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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

DH threatened to hit me I kicked him out now im worried about him

40 replies

youbethemummylion · 18/10/2014 11:51

Argument with DH this morning over something silly escalated very quickly DH threatened to hit me I told him to get out the house. He has gone but now I'm petrified he might do something silly he has history of depression with suicidal thoughts.

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AskBasil · 20/10/2014 18:15

Don't waste energy thinking about his counsellor, you are not accountable to her and it doesn't actually matter what he tells her.

He's made you feel like you have to explain yourself. You don't.

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AskBasil · 20/10/2014 18:14

"He has said before Im the only one that winds him up to the extent he feels like he might loose control and hit me. "

What he means is, you're the only one he thinks he might be able to hit and get away with it. Other people would call the police, but you might not

when a man tells you who he is, believe him. He's telling you he wants to hit you, and that is reason enough to not have him around. But he is also telling you that he's going to hit you.

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Littlef00t · 20/10/2014 18:10

The counsellor is for his benefit, you don't have to give your side of the story to this stranger.

Perhaps at a later session, the counsellor might suggest a joint session to hash out some issues, but you don't have to go if you can't see a future.

He does sound abusive.

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AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 20/10/2014 17:44

He has said before Im the only one that winds him up to the extent he feels like he might loose control and hit me. However he has never actually threatened to do it before in the heat of an argument.

This alone is abusive. He is priming you to believe that he could hit you... the implied threat is there, however subtle.

YOU are not responsible for him losing control. HE is responsible for his behaviour. If he is wound up and loses control and hits you... HIS reaction, HIS choice, HIS fault.

Typical abuser logic - you wound me up. My stbx said that about our 3yo when he hit him - he wound me up. It certainly wasn't my 3yo's fault.

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Fairenuff · 20/10/2014 17:24

Ok, so there are two things going on here.

The first is that he is being aggressive towards you out of choice. If he could be 'wound up' to the extent of threatening someone, he would do it to others as well. He does this to try and control you. It's abusive.

The second thing is that it is now escalating. He needs to push you a bit to see how far he can take it. When you stand up to him, he backs down and leaves it for quite a long time before he tries again. Each time that you accept it, he knows that he can try and push you a bit further.

So, before, he has said that you are to blame for winding him up. It seems like you have accepted that and you either agree with him or are prepared to let him think you agree with him.

Now, he has threatened to hit you. If you accept that by showing him no consequences he will threaten you again. And eventually he will actually physically push you, or some other escalated action.

When he does hit you, he will say that it's your fault because he warned you.

Amongst all this, he also controls you by threatening to kill himself and again he wants you to take the blame for this.

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youbethemummylion · 20/10/2014 17:14

He has said before Im the only one that winds him up to the extent he feels like he might loose control and hit me. However he has never actually threatened to do it before in the heat of an argument.

I don't know its all just such a mess he never used to be like this but now it seems like he uses the label of depression to excuse his behaviour.

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Fairenuff · 20/10/2014 10:07

Has he threatened to hurt you before OP?

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GoatsDoRoam · 20/10/2014 09:01

I don't know really why I want to go apart from I have a (probably completely irrational) feeling that he will go then report back to me some tall tale of what she has said which makes it sound like either a) its my fault ir b) I have to take him back and be more understanding.

Sweetheart, that will be his story, whether or not he goes to counselling, whether or not you speak to his counsellor (doubtful, it breaks codes of practice), and whatever anyone says to him.
The only thing he wants to believe is that it's your fault, and that he can carry on as usual, and so he will continue to believe, twist, interpret anything in order to keep arriving at that conclusion.

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AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 19/10/2014 19:30

Stbx came home from counselling telling me that the counsellor told him until "they" could figure out why he was being abusive, I'd just have to put up with it. He honestly thought I would believe that and go along with it. I don't honestly think that he even told his counsellor about his behaviour - I think he made up things to tell him. Never went though, so no idea. He felt counselling was a joke anyway and only went because I told him if he didn't get it, I was leaving. It was a useless exercise. I left.

So not sure what the answer is. I didn't want to hear what they talked about in counselling, but by the same token, I don't think the counsellor was told what the problems were either. I'd have told him if he'd had contacted me and asked.

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guitarosauras · 19/10/2014 18:53

But you being there may mean that he says things that he doesn't mean anyway. I honestly don't think it would help either of you.

It isn't your fault and no professional would say differently.

You don't HAVE to take him back and you should never be made to feel that way by anyone.

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JaceyBee · 19/10/2014 18:52

Ha! I sincerely doubt that she said that! Clients often do misinterpret what you say to meet their own agendas though. Go with him if you want but he must see this as HIS problem and HIS responsibility, not as problem of the relationship.

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youbethemummylion · 19/10/2014 18:46

I don't know really why I want to go apart from I have a (probably completely irrational) feeling that he will go then report back to me some tall tale of what she has said which makes it sound like either a) its my fault ir b) I have to take him back and be more understanding. He came back from seeing her before and told me all this stuff she had apparently said about him working on a higher level than other people and the reason he cant communicate with others is because we don't understand him as we aren't on the same level and people need to adapt their behaviour around him. Which tbh I cant really imagine a counsellor saying (I may be wrong though as never spoken to one myself)

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guitarosauras · 19/10/2014 18:26

You can go in with him if he wants you to but it may be best for him to go alone.
Why do you want to see the counselor with him?

btw, you did exactly the right thing at the time.

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Hissy · 19/10/2014 18:25

what is it you're trying to achieve by talking with the therapist. you'd be better off seeing your own therapist to sort out how you feel now, and working on processing what's happened to you.

keep him gone until he's seen his therapist and there's some acknowledgment off what he's done.

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youbethemummylion · 19/10/2014 18:23

Oh and thanks for asking goat

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youbethemummylion · 19/10/2014 18:22

DH called he apologised, said he regretted it the second he said it, he wouldn't actually have hit me. His regular counselling appointment is Tuesday afternoon he is going to tell his counsellor and then see where we go from there. I don't know if anyone knows but with his permission would I be allowed to talk with his counsellor or go with him do you think?

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GoatsDoRoam · 19/10/2014 15:40

How has your weekend been going, mummylion?

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GoatsDoRoam · 18/10/2014 18:43

Well done telling him to go to his Mum's. Keep firm. Wishing you strength.

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saltnpepa · 18/10/2014 18:33

How about DH threatened to hit me I kicked him out now im worried about me and my kids

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Hissy · 18/10/2014 17:20

good for you! hope he stays away for a while! give you a chance to recover

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UpduffedFatty · 18/10/2014 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 18/10/2014 14:06

Well done yoube Stay strong.

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youbethemummylion · 18/10/2014 13:59

So I took DCs to the supermarket (not exciting but it needed doing) DH text to say he couldn't get in the house. I text back 'That is because we are out, I suggest you go to your Mums house'. At least I know he us alive, now I can stop panicking and start planning. God knows what the plan will be at the moment I cant even think about it. I will keep my brave face on until kids in bed then work out my next move. Thanks for the support.

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AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 18/10/2014 13:15

Yes if you ring police regarding his welfare, please make sure you mention the domestic as well, including that he threatened to hit you. Make sure they have the full picture of the situation.

My abusive stbx attempted suicide on our young dc2's birthday. He then made sure while he was going in to hospital to ask a relative of his to make sure to ring me and let me know what was going on. Then within 2 weeks he was pushing and pushing at me to take him back. At that point, his family all blamed me for his suicide attempt and were all tip toeing around him and bending over backwards not to upset him. Absolute manipulation.

Your priority has to be you and your dcs.

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ouryve · 18/10/2014 13:06

There was a thread a few months ago about suicide threats as a method of control - very much a mix of serious heavy stuff and black humour from those of us who have come out of the other side. In relationships where there is abuse, it is so often used as an extreme form of sulking and almost always happens when the abused party is showing strength, eg work achievements or simply putting their foot down to threats of violence, as you have done.

Agreeing that you should call 101 and give the police a heads up - about today's threats and his history. Worrying about him is understandable, but since he threatened you with violence, earlier today, you are not the one who should be doing all the chasing up. That would be too satisfying for him and leave you more vulnerable, in the future.