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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Forgetting all previous DH threads...

72 replies

mummaduke · 19/10/2014 18:46

I want honest opinions.

I've felt crappy all day. Suffered a MC last week. Generally feel low, DS has a stomach bug and awful cold, and I think I've picked it up. Feel rotten. DH know this.

However, this evening he has sat by and watched as I made DS's tea, changed two nappies, bathed DS, put him to bed, cleaned up from tea, mopped the floor, etc.

DH perked up as I was making DS milk, 'can I help'?

I actually just ignored him, which I realise was churlish, but hey, I'm pissed off by this point.

This, coupled with a whole ton of generally shitty behaviours from DH has really got me fuming. If he felt that rough, I'd tell him to sit down and I'd look after DS.

I DON'T want to ask for his help. He has previously told me he thinks I ask for his help to sabotage his down time, so I try not to ask now. I know many of you will say I'm stupid to stick around, but he is my husband, and I don't want to leave him. Please don't tell me to.

We tried to discuss it like adults before he started slamming doors 'I can never do anything right', and stormed out.

I really really don't know where to go from here.

OP posts:

Castlemilk · 19/10/2014 19:21

Oh yes, the 'but he does love me'...

Does he? Really? Maybe stop and think about what you really mean by that, if you're talking about a person who routinely treats you like a domestic servant, slags you off when you try and raise the issue, and is basically happy to see you pick up their slack. Stop and think how you define 'love'.

AnyFucker · 19/10/2014 19:21

He's not used to taking responsibility for being a husband and a father ? What man pleading bullshit

He wants a mummy, op, and you fit the bill very nicely

fourfatsnakes · 19/10/2014 19:22

Sorry to hear about the MC

Quitelikely · 19/10/2014 19:28

Well his type of love doesn't do the laundry or other household chores does it?

Zucker · 19/10/2014 19:28

Or is he really that useless?

YES

Vivacia · 19/10/2014 19:29

I am not familiar with any of your previous threads. My advice is to start saying, "Ok, we need to change nappies and make tea, which are you going to do?".

That's pretty much what happens here, only quite often there are up five jobs now 'cos we have three children and all are old enough to take part in family chores.

Original poster

mummaduke · 19/10/2014 19:31

Vivacia, last time I tried that, he huffed and puffed his way through boiling a bowl of pasta stars...

Then later that night he got drunk, and told me I'm out to sabotage his down time when I ask him to help me with something I could do on my own.

Jesus I just read that back.

WTF am I doing???

OP posts:

Vivacia · 19/10/2014 19:34

Quite.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/10/2014 19:35

Indeed what are you doing?.

Yarp · 19/10/2014 19:37

Yes.

Good partners might just huff a little, but then they'd come back and say sorry for being an arse.

Or they might not huff in the first place.

Castlemilk · 19/10/2014 19:39

WTF am I doing???

Long term, helping teach your own little DS to grow up exactly the same.

Monkey see, monkey do.

OP, you've got a whole life to enjoy - parenthood, career, family. Do you really want to spend most of it in a furious bad mood, utterly resentful that instead of a partner to enjoy it with you've got a selfish moody little arsewipe Klingon spoiling it?

AnyFucker · 19/10/2014 19:49

Yes, what the fuck are you doing ?

This bloke knows you will never leave him no matter how poorly he treats you

What a terrible example for your children both of you are modelling

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 19/10/2014 19:53

What is it about women, ok a generalisation I know, but what is it that makes some of us accept this behaviour?

Are we bad mothers to our sons?

or daughters?

My ex was bloody awful but amazingly he stepped up and helped out with nappies and clearing up vomit. Sometimes I wonder why I found fault with him when I read some of these posts.

Original poster

mummaduke · 19/10/2014 19:55

Thanks AnyFucker, that's really constructive. My DS is 10 months old. I highly doubt he's taking any of his dad's behaviour on board quite yet. What a terrible mother I must be for trying my damnedest to keep our little family together.

But, I appreciate the point you're making. I'm heading downstairs to have words. H has returned from his walk.

OP posts:

Lemele · 19/10/2014 19:57

I for one am here if you want help and advice in repairing your relationship instead of jumping the gun. If that's your final conclusion then I'd support that too, but I am for marriage.

How many times have you tried asking him to help with things? Vivacia's comment fits what I was thinking. I have a lazy husband, and I have to just bite the bullet and ASK him to do things. Sometimes he gets huffy but mostly just does it.

There's always the 'see my point of view' talk, or actual example (e.g. leave him with DS for a day). It can help open eyes as to how much you do. It's a common problem.

Most of that prob won't help but I'm here to listen anyway.

Original poster

mummaduke · 19/10/2014 19:57

There's a lot of good in him too. He does nappies, he does vom... He does help, just not anything like 50:50. And it's often grudgingly.

But he doesn't do nothing. That would be unfair to say.

OP posts:

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 19/10/2014 19:57

From your first post I guess you have one DC but from what you say it seems you have 2 DC.

Well. I guess if I were in your shoes.. I would not do anything for him. Let him take responsibility for himself, firstly, then, hopefully he can take responsibility for being a father and a husband. Good luck with that!

Lemele · 19/10/2014 19:58

Oh and hugs re your last comment.

AnyFucker · 19/10/2014 19:58

Take your anger out on your dickheaded husband, that's where it belongs

Yarp · 19/10/2014 19:58

Good luck

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 19/10/2014 19:58

Op - since you asked upthread what a good DH or a decent DH or a DH who is not a total fuckwith would do it is this. He would share chores and tasks around the place including the really crappy ones like shovelling dog and chicken shit and emptying the bog on the caravan. He would defend you to anyone even if he actually agreed with them. He would look after you if you are ill mine has held my hair up while I puked, scraped it off my face,washed me, rolled me to one side of the bed and changed the bed clothes with me still in the bed too ill to move he will have a meal ready for you if you are late or just CBA to cook even if it's just beans on toast or a baked spud. He would tell you to your face if he thinks you are making a bad decision or making a twat of yourself. He will take up the slack and do the washing up, ironing, painting or anything it is obvious you don't want to or can't do for whatever reason. He will creosote things and he will not say anything to undermine you, make you feel small or swear at you unless he really feels in a totally even handed way that you deserved it. In short he would have some emotional intelligence and actually 'see' you on a day to day basis. If you are struggling he will know and he will talk to you about it and HELP YOU OUT. In return, you do some or all of the above too. Basically it is the marriage vows made flesh week in week out, in season and out, wet and dry, he is your support and you are his. Throughout all of this it helps to have a sense of humour, gauge each others moods and act accordingly. It can be hard but with the right person it all comes naturally after a fashion.

Try asking him to sit quietly over a brew and talk to you and you explain how you feel. If he has one shred of care for you he would do so, listen and act accordingly. If he can't or will not even try, you have to accept that what you have now is all you will ever have with him and you have to then decide if that is the life you want or if you want something else. I agree wholeheartedly with PPs that you must be mindful of the example you set your DCs, as they are little blank slates and what you are writing on those slates will stay with them for ever.

scarletforya · 19/10/2014 20:00

He says he loves you but talk is cheap Op.

You had a miscarriage last week?

This is not love Op.

Original poster

mummaduke · 19/10/2014 20:01

Yep, this time last week.

OP posts:

Itsfab · 19/10/2014 20:04

I am sorry you have had a miscarriage. Is your DH over it or does he not show his feelings? Is he aware of the physical toll on a woman as well as emotional?

What my DH would have done - and did do one week after I had a miscarriage and beyond - was everything that needed doing in the house with our two children (1 and 3 ish) all without any kind of moaning. Down time are not words that we utter really. We rest when we can and want but everything gets done. When DH is physically here he is productively here.

Your husband thinks child care and house work is your job and his down time comes before everything else.

Shut up and put up or do something about it. Only options really.

Original poster

mummaduke · 19/10/2014 20:07

I think he's over it. He was great last week, got up early with DS while I lay in bed a few mornings, but now we're 'back to normal'.

Thanks for input everyone, I'm going to put MN down now and head downstairs.

OP posts:

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