Forgetting all previous DH threads...

[mummaduke]

I want honest opinions.

I've felt crappy all day. Suffered a MC last week. Generally feel low, DS has a stomach bug and awful cold, and I think I've picked it up. Feel rotten. DH know this.

However, this evening he has sat by and watched as I made DS's tea, changed two nappies, bathed DS, put him to bed, cleaned up from tea, mopped the floor, etc.

DH perked up as I was making DS milk, 'can I help'?

I actually just ignored him, which I realise was churlish, but hey, I'm pissed off by this point.

This, coupled with a whole ton of generally shitty behaviours from DH has really got me fuming. If he felt that rough, I'd tell him to sit down and I'd look after DS.

I DON'T want to ask for his help. He has previously told me he thinks I ask for his help to sabotage his down time, so I try not to ask now. I know many of you will say I'm stupid to stick around, but he is my husband, and I don't want to leave him. Please don't tell me to.

We tried to discuss it like adults before he started slamming doors 'I can never do anything right', and stormed out.

I really really don't know where to go from here.

My DS is 10 months old. I highly doubt he's taking any of his dad's behaviour on board quite yet.

One thing I've learned about in the last few years is the research in to how children are picking things up from day 1. Even in the womb, before birth, they are subject to your emotions.

I'm in the same situation, it sounds like we are married to the same guy!

He isnt really good cos he does nappies etc

that's a fairly basic requirement of a parent.

That's like you saying you are really good cos you fed your child today.

That would be ridiculous thing to say, wouldnt it? That you are really great because you take care of some of the basic needs of your child?

So sorry about the mc Op.

Ranty

I also live with "Can't do anything right (often on purpose)/too tired to survive weekend without a nap and golly, is there stuff to do in the kitchen?" He has miraculously improved, but only because he realises I want to leave him. Not because he'll genuinely miss me but because he'll have to pay maintenance.

Further to guiltypleasures001, one of the things that made me think long and hard about whether I wanted to stay with him was my mother dying. I asked myself who I would trust to look after me in the days I cannot say 'l'm thirsty, etc.'? I looked at my OH and thought if he can't take care of me when I can say I feel cr@p, he's the last person in the world I want to grow old with.

First off OP, I'm very sorry for your loss and that you're now unwell on top of that

I haven't seen how old you both are, how long you've been together or how old your DC is, but from what I read your DH has the mindset of a 17 year old. A 17 year old who's got you for a lover, a mother and a housekeeper.

he thinks I ask for his help to sabotage his down time so I try not to ask now

I don't want to leave him. Please don't tell me to

he started slamming doors and stormed out

I really really don't know where to go from here

Read that back. What do you want people to say?
Family therapy maybe or counselling?
Wait for him to grow TFU?

Do you have inlaws? what's their relationship like?

I've been with my DH for more years than most people here's ages and if he'd ever spoken about 'helping me' to look after our DCs or our house he'd have had very short shrift.
Our marriage is a partnership where we both look after each other and step up to whatever needs doing.
Sabotaging his bloody downtime, he needs to man up. He needs to do it big time and soon.

our little family makes it sound so sweet and wholesome but it's not! it's completely disfunctional. Your DS might be only 10 months old but he won't be forever will he? Stick your head in the sand if you like but facts are facts and your DS will emulate his father in most things. As he grows up witnessing his father treat you with disdain and you skivvy around after him (probably both of them by that point) he will learn that's how men and women relate. He will learn to treat you with disrespect and disdain and will repeat that with his partners. Take action before it's too late.

Do men really think like this? Or is he really that useless?

There is something that you need to understand OP. With a different woman, he would probably behave differently. He treats you like this because you allow him to.

Between you, you have set up this dynamic and it won't change. Ever.

All you can do is decide to accept it, or leave.

Ideally you would leave, get some counselling for yourself to understand why you allow this behaviour, learn some assertiveness techniques and rebuild your self esteem.

Then you will be ready to enter into a relationship on an equal footing. As it stands, you will always be with men like this, men who first test, then push and finally trample over boundaries; whether it's him or someone else.

Forget about trying to change him - you can't. Concentrate on changing yourself to be a stronger, more confident person, sure of your own value. It's corny but you really do need to learn to love and respect yourself first.

mummaduke

Jesus I just read that back. WTF am I doing???

Precisely that. You know you need to leave him, what you need to do is post asking for help to leave him, asking what you need to do and how to go about organising things.

You had a miscarriage last week, you feel rotten, DS is ill and your twat of a DH is ignoring all of that and pratting on with a photo book that could be done at anytime.

As for 'you are imposing on my downtime' - WTAF??????? He has a child, his 'downtime' is fucked for the foreseeable & until his WIFE & SON are feeling better and his wife gets equal 'downtime'.

I'd kick his arse for him, for you, if I could. Mind you, if you keep putting up with this I'll be kicking yours too!

What does 'love' mean? "he loves me". Raise the bar. If you love somebody you don't watch them work all evening while you sit in a chair, and if they ask for help, accuse them of sabotaging your down time!

That is an effective way of preventing you from every asking for 'help'. You want to do 50% of the housework and childcare. he wants you to do it all, and he wants you not to ask him to help because he wants free time while you work.

I might not be an expert on love, but if I@m even fond of somebody I get up to help them.

He eventually asked if he could help, and you went all PA and ignored him because he didnt offer sooner, nor did you ask, because you have taken on the role of martyr based on a comment he once made.

You have DS and evidently hope for more DCs. You both need to stop playing at being wronged, and start working at being a couple.

Then later that night he got drunk, and told me I'm out to sabotage his down time when I ask him to help me with something I could do on my own.

This is pretty disgraceful. As you know. He sees this as firmly your responsibility and it doesn't matter if you're on your knees with illness, grief and discomfort, it's still your job. There's not much to do - he has to want to change. Draw your sand in the line, say what you want to happen and gave consequences for it not happening. The problem is you'll have to follow through with the consequences. He has to want to change more than he wants to lose you.

I hope the chat went well.

I wish I could convey just how much you seem to undervalue yourself.

Forget your husband's behavior for now and what you would like to change, forget all of the good, the bad and the ugly. Imagine a clean sheet of paper that where could write down what a good relationship would look like. Then understand that you are completely entitled to expect that. I think that sometimes when our self esteem/hope gets driven so low we lose clarity. Get some. Remind yourself of what you want, and acknowledge that you deserve it and are entitled to expect it. Then take a look at how (or if) you can get this from your relationship. Start with yourself, get selfish.

My mum never did this, and I constantly end up in relationships that sound very similar to yours. I am so terrified that my life will end up like hers I don't know if I will ever get married. The rare occasions I find a decent man I can never really believe it's true and end up self sabotaging the relationship. I'm not saying don't try to fix it, but do it with yourself and your dignity and with kindness towards both you and your husband. Good luck OP I hope you can make it work, I think you deserve to get what you want.

sorry that should say "do it with yourself and your dignity at the front of your mind".

A few grammar errors but I get quite emotional when I see mums sacrificing themselves at the altar of keeping the family together. I do think it's possible to fix things without leaving and I wish my Mum had shown me that she knew what she was worth and how to get it instead of putting up with things for the sake of the "family".

One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the model of what to expect and how to behave when they are adults. They do see how we react to situations and often copy them. Sometimes, they know no different so patterns repeat themselves.

If we want our children to be valued, loved and respected by the other adults in their lives, we have to show them that they are worth love and respect, that it is their right just as much as anyone else. We show them by demonstrating assertiveness for ourselves.

Set your expectations high and enforce your boundaries. There is no need to shout, swear, sulk or blame. We should just say what we need and if other people don't want to or can't treat us well, we walk away from them. There is no need to live like this. It just makes everyone miserable. Including the children.

There is a lot of unnecessary angst about staying in a relationship. Why? Two people should be together because they want to be. If they don't, they are free to leave. The children will be much happier with adults who are happy and fulfilled than living in an atmosphere of resentment and hostility. Who wants that for their children? Give them a home with genuine affection, warmth, empathy and laughter and they will bloom. That is all they need.

"Sabotaging his down time?????" Sabotaging his fucking down time?! Sorry I can't get past that tbh. What a dick.

Yes, what about your fucking downtime??

He is sabotaging that.

And yes, a reasonable man would realise that when you have a baby and a wife who has recently suffered a miscarriage, your downtime is basically fucked for the time being.

I'm sorry you have suffered a MC

It took me a good 3 weeks to get over the physical side of my MCs and a lot longer for the emotional side. He should be supporting you more than ever now.

Don't be a martyr and just do everything - tell him to man up!

His behaviour is utterly unreasonable and selfish!

I honestly don't think you can change men like this. They have a colossal sense of entitlement concerning their time.

I was with a guy like this for years and years, and I battled. Every little thing was an argument. If I finally wore him down and he picked up the hoover, he acted like he deserved the Victoria Cross afterwards. He was no practical or emotional help at all.

I finally dumped him after fifteen years and after the first 'What the eff have I done?' panic, I never looked back. Life without an incipient argument hanging in the air was a bright and glorious place. Now married to a lovely DH who more than pulls his weight in everything. There are guys out there who are different, caring, loving and sweet! Get out and find them!

Fairenuff just want to say thank you for your post. Some vital facts there that I'd almost forgotten.