to sabotage his down time, so I try not to ask now. I know many of you will say I'm stupid to stick around, but he is my husband, and I don't want to leave him. Please don't tell me to.

We tried to discuss it like adults before he started slamming doors 'I can never do anything right', and stormed out.

I really really don't know where to go from here.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/10/2014 18:51

if you are insistent you will carry on living with this shit, there is nothing more to say

He is lazy and selfish. Suck it up.

I presume we have to ignore the fact that you have posted about him before and the consensus was for you to LTB ?

what is it you want from us ?

some man pleasing crap about how you should look after him because that is what women do...nah

some sympathy about how low your self esteem is ?

you will get that, in spades

but nothing will change, unless you are willing to take the ultimate step

and because he knows you would never do that, the status quo remains

Primadonnagirl · 19/10/2014 18:51

Well..you want honest opinions but you don't want us to tell you to leave him..I would never say that anyway but not sure what you are after here? Do you need a bunch of strangers to tell you to just tell him how pissed off you are and what you want him to do?? Cos that's really the answer to the problem.And if you won't do that, and he won't listen, then you need to decide whether you can put up with it. It's that simple

Yackityyakyak · 19/10/2014 18:53

You need to decide what you want, and how you think you should get there.

So first what do you want:

You want a husband who will do things in the house (because really, it's his home and his child, so it's not 'helping', it's doing his fair share)

So work it out:

How much do you do during the day, how much rest time do you get? How much rest time does your DH get?

Then TALK to him. Not when you're in a bad mood, not when he's in a bad mood.

And when you're feeling poorly, TELL HIM!!!

If that doesn't work, and if he just reacts by huffing and storming out of the house, then I'm sorry, but why would you want to stick around?

If he WASN'T your husband right now, forgetting all of that history between you, would you CHOOSE to be with him, knowing all the good and bad about him?

Original poster
mummaduke · 19/10/2014 18:56

I want to know if anyone's been in a similar situation, and managed to make it work?

I want to know where anyone finds the strength to leave a man they love, despite their terrible behaviour.

OP posts:
Yackityyakyak · 19/10/2014 18:57

How to find the strength?

Look at your DS, do you want him to talk to you the way your DH talks to you? Do you want him to treat any future partner the way you are treated?

Do you want your children to think it's ok for their partner to be this selfish, and to be doormats?

What lessons are you teaching YOUR CHILDREN.

If this doesn't give you the strength to leave, I'm not sure what else would.

Yarp · 19/10/2014 19:03

I think love is a verb. Does he love you?

AllThatGlistens · 19/10/2014 19:03

You look at your children, the upbringing they are getting and the lessons they are learning about relationships.

That's how you find your strength.

Yarp · 19/10/2014 19:04

That should have been: does he love you?

Original poster
mummaduke · 19/10/2014 19:04

Valid points, but he seriously makes me feel like I expect too much.

For example, this evening, he was working on a photo book (for DS) on the computer while I was doing everything else.

When I made the point that perhaps he could have helped me, and done photo book once DS was asleep, it became 'I never do the right thing'. Is it that difficult? Do men really think like this? Or is he really that useless?

Tell me what your DH would gave done.

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 19/10/2014 19:04

what do you find to love about him?

slightlyworriednc · 19/10/2014 19:04

I've been in a similar situation. There's no way of 'making it work'.

I didn't find the strength to leave, I put up with it for years until he added 'having an affair' to his list of rotten behaviour. Biggest regret of my life.

Quitelikely · 19/10/2014 19:05

Right tell your dh if he wants to be a father and husband then he needs to start acting like one.

The roles involve giving your time and energy towards your home, wife and child.

Tell him at the moment you feel like a single mother and if you feel that way much longer then your going to make it happen.

Tell him you are not a slave and that you don't want to be treat like one.

Vitalstatistix · 19/10/2014 19:06

mine would have just done everything that needed doing. That's what people normally do when the person they love is struggling. Nobody should ever feel that's an amazing thing because it's not. It's really fairly basic stuff that everyone should expect.

RachaelAgnes · 19/10/2014 19:06

What AF said.

You have choices. Tell him, I have a feeling he won't change.

Accept him as he is (and your life with him) or do what you have been told before!

Original poster
mummaduke · 19/10/2014 19:06

He loves me, but he's never been in a relationship with responsibilities before. It's like he's figuring it all out as we go along... But just doing a really bad job.

OP posts:
Annarose2014 · 19/10/2014 19:07

"Make it work"?? What does that even mean???

If it means "sticking around for life" then of course you can. Plenty of our mums did it. You just keep your mouth shut, ask for nothing and ignore everything in exchange for the roof over your head.

UpduffedFatty · 19/10/2014 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yarp · 19/10/2014 19:07

Well, he would wouldn't hel. My 14 year old tells me I expect too much but I see it for what it is: selfishness.

He has made you feel like you expect too much. Doesn't make it true. Millions of women whose husbands don't behave like this can supposrt that point

pinkartset · 19/10/2014 19:08

Mummaduke I was in a similar situation with my ex who is the father of my DC. He was lazy too, didn't help me round the house or with DC and also would get stroppy with me if I asked for some help. If he did help he would do it in such a half arsed way that i would have to do it again afterwards like not clean the dishes properly etc (passive aggressive shit that he was...).

I loved him but I came to the conclusion that I cannot be in a relationship with someone like that. It felt like he had no respect for me and therefore did not love me. So I left him. It was hard but it was the best decision. I am now on my own with DC. Even though as a single parent I do everything now, there was something particularly galling and irritating about having an adult partner in the house who did not share the burden of chores etc.

Him not helping me out and not taking on board my feelings really gnawed away at my self esteem and sense of control in my life. I felt like I was powerless. Now that he is out of my life in terms of he is no longer my partner (he still sees DC) I have regained so much self worth and self esteem. It takes a lot to make that first move to end it, but you really need to ask yourself whether this is the relationship you want.

Perhaps if you are reluctant to leave him, how about really laying in all on the line, tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and tell him how much it upsets you. Tell him he needs to change or he can move out and actually do it if he doesn't step up. Even if he gets thrown out for a bit, that might make him think things through and perhaps then you could let him back in once he promises that he will change.

StopStalkingMe · 19/10/2014 19:08

You can't change someone. They can't change unless they want to.

You allow this. And you are teaching your children this is what relationships are all about.

Your strength comes from you.
You have to have some small spark of knowledge that you deserve better than to be a doormat in a marriage.
You have to believe that being on your own is better than being lonely in the marriage.
You have to want better for yourself and your DC.
You know that the longer your DS lives with his dad, the more conditioned he will become to treating women the way his dad does.

You ask about finding the strength to leave? I wonder how you find the strength to stay day after day after day after day..........

Guiltypleasures001 · 19/10/2014 19:12

Op

When your son has left home and hopefully not treating his gf bf future partner with as much contempt as yours treats you, just think of how much time you get to spend with Dh of yours.

All those things in common you have, all that spare time and head space to think oh god I wish ide fucked him off years ago.
All the time in the world to hope and pray that you never fall ill and have to rely on him in a crisis.

Oh and the best one, that he never gets ill that you have to become his carer, oh what fun you will have and how much you won't resent caring for a selfish pig who never gave a shit about your needs or wants. But hey that's ok cause the bright spark of your love for him will see you through the dark days ahead of you, that's of course if he doesn't trade you in for a younger model once you've served your purpose. Oh and let's hope your son never sees you as weak and resents you for becoming a doormat to his dad, and treats you accordingly.

If your looking for messages of hope please feel free to look up the recent posts involving ladies who have done what you are doing 20 or 30 years later who are now left bereft and high and dry.

That's a summery of the high lights of the rest of your life op Sad
Im sorry there's not a lot of good news in there, but this is not the 1950,s and the Stepford Wives was a made up film, there's always the surgery option frontal lobotomy, then you won't care full stop .

CharlotteCollins · 19/10/2014 19:16

Thing is, OP, it takes two to make a relationship work. And if he's happy with the status quo (well, except no doubt he'd like you to stop "nagging" Hmm), then the relationship is not going to change in the way you want it to.

It's very sad, but it seems that your DH doesn't take you seriously.

UpduffedFatty · 19/10/2014 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annarose2014 · 19/10/2014 19:17

I'm always amazed at people who say "But I love him! And he loves me!" as its some sort of magical mantra thats supposed to excuse their crushing unhappiness.

Castlemilk · 19/10/2014 19:19

Well, to answer one question - my DH would have, without thinking about it, automatically been doing what needed to be done.

Our time is full of jobs at this time of day. Food, bathtime, bedtime. OUR TIME.

Yes of course there are times when one or the other of us falls short, or maybe there is a sulk or bad feeling because 'Well you could have HELPED me to do X perhaps then!' - but where life in general is concerned, he, as the other adult in the house, is just as busy as me when things need to be done. And I do not need to tell him this. He does not need to be 'reminded' or 'encouraged' or 'managed' - despite being a man, he seems as perfectly capable of doing obvious tasks in the home as he is in his workplace.

It's part of what makes me a dyed-in-the-wool LTB-er, I'm afraid.

Men who act like lazy arses in the home don't do so because they're men, but because they're lazy selfish worthless partners.

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