DH threatened to hit me I kicked him out now im worried about him

[youbethemummylion]

Argument with DH this morning over something silly escalated very quickly DH threatened to hit me I told him to get out the house. He has gone but now I'm petrified he might do something silly he has history of depression with suicidal thoughts.

[youbethemummylion]

He's not answering his phone! I cant stop crying but I have to go downstairs to the kids I can't pretend I'm washing my hair forever.

[LurcioAgain]

You did the right thing asking him to leave. As I think anyone on here who's suffered from mental illness will tell you, it's not an excuse for threatening people with violence.

Is there anyone you can ask to try to ring him - friends, siblings? I presume he will pick up the phone if it's not your number.

[ImperialBlether]

I wouldn't contact him now. He will see you're calling and deliberately not answer to punish you for kicking him out. Let things calm down a bit. You'll hear from him soon enough.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Whoa, stop! First of all, he threatened to hit you and you kicked him out. Consequence of how he chose to behave.

Contact someone from his family - friends, parent, sibling, whatever - and let them know what's happened. And leave it at that. Let THEM look after him and his needs.

You need to focus on what is best for you right now. He has to make his own choices. Ringing him repeatedly is not going to change anything and will only stress you both out.

Otherwise you are seriously putting yourself in a "here I am, ready for emotional blackmail" position. Are you going to forgive and forget if he threatens suicide? Are you going to allow any behaviour from him just because you are worried he might threaten suicide?

He is an adult. One who has threatened you. Your priority right now should be YOU.

[youbethemummylion]

His phone is switched off rather than him just not answering. He doesn't have any friend really and I don't know his siblings well as he was adopted and only met with them for the first time a year ago I don't want to drag them into it.

[youbethemummylion]

I've got myself washed and dressed but every time I think of going downstairs to the kids I start crying again, they are watching TV but that won't last forever. I want to take them out because I don't want to sit here just waiting for him to come back but I cant as I cant stop crying.

[Drumdrum60]

What can you do to calm down ? You need to have your wits about you . Go for a walk with kids ? Anything to think straight . Otherwise this could escalate again when he comes back . Do not call him.

[inlectorecumbit]

I would imagine his phone is switched off to punish you and get this reaction from you.
Get on with your day, get out with the kids and stop worrying.

[Hissy]

he threatened to hit you. your relationship with him - as it stood - is over.

you have the chance to change the future here. stop calling him and LET him feel shit about what he did. he deserves to.

he has no right to make threats, and you did absolutely the right thing. he needs to go and stay elsewhere for a while. he needs to see what he's losing. trust me.

you have a very narrow and very tenuous sliver of a chance of cutting this behaviour to the quick right now. ONE phone call saying sorry, begging him to come home and you have utterly lost it AND endorsed his behaviour.

next time (because there will be a next time) he will hit you. without the threat/warning unless you deal with this properly now.

right now you hold ALL the cards, have all the power. you can decide to keep him out, OR decide (providing he behaves) to allow him another chance.

it's too early to make that decision yet, st tell him to stay elsewhere for the weekend and agree (if YOU feel ready) to meet him and discuss the next steps.

stay calm. don't panic. there isn't any need to.

[Hissy]

I strongly doubt that he'll harm himself. but in the extremely remote possibility that he does, know that this is also HIS decision.

as it was to threaten to hit you.

[magoria]

If you genuinely think he may harm himself rather than be punishing you call the police non emergency on 101 and let the right people handle it.

Concentrate on you and your DC. Right now there is nothing else you can do.

When he turns up safe and well discuss the separation of your relationship on at least a temporary basis until he has sorted his threatening behavior out.

[GinAndSonic]

My partner threatened suicide as a means to control me, both before and after i left.
If he were to commit suicide, that in no way would be your fault. You have done nothing wrong. You cannot accept violent behaviour towards you for fear he will hurt himself if you dont take his abuse.
Its most likely that he is fine and is either in a huff or is deliberately trying to worry you. Dont let him kbow it worked. Wheb he contacts you, dont be derailed by the "dont you care about me? I could have killed myself" bullshit, remember, he threatened you. He first threatened to hurt you, and now you are worried he will hurt himself. HE is the one responsible for this behaviour, and for the consequences for your relationship.

to you, i do understand the worry. Be strong x

[Fairenuff]

He has choices and he makes his own decisions. There are lots of things he could do, none of which are in your control, or your fault.

You need to focus on keeping yourself safe. This is not a good environment for you or the children. Speak to a solicitor and find out what might happen if you decide to separate. Find one that specialises in dv.

[ouryve]

You've done what you needed to do to keep you and your children safe. Anything he does from now on is all of his own doing and not your responsibility.

[ouryve]

There was a thread a few months ago about suicide threats as a method of control - very much a mix of serious heavy stuff and black humour from those of us who have come out of the other side. In relationships where there is abuse, it is so often used as an extreme form of sulking and almost always happens when the abused party is showing strength, eg work achievements or simply putting their foot down to threats of violence, as you have done.

Agreeing that you should call 101 and give the police a heads up - about today's threats and his history. Worrying about him is understandable, but since he threatened you with violence, earlier today, you are not the one who should be doing all the chasing up. That would be too satisfying for him and leave you more vulnerable, in the future.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Yes if you ring police regarding his welfare, please make sure you mention the domestic as well, including that he threatened to hit you. Make sure they have the full picture of the situation.

My abusive stbx attempted suicide on our young dc2's birthday. He then made sure while he was going in to hospital to ask a relative of his to make sure to ring me and let me know what was going on. Then within 2 weeks he was pushing and pushing at me to take him back. At that point, his family all blamed me for his suicide attempt and were all tip toeing around him and bending over backwards not to upset him. Absolute manipulation.

Your priority has to be you and your dcs.

[youbethemummylion]

So I took DCs to the supermarket (not exciting but it needed doing) DH text to say he couldn't get in the house. I text back 'That is because we are out, I suggest you go to your Mums house'. At least I know he us alive, now I can stop panicking and start planning. God knows what the plan will be at the moment I cant even think about it. I will keep my brave face on until kids in bed then work out my next move. Thanks for the support.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Well done yoube Stay strong.

[Hissy]

good for you! hope he stays away for a while! give you a chance to recover

[saltnpepa]

How about DH threatened to hit me I kicked him out now im worried about me and my kids

[GoatsDoRoam]

Well done telling him to go to his Mum's. Keep firm. Wishing you strength.

[GoatsDoRoam]

How has your weekend been going, mummylion?

[youbethemummylion]

DH called he apologised, said he regretted it the second he said it, he wouldn't actually have hit me. His regular counselling appointment is Tuesday afternoon he is going to tell his counsellor and then see where we go from there. I don't know if anyone knows but with his permission would I be allowed to talk with his counsellor or go with him do you think?