DH threatened to hit me I kicked him out now im worried about him

[youbethemummylion]

Argument with DH this morning over something silly escalated very quickly DH threatened to hit me I told him to get out the house. He has gone but now I'm petrified he might do something silly he has history of depression with suicidal thoughts.

Oh and thanks for asking goat

what is it you're trying to achieve by talking with the therapist. you'd be better off seeing your own therapist to sort out how you feel now, and working on processing what's happened to you.

keep him gone until he's seen his therapist and there's some acknowledgment off what he's done.

You can go in with him if he wants you to but it may be best for him to go alone.
Why do you want to see the counselor with him?

btw, you did exactly the right thing at the time.

I don't know really why I want to go apart from I have a (probably completely irrational) feeling that he will go then report back to me some tall tale of what she has said which makes it sound like either a) its my fault ir b) I have to take him back and be more understanding. He came back from seeing her before and told me all this stuff she had apparently said about him working on a higher level than other people and the reason he cant communicate with others is because we don't understand him as we aren't on the same level and people need to adapt their behaviour around him. Which tbh I cant really imagine a counsellor saying (I may be wrong though as never spoken to one myself)

Ha! I sincerely doubt that she said that! Clients often do misinterpret what you say to meet their own agendas though. Go with him if you want but he must see this as HIS problem and HIS responsibility, not as problem of the relationship.

But you being there may mean that he says things that he doesn't mean anyway. I honestly don't think it would help either of you.

It isn't your fault and no professional would say differently.

You don't HAVE to take him back and you should never be made to feel that way by anyone.

Stbx came home from counselling telling me that the counsellor told him until "they" could figure out why he was being abusive, I'd just have to put up with it. He honestly thought I would believe that and go along with it. I don't honestly think that he even told his counsellor about his behaviour - I think he made up things to tell him. Never went though, so no idea. He felt counselling was a joke anyway and only went because I told him if he didn't get it, I was leaving. It was a useless exercise. I left.

So not sure what the answer is. I didn't want to hear what they talked about in counselling, but by the same token, I don't think the counsellor was told what the problems were either. I'd have told him if he'd had contacted me and asked.

I don't know really why I want to go apart from I have a (probably completely irrational) feeling that he will go then report back to me some tall tale of what she has said which makes it sound like either a) its my fault ir b) I have to take him back and be more understanding.

Sweetheart, that will be his story, whether or not he goes to counselling, whether or not you speak to his counsellor (doubtful, it breaks codes of practice), and whatever anyone says to him.

The only thing he wants to believe is that it's your fault, and that he can carry on as usual, and so he will continue to believe, twist, interpret anything in order to keep arriving at that conclusion.

Has he threatened to hurt you before OP?

He has said before Im the only one that winds him up to the extent he feels like he might loose control and hit me. However he has never actually threatened to do it before in the heat of an argument.

I don't know its all just such a mess he never used to be like this but now it seems like he uses the label of depression to excuse his behaviour.

Ok, so there are two things going on here.

The first is that he is being aggressive towards you out of choice. If he could be 'wound up' to the extent of threatening someone, he would do it to others as well. He does this to try and control you. It's abusive.

The second thing is that it is now escalating. He needs to push you a bit to see how far he can take it. When you stand up to him, he backs down and leaves it for quite a long time before he tries again. Each time that you accept it, he knows that he can try and push you a bit further.

So, before, he has said that you are to blame for winding him up. It seems like you have accepted that and you either agree with him or are prepared to let him think you agree with him.

Now, he has threatened to hit you. If you accept that by showing him no consequences he will threaten you again. And eventually he will actually physically push you, or some other escalated action.

When he does hit you, he will say that it's your fault because he warned you.

Amongst all this, he also controls you by threatening to kill himself and again he wants you to take the blame for this.

He has said before Im the only one that winds him up to the extent he feels like he might loose control and hit me. However he has never actually threatened to do it before in the heat of an argument.

This alone is abusive. He is priming you to believe that he could hit you... the implied threat is there, however subtle.

YOU are not responsible for him losing control. HE is responsible for his behaviour. If he is wound up and loses control and hits you... HIS reaction, HIS choice, HIS fault.

Typical abuser logic - you wound me up. My stbx said that about our 3yo when he hit him - he wound me up. It certainly wasn't my 3yo's fault.

The counsellor is for his benefit, you don't have to give your side of the story to this stranger.

Perhaps at a later session, the counsellor might suggest a joint session to hash out some issues, but you don't have to go if you can't see a future.

He does sound abusive.

"He has said before Im the only one that winds him up to the extent he feels like he might loose control and hit me. "

What he means is, you're the only one he thinks he might be able to hit and get away with it. Other people would call the police, but you might not

when a man tells you who he is, believe him. He's telling you he wants to hit you, and that is reason enough to not have him around. But he is also telling you that he's going to hit you.

Don't waste energy thinking about his counsellor, you are not accountable to her and it doesn't actually matter what he tells her.

He's made you feel like you have to explain yourself. You don't.