Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Someone else's opinion please.

98 replies

tootsey · 17/10/2014 16:48

Just need someone else's thoughts. DH has always been paranoid and insecure, (many years). So today when I made a few phone calls about tracking down a part for my car, instead of him getting on with other things, while I was making the calls, he insisted on sitting down with me and listening to everything I was asking and saying. He has always had a problem with me even speaking to another man, even a stranger holding a door open for me is a problem for him. Apparently if someone does that, and I say thanks, then I must want to shag him!. So today, after him sitting with me and also staring over my shoulder as wrote an email trying to get prices, I had it out with him. Told him he was still as insecure and paranoid as from the time we met. He denied it and said it was all in my head. He never has a problem if its a woman im speaking or dealing with, just men. Am i way off the mark on the watching and listening, or was I right?

OP posts:

Vitalstatistix · 17/10/2014 16:50

You are right.

It must be suffocating to be with someone who think you are without morals and just waiting for a chance to betray them. That must hurt a lot.

What do you intend to do? Are you going to carry on living like this or have you had enough?

nrv0us · 17/10/2014 16:51

[Man's perspective here] Sounds very excessive. How many years has it been like this? Does it seem to be getting worse? What does he say when you call him on it?

Jan45 · 17/10/2014 16:51

Usually when people are insecure about what their partner might get up to, it's more a reflection on themselves.

Let's assume in this case it isn't, either way he has issues that he needs to sort out, I could not be with a man that behaved in this way, you must feel like you can't breath.

stealthsquiggle · 17/10/2014 16:54

Wow. That would drive me demented. Surely he is not with you 34 hours a day - do either of you work?

IIWY I would be issuing ultimatums, involving him getting some outside perspective himself, from a counsellor.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 17/10/2014 16:54

What a dick. Why are you with him?

stealthsquiggle · 17/10/2014 16:54

34? 24.

loloftherings · 17/10/2014 16:54

He thinks he owns you.
And he doesn't trust you.
Also agree with Jan45.

sooperdooper · 17/10/2014 16:55

That sounds awful and it's not normal in any way for someone to do that.

I couldn't live like that personally, what does he do when you go to work/to the shops etc??

What are you going to do? he really has some issues he needs to sort out

FunkyBoldRibena · 17/10/2014 16:57

Good grief. Why did you marry someone this paranoid and possessive? You must have trouble breathing with this going on all the time.

gincamparidryvermouth · 17/10/2014 17:00

He's mad and awful.

ArsenicChaseScream · 17/10/2014 17:04

Horrible.

Why do you put up with this?

PurpleWithRed · 17/10/2014 17:06

Not normal.

Original poster

tootsey · 17/10/2014 17:14

How long have we been together? 15 years. He's been like this 90% of the time. When I say something to him about it, he will turn it round like always onto me has the problem. Only if he is really pushed hard, will he say that I am right. He has been in counselling for 5 years now, but to my dismay the counsellor thinks he is better. I thought maybe I was overreacting, but in the back of my mind I know I am right. And your all right, I do feel as if I cannot breathe sometimes and have told him so. I have told him I am a lot happier and not as a nervous when he is not around. I feel as if I must always watch what I do and say to anyone.

OP posts:

nrv0us · 17/10/2014 17:23

Happier when he's not around sort of says it all, no? Ironically he is increasing the likelihood of your looking for someone else

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/10/2014 17:32

It never fails to amaze me how the person exhibiting the disgusting, abusive behaviour manages to persuade everyone they are the ones in need of counselling, therapy and sympathy.... while the person being abused is left to twist slowly in the wind, stressed out, anxious & wondering if they are going crazy.

His behaviour is not just paranoid and insecure it's controlling, possessive and abusive. It's not all in your head. He's not 'better'. This will kill you.

Original poster

tootsey · 17/10/2014 17:52

He has a really good side, but then he has a really bad side. He cannot seem to handle any man being within 50 feet of me. I do not get why he cant be just normal all the time. He had an affair way back and yet im the one that gets watched all the time. Its my own stupid fault :(

OP posts:

Tutt · 17/10/2014 17:57

He's abusive end of... why the hell can't you speak to 50% of the population without fear of repercussion's by one of this 50%?
I'm sorry but he is vile, my sons father was like this and my life was hell because I was so scared of who I could and couldn't speak to/
look at I became agoraphobic !!

ouchLegohurts · 17/10/2014 17:58

What?? HE had an affair?! And you're the one who gets watched???? You need to assert yourself pronto, Tootsey, because he sounds like a crazy, selfish manipulator

FunkyBoldRibena · 17/10/2014 17:59

What happens when a 'man' comes within 50 feet of you exactly?

Vitalstatistix · 17/10/2014 17:59

well that comes as NO surprise.

He is a cheating arse so he assumes everyone has the morals of an alley cat.

Why are you with him? Is his good side actually worth the life you have with him?

captainmummy · 17/10/2014 18:00

He had an affair? Was it the OWs fault? Did she throw herself at him, poor guy never stood a chance in the face of womanly desires??
Ffs.

Vitalstatistix · 17/10/2014 18:06

yeah, he tripped and fell in.

god some men just need their necks wringing.

Vitalstatistix · 17/10/2014 18:06

ohh, the was in agreement with your view it was at him, not at you btw

Original poster

tootsey · 17/10/2014 18:10

If we are walking down the street and a man, any man walks by, he will watch where I am looking, I darent even look anywhere near a man, even to say hello to a neighbour or someone ive known from school or work. Cant speak or look at. Here's an example. Myself, DS and DH were out in an unfamiliar town for a day. Looking for somewhere to eat. I went to a cafe, but was told they were closing, so came back out and told DH so. DH was getting cash out right beside cafe, and a man in the queue behind DH suggested another cafe, and pointed to where it was at. As soon as the stranger spoke to me, DH turned around from cash machine and stared at me like he was gonna kill me. I said thanks a lot to the stranger for the help, but as soon as we moved off, DH said " what the fuck you talking to him for". I was so peeved of I just said out loud "grow up". The stranger gestured a nod to me when I thanked him, but I could tell he knew something wasnt quite right if you get my meaning. This is just one example, I could give hundreds more :(

OP posts:

LemonBreeland · 17/10/2014 18:11

I don't know how you can live with that OP. It must be awful. It really doesn't seem like he is going to change either.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread